I was in 7th grade, one year after moving from the home I had known in Canada to Minnesota so that my dad could go to Seminary. Now Andy had been in my 6th grade classroom, and in 7th grade when we started moving from room to room for our classes we shared a few of them, and sat site by side in social studies. He had always been nice to me, and we would talk, laugh, and joke as we worked on things together. I thought of him as somewhat of a friend, I mean we never hung out outside of classes but we had fun during them, I trusted him like I would a friend. Then one day after sitting down at the table we shared and pulling out my books and stuff Andy surprised me "Hey Teresa will you go out with me?" I was kind of shocked and puzzled I knew he had been dating Katie, one of the popular pretty girls but before I could say anything the teacher walked in.
So I did what 7th graders do in school.. I wrote him a note and slipped it to him asking him if he was serious and what about Katie. He wrote back saying he was totally serious and that he and Katie had broken up. We were taking notes and so nothing more was said until the teacher left the classroom for some reason. That's when Andy turned to me and said "So what do you say?" I smiled at him and nodded saying "ok, " then the whole classroom burst out laughing along with Andy as he exclaimed " I can't believe you fell for it.. like I would go out with you." I was mortified, humiliated, but most of all hurt as I sat there in class as everyone laughed at me and what a stupid girl I was. It took everything in me but I didn't let them see me cry, I put my actress face on and acted like I had known it all along and I was just calling his bluff but of course word spread quickly and for the next few years until I moved away that became the joke... to ask me out and then laugh at how absurd a thought it was. I was so ashamed, so humiliated and I didn't tell anyone in my family about it because ... well shoot I felt so dumb that I could have actually thought some guy found me likeable.
So I held it all in my heart and I swore that I would NEVER let that happen to me again. I would NEVER let someone else make a fool of me like that and I didn't. I put myself on the defense because I had learned that I needed to protect myself. As the years went by if a guy expressed interest in me at all I laughed it off and told him I was already clued into that joke and then I pushed him away. I tried letting down my guard with a few guys who seemed very genuine and caring after high school with awful results that left me broken. I finally came to the point that I didn't want to let anyone close at all ever because every time I did the people that I let close would prove once again that I was not worthy to be loved and I would be thrown away like trash for someone better. My experience in my life has been that I am unlovable, now I understand that that might not be the case, but that is my experience and my reality. So I had built up a great wall around my heart and then I met Drew. He expressed interest in me but I pushed him away and kept him at arms length, but he didn't give up on me. I would let him as close as a friend but then he tried telling me he loved me and I flipped out. I told him I didn't believe in that word that there is no such thing as love there is only toleration and that was all he was allowed to say to me cause I was done with being lied to. He kept telling me he loved me, and I kept telling him no you don't you tolerate me, and yet he stayed in my life he didn't give up. For the first time in my whole life I started to believe in love, and I realized that I loved him. I kept expecting it to all crash again like it had before but it didn't and I came to trust him completely. I really and truly loved him with all my heart and I did all I could to make sure that he KNEW it in his heart cause I didn't want to just say it. It was wonderful, and amazing and worth every struggle and compromise to experience that kind of love and feel loved just as I was.
And then it all came crashing down in one less than one stupid hour as I accidentally find out he was seeing someone else. He came online that night and I confronted him, honestly hoping that there was a valid explanation for what I found... but he didn't deny it. That was our last talk.. it lasted maybe 5 minutes.. and in 5 minutes, 5 years of a relationship that meant the world to me and that was my future lay in shards at my feet. For the final time it has been proven to me in the most concrete way that I am unlovable, and I am working on being ok with that and on facing a future alone but I am struggling. I can see how it was a good thing, it is good that that door closed because he apparently didn't love me, that was all lies. So it is good that he is gone, and he found someone better and he is happy and as stupid as this is my love for him is glad he is happy. So I can see the plus side... but I am in so much pain. I can't talk to anyone about the pain and despair that is constantly sitting like a lead weight in my heart, they don't want to hear it, it makes them uncomfortable and brings them down and then they avoid me. If I speak about how it has made me feel, about how completely stupid I am to have let myself be made the fool of again, they get mad and tell me not to talk like that. I try focusing on the positive, there are positives I see that but the realization that I will never be anything special to anyone. Add into that having two of my closest friends throw me away like trash because I didn't say or do the right thing that they wanted from me has left me really struggling to stand strong. I just want to curl up and hide away, I don't want to go out in the world and open myself up to more hurt. I realize that I am only good for what people can get from me and when I mess up or can't give more then I am not worth their time. I realize that I am not the kind of girl that can be loved romantically and if someone tells me they love me it only means for now until they can find something better. I get that in this world we learn to completely focus on ourselves and other people are necessary collateral and I realize that that is what I am but it hurts. I try to treat people with kindness and love. I try to accept everyone in my life and give as much as I can so they know they are loved but it hurts. I hurt. My heart is past hurt, it is just numb. I hate what keeping all this inside of me is doing to me and to my heart. I am shutting down and becoming fake again but I don't want to make my friends and family uncomfortable they shouldn't have to deal with me so I will keep it inside and learn to cope like this. I will be ok, I do know that there is one person who loves me completely and will never let me go and lets me dump it all and that is God. I know He can handle the pain and the stuff I need to express and He will get me through but I am struggling and I just needed to get this out.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Tuesdays Post
There was supposed to be a new post put up early Tuesday morning. The post was to be written to my boyfriend in honor of his birthday. It was a letter to him that was going to talk about what a special gift he was to my life, how his love made me believe in love again after being horribly mistreated and betrayed by previous boyfriends. It was going to tell him how excited I was that we were talking about our future and planning it together. It was going to thank him for having the patience that he has had for the all the years we have been together as I deal with getting stronger and back on my feet after being raped and going through a breakdown that nearly ended my life. It was to thank him for always being honest with me, even when he had to tell me something that it wasn't easy to hear. That helped me to trust people again after a time where I couldn't trust anyone because of things that had happened to me.I wanted to thank him for showing me that a guy can be faithful to me. It was to publicly thank him for helping me to heal and let him know how much he is loved and what an amazing gift he is to my life. My whole life I was raised by the people close to me, to believe that no one would love me because of my looks and the size of my body. He made me believe that maybe those things weren't true. He made me feel beautiful and invincible, and that I wasn't worthless like I had been led to believe.
Sunday night I sat down to begin to write the post. I was going to show it to him after I posted it to him on his birthday. As I was writing a little doubt flashed through my mind wondering if his birthday wasn't on monday instead, I have never been very good with remember any kind of dates. I still sometimes don't remember my families birthdays so I figured it would be wise to double check. I couldn't find it written anywhere on my calendar or anything and so the thought crossed my mind that maybe it would be on his Facebook page. I knew it had been hacked a while back but I thought it was worth a shot to see if it was there so I went to Facebook and struck out it wasn't there. Just as I was about to close the page out I spotted a display picture on one of the friends on the friends list that shows up on the left of the screen. It had a couple on it and the guy looked like Drew. Curiously I clicked on it and yup it was him, with another girl. A quick google search of that girls name brought up two more pictures of them together and it was clear they were more than just friends. I told him about it as soon as I saw him again and he basically confirmed it and said it was just something that happened. I went numb and don't really remember what he said after that all I know is I said goodbye. Since then it has been a numb blur as I process everything and work through my feelings now. I feel broken and betrayed and am grieving the loss of someone I truly loved. I also can't help those thought that are now popping up telling me it was my fault and if I was just prettier, skinnier, better he wouldn't have done that. Part of me feels like I can't blame him because I deserved it for not being perfect or good enough, and that I didn't deserve to be loved or respected. I know in my head that that isn't true, but the other part of me feels like this proved everyone right and that is hard to overcome.
