Monday, February 20, 2012

Proof that the 7th grade kids were right...

I was in 7th grade,  one year after moving from the home I had known in Canada to Minnesota so that my dad could go to Seminary. Now Andy had been in my 6th grade classroom, and in 7th grade when we started moving from room to room for our classes we shared a few of them, and sat site by side in social studies. He had always been nice to me, and we would talk, laugh, and joke as we worked on things together. I thought of him as somewhat of a friend, I mean we never hung out outside of classes but we had fun during them, I trusted him like I would a friend. Then one day after sitting down at the table we shared and pulling out my books and stuff Andy surprised me "Hey Teresa will you go out with me?" I was kind of shocked and puzzled I knew he had been dating Katie, one of the popular pretty girls but before I could say anything the teacher walked in.

So I did what 7th graders do in school.. I wrote him a note and slipped it to him asking him if he was serious and what about Katie. He wrote back saying he was totally serious and that he and Katie had broken up. We were taking notes and so nothing more was said until the teacher left the classroom for some reason. That's when Andy turned to me and said  "So what do you say?" I smiled at him and nodded saying "ok, " then the whole classroom burst out laughing along with Andy as he exclaimed " I can't believe you fell for it.. like I would go out with you." I was mortified, humiliated, but most of all hurt as I sat there in class as everyone laughed at me and what a stupid girl I was. It took everything in me but I didn't let them see me cry, I put my actress face on and acted like I had known it all along and I was just calling his bluff but of course word spread quickly and for the next few years until I moved away that became the joke... to ask me out and then laugh at how absurd a thought it was. I was so ashamed, so humiliated and I didn't tell anyone in my family about it because ... well shoot I felt so dumb that I could have actually thought some guy found me likeable. 

So I held it all in my heart and I swore that I would NEVER let that happen to me again. I would NEVER let someone else make a fool of me like that and I didn't. I put myself on the defense because I had learned that I needed to protect myself. As the years went by if a guy expressed interest in me at all I laughed it off and told him I was already clued into that joke and then I pushed him away. I tried letting down my guard with a few guys who seemed very genuine and caring after high school with awful results that left me broken. I finally came to the point that I didn't want to let anyone close at all ever because every time I did the people that I let close would prove once again that I was not worthy to be loved and I would be thrown away like trash for someone better. My experience in my life has been that I am unlovable, now I understand that that might not be the case, but that is my experience and my reality. So I had built up a great wall around my heart and then I met Drew. He expressed interest in me but I pushed him away and kept him at arms length, but he didn't give up on me. I would let him as close as a friend but then he tried telling me he loved me and I flipped out. I told him I didn't believe in that word that there is no such thing as love there is only toleration and that was all he was allowed to say to me cause I was done with being lied to. He kept telling me he loved me, and I kept telling him no you don't you tolerate me, and yet he stayed in my life he didn't give up. For the first time in my whole life I started to believe in love, and I realized that I loved him. I kept expecting it to all crash again like it had before but it didn't and I came to trust him completely. I really and truly loved him with all my heart and I did all I could to make sure that he KNEW it in his heart cause I didn't want to just say it. It was wonderful, and amazing and worth every struggle and compromise to experience that kind of love and feel loved just as I was.

