Tuesdays Post

There was supposed to be a new post put up early Tuesday morning. The post was to be written to my boyfriend in honor of his birthday. It was a letter to him that was going to talk about what a special gift he was to my life, how his love made me believe in love again after being horribly mistreated and betrayed by previous boyfriends. It was going to tell him how excited I was that we were talking about our future and planning it together. It was going to thank him for having the patience that he has had for the all the years we have been together as I deal with getting stronger and back on my feet after being raped and going through a breakdown that nearly ended my life. It was to thank him for always being honest with me, even when he had to tell me something that it wasn't easy to hear. That helped me to trust people again after a time where I couldn't trust anyone because of things that had happened to me.I wanted to thank him for showing me that a guy can be faithful to me.  It was to publicly thank him for helping me to heal and let him know how much he is loved and what an amazing gift he is to my life. My whole life I was raised by the people close to me, to believe that no one would love me because of my looks and the size of my body. He made me believe that maybe those things weren't true. He made me feel beautiful and invincible, and that I wasn't worthless like I had been led to believe.

Sunday night I sat down to begin to write the post. I was going to show it to him after I posted it to him on his birthday. As I was writing a little doubt flashed through my mind wondering if his birthday wasn't on monday instead, I have never been very good with remember any kind of dates. I still sometimes don't remember my families birthdays so I figured it would be wise to double check. I couldn't find it written anywhere on my calendar or anything and so the thought crossed my mind that maybe it would be on his Facebook page. I knew it had been hacked a while back but I thought it was worth a shot to see if it was there so I went to Facebook and struck out it wasn't there. Just as I was about to close the page out I spotted a display picture on one of the friends on the friends list that shows up on the left of the screen. It had a couple on it and the guy looked like Drew. Curiously I clicked on it and yup it was him, with another girl. A quick google search of that girls name brought up two more pictures of them together and it was clear they were more than just friends. I told him about it as soon as I saw him again and he basically confirmed it and said it was just something that happened. I went numb and don't really remember what he said after that all I know is I said goodbye. Since then it has been a numb blur as I process everything and work through my feelings now. I feel broken and betrayed and am grieving the loss of someone I truly loved. I also can't help those thought that are now popping up telling me it was my fault and if I was just prettier, skinnier, better he wouldn't have done that. Part of me feels like I can't blame him because I deserved it for not being perfect or good enough, and that I didn't deserve to be loved or respected. I know in my head that that isn't true, but the other part of me feels like this proved everyone right and that is hard to overcome.

So Tuesday was supposed to be a public love letter to the man I loved with my whole heart in honor of him and his birthday. Instead I found myself questioning everything he ever told me especially the part about loving me and all that and wondering where the man I adored went to and who this stranger in his place was. Now I grieve and move on.

You are all awesome!

I came across the site AwesomenessReminders the other day and it instantly made me smile. AwesomenessReminders is a simple idea, you sign up for a monthly cost and they provide a phone call everyday just to tell you or someone you love that they are awesome. If they don't reach a person they leave the message in voicemail. How cute is that?

Now you can have all of the calls go to you, or you can schedule the calls to go to other people on certain days. Such a simple idea but wow what a great one, I think receiving a call from someone just to tell you that you are awesome would really have an impact on people. So often we are bombarded with a ton of messages that tell us how imperfect we are, how we need to do this or that to even be acceptable, and it has become very uncommon to hear that hey you are ok just the way you are and actually you are quite awesome.

This site just made me smile because it is a little drop of a positive message in the deluge of negativity we deal with. Who doesn't need to hear that we are ok, it kind of reminds me of the daily affirmation skit on Saturday Night Live. Now say it with me folks ...

Because I'm good enough.. I'm smart enough.. 

and, doggonit, people like me!

I AM AWESOME!

Please allow me to introduce myself

Wow, I started this blog a long time ago, back when I was 28-29 and honestly a completely different person than I am today. I really haven't done a good job with posting here and I was finally able to pinpoint a few reasons why that is.

First off I started Scattered Marbles at a time in my life where I was basically living two separate lives, my real-life one and my online one. I was struggling with so much inner stuff that I found impossible to show to those people in my real life, but I felt a safety and security from the online format that allowed me to let that out more. I was hiding secrets, and feelings, in real life that were slowly killing me and putting my into a very dark place. I hated having to hide that part of myself to the people whose acceptance mattered most but the fear of them seeing who I really was and deciding I wasn't worth their time was too much. So I started this blog as a way to get that all out and yet was so worried that someone would find it and figure out it was me that I would procrastinate writing about the things on my heart. I hated having to be fake to people and so that held me back.

Secondly I was so worried of doing it wrong. I would start to write about something that I just needed to talk about and then found myself reluctant to publish things or expressing my genuine feelings for fear of offending someone in the fatosphere that I looked up to, and/or getting hated for thoughts that might go against the norm that I would just give up and neglect posting. Now I know, that being able to get out what I am dealing with, thinking about, learning, and going through will be a big help for me, and hopefully help someone else as well. I am done with hiding parts of who I am and have decided that it is time to be genuinely me, and learn to accept and love both the good and bad and everything in between. So please allow me to re-introduce myself...


Hi! I am Teresa, a 33 year old fat woman. I am a full-time student pursuing my bachelors degree in web design and interactive media and a part time freelancing graphic designer. I have spent the majority of my life hating myself and my body and pursuing the "fantasy of being thin" (go read it!) and living my life as an apology for just existing. I live with depression, agoraphobia, and severe self-esteem issues, and I am learning to accept and cope with them.

I have been a missionary kid (MK), teachers kid (TK), and now I am a pastors kid (PK). I have a relationship with Jesus that means to world to me and I am constantly wanting to grow and learn more about Him. I try everyday to live my Christianity as a relationship with my savior and not a religion. I love being creative, and am enamored with color. That love of color has spurned quite a large nail polish, and makeup collection which is fun for me. I love laughing and being silly and am learning to find joy in both the ups and downs of life.

I am not perfect, far from it, but God is working on me everyday and I am starting to like myself. I hope that I can find more strength and healing by sharing who I am with people and no longer hiding things I think will drive people away. I think it is so important to let our voices be heard, and mine will be talking about fat acceptance and HAES, what it is like living with depression, what God is showing me everyday, and any other thing that pops into my head.

I welcome you all to read, comment, and join me in this blogging journey but just remember respect is vital here and as long as we respect each other I think we will get a long ok! I have deleted all the previous posts save for a few that I still loved and wanted to hang onto but as for now this is a new slate to fill.

Dear You... YES YOU!!!!

Dear Anyone who finds it hard to love themselves AS THEY ARE,

You are positively BEAUTIFUL!

I love the freckles on your nose, they bring out the colors in your eyes. Your hair frames your face perfectly. Your laugh is contagious and you will always make me smile.

Those scars on your knees? They show me you have fallen. The sparkle in your eyes when you smile? They show me you picked yourself up. Your smile is drop dead gorgeous, wear it more often. Seriously, think about who CARES, that you have acne. WHO really cares if you're overweight or underweight, tall or short, tan or pale, an A cup or a HH cup?

All that matters it that someone thinks that you are beautiful just the way you are and that someone is me. I wish you could love yourself the way I love you, the way your family loves you, the way your friends love you. The ones who care about all that superficial crap really don't matter in the grand scheme of life, and the ones who DO matter see all the "flaws" with eyes of love and love them because it is part of what makes you so special to them.

My greatest wish for all of you
is that you can see yourself through the eyes
of those who love you,
all of you,
just the way you are!

~ Love ,
Me