So Tuesday was supposed to be a public love letter to the man I loved with my whole heart in honor of him and his birthday. Instead I found myself questioning everything he ever told me especially the part about loving me and all that and wondering where the man I adored went to and who this stranger in his place was. Now I grieve and move on.
Sunday night I sat down to begin to write the post. I was going to show it to him after I posted it to him on his birthday. As I was writing a little doubt flashed through my mind wondering if his birthday wasn't on monday instead, I have never been very good with remember any kind of dates. I still sometimes don't remember my families birthdays so I figured it would be wise to double check. I couldn't find it written anywhere on my calendar or anything and so the thought crossed my mind that maybe it would be on his Facebook page. I knew it had been hacked a while back but I thought it was worth a shot to see if it was there so I went to Facebook and struck out it wasn't there. Just as I was about to close the page out I spotted a display picture on one of the friends on the friends list that shows up on the left of the screen. It had a couple on it and the guy looked like Drew. Curiously I clicked on it and yup it was him, with another girl. A quick google search of that girls name brought up two more pictures of them together and it was clear they were more than just friends. I told him about it as soon as I saw him again and he basically confirmed it and said it was just something that happened. I went numb and don't really remember what he said after that all I know is I said goodbye. Since then it has been a numb blur as I process everything and work through my feelings now. I feel broken and betrayed and am grieving the loss of someone I truly loved. I also can't help those thought that are now popping up telling me it was my fault and if I was just prettier, skinnier, better he wouldn't have done that. Part of me feels like I can't blame him because I deserved it for not being perfect or good enough, and that I didn't deserve to be loved or respected. I know in my head that that isn't true, but the other part of me feels like this proved everyone right and that is hard to overcome.
So Tuesday was supposed to be a public love letter to the man I loved with my whole heart in honor of him and his birthday. Instead I found myself questioning everything he ever told me especially the part about loving me and all that and wondering where the man I adored went to and who this stranger in his place was. Now I grieve and move on.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Quietness
So I have been rather quiet lately. That comes from a few different things, first off I just started a new term in school and so I am getting back into the swing of the new class schedule and recovering from last term lol.
Then I have been doing some active procrastination and avoidance because I am dealing with this awful feeling of being so mean for having to cut that friend who I really do care about out of my life. Don't get me wrong, I know that it had to be done. I just keep feeling so awful that it had to get to that length of blocking her number so she can't call or text me, and setting up my email so it bounces any emails she might send me, as well as blocking her on Facebook. It just seems so mean to me, however I do know that if I didn't she wouldn't respect my decision in this. She would keep trying to explain herself and get me to agree with her and if I didn't she would go back to treating me like some evil enemy and it would probably get even worse. I keep wanting to reverse everything but I know that if I take down those defenses things will get even worse. I feel at peace with how I left it, because I focused on the positive and really thanking her for what she had added to my life while she was in it, I didn't want to attack her and make her feel hated so I just left it at that. There is just this horrible feeling that I am so mean and heartless, but the damage was done and I really don't know how we could get back to a friendship level.
So that has been what I have been struggling with and I am sure I will work through it but it has just been making me get a bit more introverted this week. I do have a few posts in the works, but right now I just really wanted to share this video with everyone. It hits me so deeply because what she describes is a lot of what I went through on my journey to fat acceptance and how I feel. The first time I saw it I wanted so badly to post it on my Facebook wall because it just said so much, I love it so much and love that it includes images from Adipositivity. That site was one that really made me begin to see beauty when I looked into the mirror. I however have a lot of younger teens on my page, as well as people who are very conservative and I didn't want to offend or upset them so I haven't, but I need to post it here. I think it is just so well done and well said! So please enjoy!!!
Then I have been doing some active procrastination and avoidance because I am dealing with this awful feeling of being so mean for having to cut that friend who I really do care about out of my life. Don't get me wrong, I know that it had to be done. I just keep feeling so awful that it had to get to that length of blocking her number so she can't call or text me, and setting up my email so it bounces any emails she might send me, as well as blocking her on Facebook. It just seems so mean to me, however I do know that if I didn't she wouldn't respect my decision in this. She would keep trying to explain herself and get me to agree with her and if I didn't she would go back to treating me like some evil enemy and it would probably get even worse. I keep wanting to reverse everything but I know that if I take down those defenses things will get even worse. I feel at peace with how I left it, because I focused on the positive and really thanking her for what she had added to my life while she was in it, I didn't want to attack her and make her feel hated so I just left it at that. There is just this horrible feeling that I am so mean and heartless, but the damage was done and I really don't know how we could get back to a friendship level.
So that has been what I have been struggling with and I am sure I will work through it but it has just been making me get a bit more introverted this week. I do have a few posts in the works, but right now I just really wanted to share this video with everyone. It hits me so deeply because what she describes is a lot of what I went through on my journey to fat acceptance and how I feel. The first time I saw it I wanted so badly to post it on my Facebook wall because it just said so much, I love it so much and love that it includes images from Adipositivity. That site was one that really made me begin to see beauty when I looked into the mirror. I however have a lot of younger teens on my page, as well as people who are very conservative and I didn't want to offend or upset them so I haven't, but I need to post it here. I think it is just so well done and well said! So please enjoy!!!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
The End of the Beginning
So last night that friend texted me about 8 hours after I sent her the text telling me that she was sorry I was upset but she isn't willing to talk to me and she ignored and deleted my text to her. That when she is ready to talk she will write me an email and that I should be ready to listen. That she knows that my love for her is limited and that is ok, but she still loves me. That she has forgiven me and is praying for me and my trust issues.
That honestly broke me, I had so much anger running through me from what she said and how she painted and treated me like I was some kind of demon spawn when I treated her with nothing but respect even when voicing my hurt. My hands were shaking to much to respond right away so I took a few moments to calm down and when I did I realized I was done. So I just wrote to her and told her to just do whatever she had to do for herself and I wouldn't bother her anymore, and that was the end of that convo. It took all of 5 minutes for me to decided I truly was done, I love myself to much to hold onto an abusive relationship like that and so I removed anyway she might have of communicating with me except for facebook, since she had already blocked me on there I couldn't set that one. I realized though that I needed to let her know that I did and do care about her, that it wasn't because I hated her that I chose to do this and so I wrote her a note letting her know that she truly was a blessing in my life while she was in it. I didn't want to end on a note of hate, or anger, that isn't me it isn't who I am and so I just let her know some of the things that made her special and then I attached an art piece that I had made for her right before she flipped out on me since it was meant for her and told her I wouldn't bother her again.
well less than an hour later I see a message on my facebook acount from her saying yahoo isn't letting me send you an email, (no that was my decision) and so I will write you here. I guess not I warrented being unblocked since it benefited her. She told me that she was upset because she saw a status on my facebook weeks ago where I said I was so excited that my bestest friend, was getting married and looking forward to helping her plan long distance like. Now like I said before this friend and I hadn't been in contact for like 12 years previous to reconnecting and I had lived in Canada and of course I made friends there, including one who I have had since grade 9. "L" has been there for me and though we didn't talk during the time I was struggling big time with depression just because I wouldn't let myself reach out to her, when I got better and reached out she was there for me and is now planning her wedding and wants me involved which is a huge honor. That night she had texted me to let me know that he had just proposed, I was the first one she told and you better believe I was excited. Her and I have dreamed of this for years and I was ecstatic. Let me just tell you this here, I have more than enough love in my heart to have several friends and I think it is healthy to have more than one friendship because one person can't meet all your needs. Plus my heart is almost as big as my fat behind.