And then it all came crashing down in one less than one stupid hour as I accidentally find out he was seeing someone else. He came online that night and I confronted him, honestly hoping that there was a valid explanation for what I found... but he didn't deny it. That was our last talk.. it lasted maybe 5 minutes.. and in 5 minutes, 5 years of a relationship that meant the world to me and that was my future lay in shards at my feet. For the final time it has been proven to me in the most concrete way that I am unlovable, and I am working on being ok with that and on facing a future alone but I am struggling. I can see how it was a good thing, it is good that that door closed because he apparently didn't love me, that was all lies. So it is good that he is gone, and he found someone better and he is happy and as stupid as this is my love for him is glad he is happy. So I can see the plus side... but I am in so much pain. I can't talk to anyone about the pain and despair that is constantly sitting like a lead weight in my heart, they don't want to hear it, it makes them uncomfortable and brings them down and then they avoid me. If I speak about how it has made me feel, about how completely stupid I am to have let myself be made the fool of again, they get mad and tell me not to talk like that. I try focusing on the positive, there are positives I see that but the realization that I will never be anything special to anyone. Add into that having two of my closest friends throw me away like trash because I didn't say or do the right thing that they wanted from me  has left me really struggling to stand strong. I just want to curl up and hide away,  I don't want to go out in the world and open myself up to more hurt. I realize that I am only good for what people can get from me and when I mess up or can't give more then I am not worth their time. I realize that I am not the kind of girl that can be loved romantically and if someone tells me they love me it only means for now until they can find something better. I get that in this world we learn to completely focus on ourselves and other people are necessary collateral and I realize that that is what I am but it hurts. I try to treat people with kindness and love. I try to accept everyone in my life and give as much as I can so they know they are loved but it hurts. I hurt. My heart is past hurt, it is just numb. I hate what keeping all this inside of me is doing to me and to my heart. I am shutting down and becoming fake again but I don't want to make my friends and family uncomfortable they shouldn't have to deal with me so I will keep it inside and learn to cope like this. I will be ok, I do know that there is one person who loves me completely and will never let me go and lets me dump it all and that is God. I know He can handle the pain and the stuff I need to express and He will get me through but I am struggling  and I just needed to get this out.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Tuesdays Post

There was supposed to be a new post put up early Tuesday morning. The post was to be written to my boyfriend in honor of his birthday. It was a letter to him that was going to talk about what a special gift he was to my life, how his love made me believe in love again after being horribly mistreated and betrayed by previous boyfriends. It was going to tell him how excited I was that we were talking about our future and planning it together. It was going to thank him for having the patience that he has had for the all the years we have been together as I deal with getting stronger and back on my feet after being raped and going through a breakdown that nearly ended my life. It was to thank him for always being honest with me, even when he had to tell me something that it wasn't easy to hear. That helped me to trust people again after a time where I couldn't trust anyone because of things that had happened to me.I wanted to thank him for showing me that a guy can be faithful to me.  It was to publicly thank him for helping me to heal and let him know how much he is loved and what an amazing gift he is to my life. My whole life I was raised by the people close to me, to believe that no one would love me because of my looks and the size of my body. He made me believe that maybe those things weren't true. He made me feel beautiful and invincible, and that I wasn't worthless like I had been led to believe.

Sunday night I sat down to begin to write the post. I was going to show it to him after I posted it to him on his birthday. As I was writing a little doubt flashed through my mind wondering if his birthday wasn't on monday instead, I have never been very good with remember any kind of dates. I still sometimes don't remember my families birthdays so I figured it would be wise to double check. I couldn't find it written anywhere on my calendar or anything and so the thought crossed my mind that maybe it would be on his Facebook page. I knew it had been hacked a while back but I thought it was worth a shot to see if it was there so I went to Facebook and struck out it wasn't there. Just as I was about to close the page out I spotted a display picture on one of the friends on the friends list that shows up on the left of the screen. It had a couple on it and the guy looked like Drew. Curiously I clicked on it and yup it was him, with another girl. A quick google search of that girls name brought up two more pictures of them together and it was clear they were more than just friends. I told him about it as soon as I saw him again and he basically confirmed it and said it was just something that happened. I went numb and don't really remember what he said after that all I know is I said goodbye. Since then it has been a numb blur as I process everything and work through my feelings now. I feel broken and betrayed and am grieving the loss of someone I truly loved. I also can't help those thought that are now popping up telling me it was my fault and if I was just prettier, skinnier, better he wouldn't have done that. Part of me feels like I can't blame him because I deserved it for not being perfect or good enough, and that I didn't deserve to be loved or respected. I know in my head that that isn't true, but the other part of me feels like this proved everyone right and that is hard to overcome.

So Tuesday was supposed to be a public love letter to the man I loved with my whole heart in honor of him and his birthday. Instead I found myself questioning everything he ever told me especially the part about loving me and all that and wondering where the man I adored went to and who this stranger in his place was. Now I grieve and move on.