Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Feeling Human

Lately I had an influx of work which led to a nice generous paycheck from my favorite client. Because this paycheck was so substantial it allowed me to do some things that I have been putting off for a very long time.

One of those things is to replace my old office chair that I used to use while doing my freelance work and studying or doing homework for my classes. Two birthdays ago I had asked for help to buy a good desk chair that was wide enough and sturdy enough for me and that was also comfortable enough because I spend a lot of time working or studying, I had had an old chair I got when my dad purchased his new one and it didn't fit me properly the arms hurt my thighs and being that it wasn't built for someone of my size it didn't take long for it to break. I had showed my parents the chair that I had found that would fit, and be sturdy enough for me. The chair was from an online plus size living company and I knew it was made for a fat person. My parents instead presented me with a cheap office chair that they had removed the arms from.  I was appreciative of the thought behind it but my heart also dropped because I knew it wouldn't be long before it would break and of course it would be all my fault. It did indeed end up breaking and for a few months I didn't tell anyone becauseI knew what the reaction would be.

So with the extra income I had I ordered the chair that I had pointed out two years ago. When it came in my dad helped me to put it together and then I got to sit in it for the first time. Oh my word I can not tell you the feeling I got when I sat in a chair that didn't hurt me. It was wide enough that the arms didn't crush my thighs in fact I even have a bit of room between my thighs and the arms of the chair, and it feels solid and sturdy. I almost started crying,  yes crying over a silly chair. All I could think is that it makes me feel human.

It is such a small thing really, to be able to sit in a chair you aren't afraid to break and that doesn't cause you pain when you sit in it. That small thing however made me feel normal, rather than being yet another painful reminder of how this world isn't made for someone of my size. That alone made the expense of it worthwhile.

Let me tell you it isn't enabling a fat person to provide them with things made for them. It doesn't make us think oh yippee now I can gain even more weight. Furthermore by depriving us of basic things, like chairs for crying out loud, that does not motivate or inspire us to make ourselves smaller. In fact by making things to small for a vast majority of the population, and then punishing, shaming, or penalizing them for not fitting into said things only leaves us feeling like worthless sub-humans and makes the problem work.

Having a desk chair that doesn't leave lasting impressions on my body and that I can trust to hold up actually makes me feel better about myself and allows me to be a productive human being. It removes a few of the thousands of messages telling me how ugly, awful, gross, disgusting, unhealthy, and worthless I am and gives me just a little relief from all of that. It helps me feel human and that is priceless!

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