That was apparently what made the other friend freak out, she told me that she may have other friends but that I am her "bestest" friend and I hurt her by calling "L" my best friend. She told me that I had also hurt her because on that day that she fipped out when I responded with concern regarding her ex she was expecting me to ask her how it went (however she had just texted me telling me how it had went) then went onto say her blocking me was just because she was hurt and that she hopes I was as miserable as she was these weeks not talking. She wrapped it up saying things will be different from now on cause she will have accountability and told me she loved me and called me a dear friend.
I kind of just felt physically ill reading it, that she could treat me like such scum because she was jealous and that was ok? I sat there for a few minutes and thought, what will she do next time I unwittingly make her jealous or don't react the way she thinks I should? It filled me with fer and I got anxious thinking about always having to worry about when the next freakout would be. Then I realized I may love her, and her friendship, but I do love me more. That was a very shocking revelation, as someone who has spent most of her life hating herself, I felt the urgent need to protect myself. So I went to her facebook account and I was the one blocking this time. I was blocking someone I care dearly about because I realized for the first time I care about me to much to put myself into that again. I was setting myself free from a friendship that would honestly become chains of fear to upset her again, and to always have to question if she is being truthful, and really I was releasing her as well. Now I don't know what the future holds, but as of right now I feel peace because I am taking care of me so I can reach out to those who actually want my friendship no strings attached, and who treat me with love and respect.
This is a true step for me, I have never loved myself enough to take a step that while hard is protecting me in the long run. I really think a big part of that is fat acceptance and learning to love me and not thinking I deserved the hurt and drama just because I was fat. Fat acceptance has taught me to take care of myself, that I don't have to take abuse of any kind as my penance for not fitting into a size 2 and that my mental health is a part of overall health and taking the steps needed to keep myself healthy. I am also learning that I don't have to put up with awful treatment because no one else will want to be my friend, in fact I am finding that quite a few people think I am amazing and actually want to be around me. So it might have been the end of a friendship, but it is part of the beginning of me really evaluating and choosing my friendships wisely, and truly taking care of myself so that I do have the energy for those people who have shown they are real friends. It is ok to remove people from your life, it is sometimes the most loving thing you can do for you but also for the other person.
So that closes that chapter in my life, I know I have talked about this a lot on my blog but it gave me a good outlet to talk things through.
That honestly broke me, I had so much anger running through me from what she said and how she painted and treated me like I was some kind of demon spawn when I treated her with nothing but respect even when voicing my hurt. My hands were shaking to much to respond right away so I took a few moments to calm down and when I did I realized I was done. So I just wrote to her and told her to just do whatever she had to do for herself and I wouldn't bother her anymore, and that was the end of that convo. It took all of 5 minutes for me to decided I truly was done, I love myself to much to hold onto an abusive relationship like that and so I removed anyway she might have of communicating with me except for facebook, since she had already blocked me on there I couldn't set that one. I realized though that I needed to let her know that I did and do care about her, that it wasn't because I hated her that I chose to do this and so I wrote her a note letting her know that she truly was a blessing in my life while she was in it. I didn't want to end on a note of hate, or anger, that isn't me it isn't who I am and so I just let her know some of the things that made her special and then I attached an art piece that I had made for her right before she flipped out on me since it was meant for her and told her I wouldn't bother her again.
well less than an hour later I see a message on my facebook acount from her saying yahoo isn't letting me send you an email, (no that was my decision) and so I will write you here. I guess not I warrented being unblocked since it benefited her. She told me that she was upset because she saw a status on my facebook weeks ago where I said I was so excited that my bestest friend, was getting married and looking forward to helping her plan long distance like. Now like I said before this friend and I hadn't been in contact for like 12 years previous to reconnecting and I had lived in Canada and of course I made friends there, including one who I have had since grade 9. "L" has been there for me and though we didn't talk during the time I was struggling big time with depression just because I wouldn't let myself reach out to her, when I got better and reached out she was there for me and is now planning her wedding and wants me involved which is a huge honor. That night she had texted me to let me know that he had just proposed, I was the first one she told and you better believe I was excited. Her and I have dreamed of this for years and I was ecstatic. Let me just tell you this here, I have more than enough love in my heart to have several friends and I think it is healthy to have more than one friendship because one person can't meet all your needs. Plus my heart is almost as big as my fat behind.
That was apparently what made the other friend freak out, she told me that she may have other friends but that I am her "bestest" friend and I hurt her by calling "L" my best friend. She told me that I had also hurt her because on that day that she fipped out when I responded with concern regarding her ex she was expecting me to ask her how it went (however she had just texted me telling me how it had went) then went onto say her blocking me was just because she was hurt and that she hopes I was as miserable as she was these weeks not talking. She wrapped it up saying things will be different from now on cause she will have accountability and told me she loved me and called me a dear friend.
I kind of just felt physically ill reading it, that she could treat me like such scum because she was jealous and that was ok? I sat there for a few minutes and thought, what will she do next time I unwittingly make her jealous or don't react the way she thinks I should? It filled me with fer and I got anxious thinking about always having to worry about when the next freakout would be. Then I realized I may love her, and her friendship, but I do love me more. That was a very shocking revelation, as someone who has spent most of her life hating herself, I felt the urgent need to protect myself. So I went to her facebook account and I was the one blocking this time. I was blocking someone I care dearly about because I realized for the first time I care about me to much to put myself into that again. I was setting myself free from a friendship that would honestly become chains of fear to upset her again, and to always have to question if she is being truthful, and really I was releasing her as well. Now I don't know what the future holds, but as of right now I feel peace because I am taking care of me so I can reach out to those who actually want my friendship no strings attached, and who treat me with love and respect.
This is a true step for me, I have never loved myself enough to take a step that while hard is protecting me in the long run. I really think a big part of that is fat acceptance and learning to love me and not thinking I deserved the hurt and drama just because I was fat. Fat acceptance has taught me to take care of myself, that I don't have to take abuse of any kind as my penance for not fitting into a size 2 and that my mental health is a part of overall health and taking the steps needed to keep myself healthy. I am also learning that I don't have to put up with awful treatment because no one else will want to be my friend, in fact I am finding that quite a few people think I am amazing and actually want to be around me. So it might have been the end of a friendship, but it is part of the beginning of me really evaluating and choosing my friendships wisely, and truly taking care of myself so that I do have the energy for those people who have shown they are real friends. It is ok to remove people from your life, it is sometimes the most loving thing you can do for you but also for the other person.
So that closes that chapter in my life, I know I have talked about this a lot on my blog but it gave me a good outlet to talk things through.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Tonight I just feel sad
So remember that argument I had with one of my closest friends? Well I guess it ended today, she removed and blocked me from Facebook. I am not really surprised that it happened in fact I told my mom the day she flipped out at me that she probably would because I have seen her do that to other friends. It hurt though, A LOT, because I always thought, and she always told me that our friendship was too strong. I confided things in her I couldn't in other people I trusted her and it is hard for me to trust people.
I feel like I have been thrown away, and for what? I told her the truth, I was always honest with her and got her through sooooo much in her life, and for that I get thrown away like some kind of moldy food. She didn't even bother to talk to me like an adult, or work through things, nope just toss me aside. Now I know that honestly I haven't even been sure we could work things out or that I could trust her again, but there was a part of me that still hoped we could. Part of me kept thinking maybe if I just apologize or try to explain even more why the idea of her getting back with her ex who had just gotten out of a drug treatment program, who had hurt her so badly before was not something I could encourage. I realized though that I had done nothing wrong, I didn't say anything rude or offensive just encourage her as nicely as I could to be careful. I really did nothing I could apologize for and apologizing for NOT lying to her didn't seem right. I guess there was a part of me that thought she would realize everything I said was simply because I really do care about her and have been through more than she has and just want to help her as a friend should. With this happening though, it makes me want to not trust people again, I have had so many people who have told me over and over how much they love me, hurt me deeply which is why I don't trust easily. Stuff like this happens and I really do contemplate just pushing people away again and being ok without them but I know that isn't healthy.
When I realized that she had unfriended and blocked me I did send her a text and maybe it wasn't the best thing to send/say but it was how I was feeling
"wow... just WOW .. you unfriended me AND blocked me from facebook why? Because I wouldn't lie to you and tell you what you wanted to hear, because I care so much for your heart that I urged caution. THAT is why you throw friends away? You know I saw you do that with other people like S and C and I always thought she would never do that to me we are heart friends, we are friends on a soul level. Now I find that all that stuff you said about our friendship actually meant nothing cause I was 100% honest with you (remember that was a promise we made to each other sitting in your living room right before we prayed) and you would just remove me and throw me away like that... serious OUCH here... and all I can think to say is wow...well I respect you, and I respect your decision so I won't bother you again ever, have great life ok and I hope you find tons of friends who make you feel happy happy joy all the time. Take care of yourself."
She made her choice and you know what that really is ok. I know I will look back on this and be glad it happened because I have learned lessons and sometimes it is good that certain people leave your life. I know that everything happened for a reason and I hold fast to that promise but for tonight... I think I just need to feel sad that someone I considered my closest friend could just toss me away.
I feel like I have been thrown away, and for what? I told her the truth, I was always honest with her and got her through sooooo much in her life, and for that I get thrown away like some kind of moldy food. She didn't even bother to talk to me like an adult, or work through things, nope just toss me aside. Now I know that honestly I haven't even been sure we could work things out or that I could trust her again, but there was a part of me that still hoped we could. Part of me kept thinking maybe if I just apologize or try to explain even more why the idea of her getting back with her ex who had just gotten out of a drug treatment program, who had hurt her so badly before was not something I could encourage. I realized though that I had done nothing wrong, I didn't say anything rude or offensive just encourage her as nicely as I could to be careful. I really did nothing I could apologize for and apologizing for NOT lying to her didn't seem right. I guess there was a part of me that thought she would realize everything I said was simply because I really do care about her and have been through more than she has and just want to help her as a friend should. With this happening though, it makes me want to not trust people again, I have had so many people who have told me over and over how much they love me, hurt me deeply which is why I don't trust easily. Stuff like this happens and I really do contemplate just pushing people away again and being ok without them but I know that isn't healthy.
When I realized that she had unfriended and blocked me I did send her a text and maybe it wasn't the best thing to send/say but it was how I was feeling
"wow... just WOW .. you unfriended me AND blocked me from facebook why? Because I wouldn't lie to you and tell you what you wanted to hear, because I care so much for your heart that I urged caution. THAT is why you throw friends away? You know I saw you do that with other people like S and C and I always thought she would never do that to me we are heart friends, we are friends on a soul level. Now I find that all that stuff you said about our friendship actually meant nothing cause I was 100% honest with you (remember that was a promise we made to each other sitting in your living room right before we prayed) and you would just remove me and throw me away like that... serious OUCH here... and all I can think to say is wow...well I respect you, and I respect your decision so I won't bother you again ever, have great life ok and I hope you find tons of friends who make you feel happy happy joy all the time. Take care of yourself."
She made her choice and you know what that really is ok. I know I will look back on this and be glad it happened because I have learned lessons and sometimes it is good that certain people leave your life. I know that everything happened for a reason and I hold fast to that promise but for tonight... I think I just need to feel sad that someone I considered my closest friend could just toss me away.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Sleep, it doesn't make me lazy, it helps me live.
~*~ Trigger warning for talk of depression ~*~
I deal with a chemical imbalance called depression, it is just a part of my life and like any other part of me I have adapted to it and am learning to cope when it makes life impossible. Four or five years ago depression had me so tightly in my grasp that I truly couldn't function; I don't know how to describe it except to say that I was in a truly dark place. I honestly could not see even a glimmer of hope and the only thing I was able to focus on was how perfect and logical killing myself would be. I would run through it in my mind, planning it and was totally convinced that that would be the nicest thing I could do for my family. I remember one January I saw our family picture hanging on our fridge and I took it and scanned it into my computer and ever so carefully removed me from the picture, and it just seemed so right to me. That was the depression talking; my depression fills me with a ton of lies repeating them over and over until you just start believing them.
When I finally got help and was put on an anti-depressant and slowly but surely things started to get better I was able to see through the darkness and could cope better with life. I am a great believer in using medication as a tool to deal with depression, and I am grateful for that pill. Thing is, as a full time student I have no health insurance, and the pills that worked for me were insanely expensive. A months’ worth cost nearly as much as a rent payment and that was way out of my reach. It got way to hard each month to try to come up with the money for the sanity pills and one month it just wasn't possible and so I had to go off of them.
I also deal with incredible insomnia; I have since I was young, but it got worse after a traumatic event I experienced caused awful nightmares every time I would fall asleep. I will lie down in bed and my brain will start running and it can take me hours to get to sleep. If I do actually manage to fall asleep I will be awake in 2-4 hours and there is no chance of me sleeping again. This of course compounds the depression I deal with as I will be way too tired to handle a thing. A few years ago I got very sick due to an abscessed tooth that had become so because I just didn't have the money to go get it fixed. Things got so bad that it was making me physically ill, to the point I couldn't even get out of bed. I had an emergency visit to the dentist who prescribed me a huge dose of antibiotics right away and told me if I had waited my longer there could have been very serious consequences as the infection was beginning to move through my body. Because of the infection my tooth couldn't come out immediately and so I had to deal with the pain a bit longer.
That was the first time I took Tylenol pm to get to sleep, and it worked wonderfully I dropped off to sleep quite quickly, no lying in bed for hours driving myself crazy… just wonderful sleep. So even after the tooth was fixed I continued to use Tylenol pm but I would wake up after an hour or two and not be able to get back to bed. Anyway I managed to figure out a dose that would put me to sleep and keep me asleep for a decent amount of time. I cannot tell you how much of a difference that has made.
I have realized that sleep is vital to me and I need more of it than the 8 hours it is recommended we get. In fact I find that I need 10 hours of sleep a night to keep me stable and since I have been working on getting the right amount of sleep for my body my depression has diminished immensely and I can live my life instead of just existing. I still find it hard to get to sleep before 3 am, I think that is just how my internal clock is set and so I don't try to fight it. 3 am is also when my homework assignments are due and since I work much better in the evening/night I will work til that time and then take an hour or two to wind down before bed.
That is what gets me in trouble however, because I go to sleep so late at night (or early in the morning) it means I am sleeping through the morning and usually wake up after noon. I am often told by people that that isn't healthy or right and they equate it with laziness and so working to give my body as much sleep as it needs is often filled with shame. I manage to get almost straight A’s in school and handle a graphic design job as I work towards my bachelor’s degree but yet the fact that I sleep most of the morning and am up late at night makes me the wrong one. I am the failure at life. Yet it is that sleep, and listening to my body’s internal clock that has allowed me to manage my depression, I am able to cope with life AND take on a whole lot more than I ever was able to before and I am successful at it but because of that I am termed lazy yet that is what has let me live my life and it is why I am getting stronger. I wish people could understand that.
I deal with a chemical imbalance called depression, it is just a part of my life and like any other part of me I have adapted to it and am learning to cope when it makes life impossible. Four or five years ago depression had me so tightly in my grasp that I truly couldn't function; I don't know how to describe it except to say that I was in a truly dark place. I honestly could not see even a glimmer of hope and the only thing I was able to focus on was how perfect and logical killing myself would be. I would run through it in my mind, planning it and was totally convinced that that would be the nicest thing I could do for my family. I remember one January I saw our family picture hanging on our fridge and I took it and scanned it into my computer and ever so carefully removed me from the picture, and it just seemed so right to me. That was the depression talking; my depression fills me with a ton of lies repeating them over and over until you just start believing them.
When I finally got help and was put on an anti-depressant and slowly but surely things started to get better I was able to see through the darkness and could cope better with life. I am a great believer in using medication as a tool to deal with depression, and I am grateful for that pill. Thing is, as a full time student I have no health insurance, and the pills that worked for me were insanely expensive. A months’ worth cost nearly as much as a rent payment and that was way out of my reach. It got way to hard each month to try to come up with the money for the sanity pills and one month it just wasn't possible and so I had to go off of them.
I also deal with incredible insomnia; I have since I was young, but it got worse after a traumatic event I experienced caused awful nightmares every time I would fall asleep. I will lie down in bed and my brain will start running and it can take me hours to get to sleep. If I do actually manage to fall asleep I will be awake in 2-4 hours and there is no chance of me sleeping again. This of course compounds the depression I deal with as I will be way too tired to handle a thing. A few years ago I got very sick due to an abscessed tooth that had become so because I just didn't have the money to go get it fixed. Things got so bad that it was making me physically ill, to the point I couldn't even get out of bed. I had an emergency visit to the dentist who prescribed me a huge dose of antibiotics right away and told me if I had waited my longer there could have been very serious consequences as the infection was beginning to move through my body. Because of the infection my tooth couldn't come out immediately and so I had to deal with the pain a bit longer.
That was the first time I took Tylenol pm to get to sleep, and it worked wonderfully I dropped off to sleep quite quickly, no lying in bed for hours driving myself crazy… just wonderful sleep. So even after the tooth was fixed I continued to use Tylenol pm but I would wake up after an hour or two and not be able to get back to bed. Anyway I managed to figure out a dose that would put me to sleep and keep me asleep for a decent amount of time. I cannot tell you how much of a difference that has made.
I have realized that sleep is vital to me and I need more of it than the 8 hours it is recommended we get. In fact I find that I need 10 hours of sleep a night to keep me stable and since I have been working on getting the right amount of sleep for my body my depression has diminished immensely and I can live my life instead of just existing. I still find it hard to get to sleep before 3 am, I think that is just how my internal clock is set and so I don't try to fight it. 3 am is also when my homework assignments are due and since I work much better in the evening/night I will work til that time and then take an hour or two to wind down before bed.
That is what gets me in trouble however, because I go to sleep so late at night (or early in the morning) it means I am sleeping through the morning and usually wake up after noon. I am often told by people that that isn't healthy or right and they equate it with laziness and so working to give my body as much sleep as it needs is often filled with shame. I manage to get almost straight A’s in school and handle a graphic design job as I work towards my bachelor’s degree but yet the fact that I sleep most of the morning and am up late at night makes me the wrong one. I am the failure at life. Yet it is that sleep, and listening to my body’s internal clock that has allowed me to manage my depression, I am able to cope with life AND take on a whole lot more than I ever was able to before and I am successful at it but because of that I am termed lazy yet that is what has let me live my life and it is why I am getting stronger. I wish people could understand that.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Beginning of winter, and a silver lining
Today I woke up to a good 10+ inches of dense heavy snow all over the place. It truly was a winter wonderland and it looked so pretty. The snow was so heavy however that tons of branches and trees were brokenall over our area and we lost two big branches out of our beautiful maple tree. That was sad it is such a beautiful tree, but it will live and probably be just as beautiful next year, if not more so. Nature is good like that, and we are part of nature aren't we?
Anyway it has been a day of enjoying the snow from inside of nice warm house hee hee. I did go out for a bit, I had to run to the store to get more tylenol pm and driving home it felt like I had been transported to a magical place. The clouds were dense and scattered all about, and they were so low they were surrounding the houses and my car as I drove along. It wasn't fog it was definite clouds and oh man did it make the drive home wonderful.
So now I am home and I have my window open a bit because I am getting ready to go to bed, my tylenol pm's are beginning to kick in, and I find I sleep better in the cold. The chair that I am chilling in and doing some surfing and writing this here post is right in front of that window and so I have a little fleece jacket over my sweater and every so often shivers run through my body from the breeze that is coming in. My hands are a little numb and yet I like it because I am anticipating crawling under my super snuggly blankets in bed and it will feel so cozy!
Last night my friend who flipped out at me on Sunday night sent me a text to let me know she is writing a long email to me to explain herself, and I told her she had made herself quite clear because she had. So she asked "so you are ok with everything?" at first I just wanted to write back "yup" just cause my nature is to just try to smooth things over and not stand up for myself or say how I feel. I didn't though, I explained to her again that she hurt me, and also explained that by her telling me, that she basically just tells me what she thinks I want to hear it has me second guessing everything she says. but that she did make herself quite clear. I also explained that being a fake person was very harmful to me in the past and I didn't know if I could become that again in order to keep a friendship. She hasn't responded. I feel quite proud of me for speaking and showing my true feelings and thoughts instead of just acting like things were fine like I used to do.
I have to say one very positive thing that happened through all this is that it has made me realized how cool and awesome some of my friends are. I had shared this story with one of my dearest friends, he is so cool about listening and giving real thoughtful advice in a situation, even if a few times he has had to give me a verbal smack upside the head when I was doing something stupid. Anyway numerous times during the conversation he would say things like ...you had better not be fake with me, I want you to tell me the truth no matter what, and if you see anything that worries you about my relationship (with his new adorable girlfriend) I want you to tell me. I of course promised that I would, and I know that he will do the same for me. Now that is a great feeling, to know I don't have to worry about expressing myself and knowing I can trust him to be honest as well. This whole thing made me realize what a treasure real friends are, and I feel so grateful to have those strong honest friendships in my life. It also strengthened my resolve to quit wearing masks in order to be what others want me to be, and be my real genuine self. I think it is pretty fantastic how even negative events in your life can be good because they teach you lessons you would never have experienced otherwise.
Now I am off to crawl under the covers and have sweet dreams!
Anyway it has been a day of enjoying the snow from inside of nice warm house hee hee. I did go out for a bit, I had to run to the store to get more tylenol pm and driving home it felt like I had been transported to a magical place. The clouds were dense and scattered all about, and they were so low they were surrounding the houses and my car as I drove along. It wasn't fog it was definite clouds and oh man did it make the drive home wonderful.
So now I am home and I have my window open a bit because I am getting ready to go to bed, my tylenol pm's are beginning to kick in, and I find I sleep better in the cold. The chair that I am chilling in and doing some surfing and writing this here post is right in front of that window and so I have a little fleece jacket over my sweater and every so often shivers run through my body from the breeze that is coming in. My hands are a little numb and yet I like it because I am anticipating crawling under my super snuggly blankets in bed and it will feel so cozy!
Last night my friend who flipped out at me on Sunday night sent me a text to let me know she is writing a long email to me to explain herself, and I told her she had made herself quite clear because she had. So she asked "so you are ok with everything?" at first I just wanted to write back "yup" just cause my nature is to just try to smooth things over and not stand up for myself or say how I feel. I didn't though, I explained to her again that she hurt me, and also explained that by her telling me, that she basically just tells me what she thinks I want to hear it has me second guessing everything she says. but that she did make herself quite clear. I also explained that being a fake person was very harmful to me in the past and I didn't know if I could become that again in order to keep a friendship. She hasn't responded. I feel quite proud of me for speaking and showing my true feelings and thoughts instead of just acting like things were fine like I used to do.
I have to say one very positive thing that happened through all this is that it has made me realized how cool and awesome some of my friends are. I had shared this story with one of my dearest friends, he is so cool about listening and giving real thoughtful advice in a situation, even if a few times he has had to give me a verbal smack upside the head when I was doing something stupid. Anyway numerous times during the conversation he would say things like ...you had better not be fake with me, I want you to tell me the truth no matter what, and if you see anything that worries you about my relationship (with his new adorable girlfriend) I want you to tell me. I of course promised that I would, and I know that he will do the same for me. Now that is a great feeling, to know I don't have to worry about expressing myself and knowing I can trust him to be honest as well. This whole thing made me realize what a treasure real friends are, and I feel so grateful to have those strong honest friendships in my life. It also strengthened my resolve to quit wearing masks in order to be what others want me to be, and be my real genuine self. I think it is pretty fantastic how even negative events in your life can be good because they teach you lessons you would never have experienced otherwise.
Now I am off to crawl under the covers and have sweet dreams!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
No faking!
Last night was one that will not be listed in my good memories. I had one of my closest and most trusted friends rip into me quite completely out of the blue and I have to admit that even now I am still wounded and stewing about it.
Now my friend is such a great person, she has a huge heart and is a total blessing, we became friends YEARS ago when I was in grade 6 then I moved away and we lost touch for a while until we connected again through Facebook a few years ago. I am grateful for that because she soon became someone that I could talk to about some of the most important things in my life and she would share with me the same. The years before we reconnected were some of the darkest and most awful ones in my life. I am now much more introverted, which is partially because of my depression, and partly because I learned the hard way not everyone can be trusted, and letting people close often results in being hurt. I am working on that because I know that we need people in our lives, it isn't healthy to push everyone away but it is a long process. Anyway she has become someone that I felt I could let be close and I really care about her which is why the fight hurt so much more.
So why did we fight? Well let me give you a little background on my friend, she is around my age in her early thirties, works as a personal care provider at a old folks home. She has the most adorable and charming house, and some really great friends. She struggles with ADD and some emotional issues from some abuse she was victim to by an extended family member, but her heart is incredible and huge. I really do love her as a sister/friend, and I see how she struggles with self esteem issues very much like I used too, in fact I see a lot of my old pre-FA self in her. Though she is far from fat in fact she often gets thought of as being anorexic and we totally relate because we each get awful treatment cause of the size of our bodies. The fight we had shone even more of a light onto just how low her self esteem is and that breaks my heart. See I used to be very desperate to get people to like me, and even more desperate to be in a romantic relationship in order to feel like I am wanted. That has gone away as I work on accepting myself but I see it in her so much.
My friend will declared very vocally that she is totally ok being single and has made the statement numerous times that she is taking a year off from guys so she can focus on what is really important and work through healing from the abuse she suffered. Then a few days later she is going on and on about some guy in her life, how perfect he is, to the point of it being obsessive. I have been there for her as she gets stuck on these guys, goes out of her way to make them a part of her life. She becomes what she thinks they want, she begins to get into whatever they are into and that will become her whole world. She started doing that not long after we had gotten back into contact about one of her friends. That is all she ever talked about she would text me for hours about him, what he said, everything and I thought it was awesome cause ok yay cool a crush. But after a few months of that, where the only thing I ever heard about was him it started to worry me because it wasn't healthy. She often invited him to do things and they really did form a good friendship and she got us connected on facebook. He is a cool guy and we would comment on each others posts a few times and everytime we would she would show up and post a comment right away or text me and interrogate me as though there was something more when there wasn't and so because I cherished her friendship I ended up removing him so she wouldn't keep getting upset.
She would continually deny that she liked him (although later admitted that she really did) and then told me that he had asked her if she liked him as more than a friend... and she said no, then after she finally admitted that she did like him I think he was too afraid to get rejected again and so has never pursued anything more. Anyway they ended up being good friends and still are to. Now since that boy, there have been several more, including an ex that came back into her life and things were so toxic with them that she ended up contemplating filing a restraining order on him. I was there for her through that hurt and pain and I saw what he did to her and was glad when she finally realized she needed to cut him out of her life.
After that came another infatuation with a guy lets call him Dan, and I was actually really excited for her. From what she was telling me he was just awesome, and seemed really great. Then she started planning their future together, she called him "My Dan" all the time and planned what their first date would be. Then as time went on I realized that they were basically just casual friends, but she had made it to be so much more in her mind, every friendly gesture she read way more into and I could see she was going to be hurt because he didn't feel the way she thought he did so I kind of held back my enthusiasm and encouraged her to give him a little space. She didn't though and she ended up flipping out at him because she read way more into the offer of a ride to a seminar they were going to and he was caught off guard and got upset when she over-reacted.
Anyway, now a week or two after that happened she found out that her ex boyfriend was getting out of a drug and alcohol treatment program that he had been in for six months. Somehow, I am not sure who first wrote, but this past week they had exchanged an email and all of a sudden the obsession with "Dan" was completely gone and she kept texting me about her ex. Talking about how he has changed and oh she is just certain that this is the one she is supposed to be with, that she really feels God leading them to be together. After seeing how much he hurt her I had a hard time getting overly excited. Well he graduated yesterday from the rehab program and she was so excited, posting everywhere about how this was the best day and so on. Then she texted me with how amazing the day was and that her ex is definitely actively pursuing her and she is going to let him and can't wait for the future. As her friend I couldn't get excited and happy because I see this ending up in her being hurt agian even more and I really truly worry because she has such a sweet heart and I don't want to see her get broken and bitter like I used to be. all I could respond with was "Oh sweetie please be careful" and she flipped out.
I got a text in response ripping into me saying that I always put the guys she is involved with down just because I have a boyfriend and I want to "have on up on her." WOW I can not tell you how completely blindsided I was and how much of a punch in the stomach it felt like to read that. I have said before on here I am NOT a competitive person at all I just don't think like that and I will be the first to concede defeat to try to end a competition and so that was just so insane to hear. The last thing I think about my friend is that I have one up on her in anything. So I wrote back, still quite shocked and said "ok I will shut up, you won't hear another word from me about it :)" and she replied with I wasn't mad just saying.
So I texted back, "okay yeah that really hurt me a lot, I thought I was in a friendship not a competition. I have NEVER thought or wanted to have one up on you I am not like that but if you want the truth you have so much more "up on me" than I can list so you win ok you totally win. Me having a boyfriend isn't some kind of trophy. I was just trying to be a good friend but you have set your boundary and I will respect it so I wish you a ton of happiness him him and that is the last I will say about it."
She replied telling me she wants a friend who just cheers her on no matter what or how they are feeling, that's what a friend should do and all I could answer with was "K" then she texted again and basically said that is what she does to me and if the situation was reversed she knows that is what I would want and then she said she was going to bed so I replied again with "K."
Thing is that is SO NOT what I would want, I spent way to much of my life being fake to try to please other people and it almost killed me. I want REAL friends, friends who will tell me the truth even if they know it isn't what I want to hear and it might hurt me. I have had way too many people hurt me because of lies and being fake, I can't handle that, I don't want to always be wondering what is truth or a lie. I also refuse to be a fake person and work daily to be real and genuine. Like I said I spent the majority of my life being fake, wearing masks depending on who I was with, and always having to hide the real me to try please people. It nearly killed me, I was anxious all the time, I hated myself and I certainly wasn't being a good friend or showing real love to the people I was friends with. Thing is if I didn't care it wouldn't be hard just to be fake and encourage her into something that will hurt her, but I love her and I can not do that in good conscience. She is one of the very few that I let close to me, who I consider cherished friends, and the fact that that is what she wants hurts the most to me.
I also find that the trust that I had given her has been broken, I wonder what has been truth and what was her just being fake and telling me what she thought I wanted to hear. I really want to repair this friendship and recover from this fight but it is so hard for me to trust in the first place and when someone breaks that trust I don't know how to repair it when the other person isn't willing to be truthful 100%, also if she wants a fake friend, I can't be that. In order to be that for her I would have to stop caring, kill the friendship love I have for her and not be me. If that is what she wants, then she doesn't want me... and if she can't be honest with me, I don't want that friendship. I have way too many people who HAVE to be in my life who are fake to keep more as friends.
My mom says the level of defensiveness she showed kind of proves that deep inside she knows I am right about these guys, but is so desperate for that status symbol of a relationship she is willing to deal with someone who will use her and hurt her. That breaks my heart, and it makes me sad that she views a relationship as some kind of accessory to make herself feel better when it involves another person with real feelings and people shouldn't be used to make you feel better or more complete. It also kills me that she is willing to throw away our friendship in the pursuit of getting a guy. The few people I have talked to about this that I trust to be real like my boyfriend and my dear friend Matticus have remarked that she doesn't seem like much of a friend. Part of me is thinking that too, and feels reluctant to even try salvage the friendship, but the other part sees how amazing she is and I really care about her and wants to do whatever I can to keep the friendship.
I just don't know and right now I am so hurt and angry I can't really make a decision. Do I walk away and chalk it up to a learning experience, or do I be the cheerleader friend she wants just to keep things okay?
Now my friend is such a great person, she has a huge heart and is a total blessing, we became friends YEARS ago when I was in grade 6 then I moved away and we lost touch for a while until we connected again through Facebook a few years ago. I am grateful for that because she soon became someone that I could talk to about some of the most important things in my life and she would share with me the same. The years before we reconnected were some of the darkest and most awful ones in my life. I am now much more introverted, which is partially because of my depression, and partly because I learned the hard way not everyone can be trusted, and letting people close often results in being hurt. I am working on that because I know that we need people in our lives, it isn't healthy to push everyone away but it is a long process. Anyway she has become someone that I felt I could let be close and I really care about her which is why the fight hurt so much more.
So why did we fight? Well let me give you a little background on my friend, she is around my age in her early thirties, works as a personal care provider at a old folks home. She has the most adorable and charming house, and some really great friends. She struggles with ADD and some emotional issues from some abuse she was victim to by an extended family member, but her heart is incredible and huge. I really do love her as a sister/friend, and I see how she struggles with self esteem issues very much like I used too, in fact I see a lot of my old pre-FA self in her. Though she is far from fat in fact she often gets thought of as being anorexic and we totally relate because we each get awful treatment cause of the size of our bodies. The fight we had shone even more of a light onto just how low her self esteem is and that breaks my heart. See I used to be very desperate to get people to like me, and even more desperate to be in a romantic relationship in order to feel like I am wanted. That has gone away as I work on accepting myself but I see it in her so much.
My friend will declared very vocally that she is totally ok being single and has made the statement numerous times that she is taking a year off from guys so she can focus on what is really important and work through healing from the abuse she suffered. Then a few days later she is going on and on about some guy in her life, how perfect he is, to the point of it being obsessive. I have been there for her as she gets stuck on these guys, goes out of her way to make them a part of her life. She becomes what she thinks they want, she begins to get into whatever they are into and that will become her whole world. She started doing that not long after we had gotten back into contact about one of her friends. That is all she ever talked about she would text me for hours about him, what he said, everything and I thought it was awesome cause ok yay cool a crush. But after a few months of that, where the only thing I ever heard about was him it started to worry me because it wasn't healthy. She often invited him to do things and they really did form a good friendship and she got us connected on facebook. He is a cool guy and we would comment on each others posts a few times and everytime we would she would show up and post a comment right away or text me and interrogate me as though there was something more when there wasn't and so because I cherished her friendship I ended up removing him so she wouldn't keep getting upset.
She would continually deny that she liked him (although later admitted that she really did) and then told me that he had asked her if she liked him as more than a friend... and she said no, then after she finally admitted that she did like him I think he was too afraid to get rejected again and so has never pursued anything more. Anyway they ended up being good friends and still are to. Now since that boy, there have been several more, including an ex that came back into her life and things were so toxic with them that she ended up contemplating filing a restraining order on him. I was there for her through that hurt and pain and I saw what he did to her and was glad when she finally realized she needed to cut him out of her life.
After that came another infatuation with a guy lets call him Dan, and I was actually really excited for her. From what she was telling me he was just awesome, and seemed really great. Then she started planning their future together, she called him "My Dan" all the time and planned what their first date would be. Then as time went on I realized that they were basically just casual friends, but she had made it to be so much more in her mind, every friendly gesture she read way more into and I could see she was going to be hurt because he didn't feel the way she thought he did so I kind of held back my enthusiasm and encouraged her to give him a little space. She didn't though and she ended up flipping out at him because she read way more into the offer of a ride to a seminar they were going to and he was caught off guard and got upset when she over-reacted.
Anyway, now a week or two after that happened she found out that her ex boyfriend was getting out of a drug and alcohol treatment program that he had been in for six months. Somehow, I am not sure who first wrote, but this past week they had exchanged an email and all of a sudden the obsession with "Dan" was completely gone and she kept texting me about her ex. Talking about how he has changed and oh she is just certain that this is the one she is supposed to be with, that she really feels God leading them to be together. After seeing how much he hurt her I had a hard time getting overly excited. Well he graduated yesterday from the rehab program and she was so excited, posting everywhere about how this was the best day and so on. Then she texted me with how amazing the day was and that her ex is definitely actively pursuing her and she is going to let him and can't wait for the future. As her friend I couldn't get excited and happy because I see this ending up in her being hurt agian even more and I really truly worry because she has such a sweet heart and I don't want to see her get broken and bitter like I used to be. all I could respond with was "Oh sweetie please be careful" and she flipped out.
I got a text in response ripping into me saying that I always put the guys she is involved with down just because I have a boyfriend and I want to "have on up on her." WOW I can not tell you how completely blindsided I was and how much of a punch in the stomach it felt like to read that. I have said before on here I am NOT a competitive person at all I just don't think like that and I will be the first to concede defeat to try to end a competition and so that was just so insane to hear. The last thing I think about my friend is that I have one up on her in anything. So I wrote back, still quite shocked and said "ok I will shut up, you won't hear another word from me about it :)" and she replied with I wasn't mad just saying.
So I texted back, "okay yeah that really hurt me a lot, I thought I was in a friendship not a competition. I have NEVER thought or wanted to have one up on you I am not like that but if you want the truth you have so much more "up on me" than I can list so you win ok you totally win. Me having a boyfriend isn't some kind of trophy. I was just trying to be a good friend but you have set your boundary and I will respect it so I wish you a ton of happiness him him and that is the last I will say about it."
She replied telling me she wants a friend who just cheers her on no matter what or how they are feeling, that's what a friend should do and all I could answer with was "K" then she texted again and basically said that is what she does to me and if the situation was reversed she knows that is what I would want and then she said she was going to bed so I replied again with "K."
Thing is that is SO NOT what I would want, I spent way to much of my life being fake to try to please other people and it almost killed me. I want REAL friends, friends who will tell me the truth even if they know it isn't what I want to hear and it might hurt me. I have had way too many people hurt me because of lies and being fake, I can't handle that, I don't want to always be wondering what is truth or a lie. I also refuse to be a fake person and work daily to be real and genuine. Like I said I spent the majority of my life being fake, wearing masks depending on who I was with, and always having to hide the real me to try please people. It nearly killed me, I was anxious all the time, I hated myself and I certainly wasn't being a good friend or showing real love to the people I was friends with. Thing is if I didn't care it wouldn't be hard just to be fake and encourage her into something that will hurt her, but I love her and I can not do that in good conscience. She is one of the very few that I let close to me, who I consider cherished friends, and the fact that that is what she wants hurts the most to me.
I also find that the trust that I had given her has been broken, I wonder what has been truth and what was her just being fake and telling me what she thought I wanted to hear. I really want to repair this friendship and recover from this fight but it is so hard for me to trust in the first place and when someone breaks that trust I don't know how to repair it when the other person isn't willing to be truthful 100%, also if she wants a fake friend, I can't be that. In order to be that for her I would have to stop caring, kill the friendship love I have for her and not be me. If that is what she wants, then she doesn't want me... and if she can't be honest with me, I don't want that friendship. I have way too many people who HAVE to be in my life who are fake to keep more as friends.
My mom says the level of defensiveness she showed kind of proves that deep inside she knows I am right about these guys, but is so desperate for that status symbol of a relationship she is willing to deal with someone who will use her and hurt her. That breaks my heart, and it makes me sad that she views a relationship as some kind of accessory to make herself feel better when it involves another person with real feelings and people shouldn't be used to make you feel better or more complete. It also kills me that she is willing to throw away our friendship in the pursuit of getting a guy. The few people I have talked to about this that I trust to be real like my boyfriend and my dear friend Matticus have remarked that she doesn't seem like much of a friend. Part of me is thinking that too, and feels reluctant to even try salvage the friendship, but the other part sees how amazing she is and I really care about her and wants to do whatever I can to keep the friendship.
I just don't know and right now I am so hurt and angry I can't really make a decision. Do I walk away and chalk it up to a learning experience, or do I be the cheerleader friend she wants just to keep things okay?
Sunday, October 23, 2011
A homework assignment.
I had an assignment due last night to make a webpage showing off some basic JavaScript and AJAX. This is nothing new, with my classes I have an assignment due every night, and I do a pretty good job of meeting those deadlines. Now while you can just do the basic bare-bones site just to show you know the technique there are significant points rewarded for design and creativity. Now being a Graphic Designer and working on getting my bachelors in Multimedia and Interactive Technology I embrace the challenge of coming up with new creative ideas for each assignment. I have to admit there are days where I simply struggle with a new idea and yesterday was one of those days. I was so tempted to just hand in my assignment completely plain and simple, and I almost did but then I took a pinterest break and was delighted to see some great FA inspired pins amongst all the other ones and it inspired me to do a little site on steps a person can take to loving what they see in the mirror.
I was really happy with the results, and was excited to hand it in and spread the FA message to my classmates and professor who have to look at it in order to critique it and do their jobs :-) sneaky ? Yes! Fun? Definitely! I find I often do projects or assignments with an FA message because it is something that has meant so much to me and I want to share it with others, maybe someone will see something that really opens their eyes.
Anyway I thought I would share this with you all, feel free to pass it along as I plan to keep the site up and maybe even add to it in the future. Hope it inspires you like it did me!
I was really happy with the results, and was excited to hand it in and spread the FA message to my classmates and professor who have to look at it in order to critique it and do their jobs :-) sneaky ? Yes! Fun? Definitely! I find I often do projects or assignments with an FA message because it is something that has meant so much to me and I want to share it with others, maybe someone will see something that really opens their eyes.
Anyway I thought I would share this with you all, feel free to pass it along as I plan to keep the site up and maybe even add to it in the future. Hope it inspires you like it did me!
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