Bullying Damages Peoples Lives!

In my previous post I talked through some of my feelings regarding finding that the man I had been dedicated to for the past 5 years had been cheating on me. I shared how I was bullied as a young girl in school by people playing with my heart and feelings by pretending to be interested in me,  and then finding it hilarious when I believed what they were saying. In that post I was beating myself up for once again playing the fool like I had back in then, all those feelings of being the stupid fool had come flooding back and I kept telling myself how dumb I was to believe someone could love me. Those are the same lies that I was taunted with back then, and here a good 25 some years later those messages are still very deeply ingrained in my mind. They were my "truth" as I was growing up and that "truth" effected my whole life and it is what I struggle with now as I work to replace those lies with actual truth.

I have been pondering all this lately after I finally realized where the anger at myself was coming from, and I will admit I have been simmering with a little bit of anger. No longer am I angry at myself I am angry at those kids who found it so hilarious to play with someone elses heart and lives. I am angry that they felt it was ok to treat me and others who didn't "measure up" as third class citizens who deserved to be treated like crap. I am angry at all those people who will sit back and say bullying is harmful and that kids will be kids. I am really angry at the ones who say that "you have to be cruel to be kind" and that talk about tough love and try so desperately to hide the fact that they are just mean concern trolls. A comment on one of the blogs I read in the past few weeks (I can't remember where so if it was you give me a heads up) has really stuck in my head. They were commenting about tough love and said if that is the way you love then go love someone else. That was huge for me, I thought oh that is so right on, they go on and on about tough love and having to be mean in order to "save" someone, but does anyone ask the victim if they asked to be "loved?"  I dare to wager that the majority would gladly pass on that kind of love, and would be better off for doing so. I honestly don't care how good your intentions are, if the person you are pointing them at doesn't invite you to share them, then shut your mouth, cause you aren't an undercover superhero.

Another thing that has me angry is how the adults I tried talking to when I was being bullied would react or respond. Most of the time I was told "You just gotta ignore them, they are just trying to get a reaction out of you and if you don't react they will stop" then the other thing that would happen was I would be encouraged to go on a diet, lose weight, change myself. Here is the deal folks, when a person, especially a young kid is being victimized by a bully or bullies, it is so not cool to put the responsibility for stopping it onto the victims shoulders cause lemme tell ya, they have enough to shoulder. That is the #1 reason that I stopped speaking out about all the stuff I went through, because it always became my problem, I would have to change myself or my reactions, I was the one in the wrong, not the bully. It wasn't until my late twenties  just a few years ago when I was in a group counseling session at a clinic I had gone to in California for eating disorders that I actually shared some of the stuff I went through. To me it was just my childhood, it was my normal, all I knew but my counselor looked at me seriously and said "Teresa that was ABUSE, you talk about it as though it was your fault and that is was ok but that was ABUSE and it is not ok that that happened to you and I am so very sorry you had to go through that."  That was the very first time in my life that I ever heard someone 1)give it the name of abuse because that is what it was and 2) tell me that I didn't deserve it and 3) that they were so sorry that it had happened to me. The first time I had EVER heard any of that. It honestly shocked me and I started to disagree because I was still holding the feeling of responsibility for it, then I just went silent for the rest of the session. I didn't know how to process not just that what was my normal, was actually abuse, but I also struggled to process that it wasn't my fault and that someone said they were sorry... to me...for what I have gone through. That counselor still holds a very dear place in my heart, he opened my eyes in such a profound way and I can still hear his voice and see his face as he spoke those words.

SleepyDumpling wrote a post on Fat Heffalump the other day Bullies – You Don’t Get a Cookie for Feeling Bad that had me nodding my head in agreement the whole way through. I am so sick of bullies getting a pass for their abusive behavior, and the thought of people feeling bad for them because "oh they must have had such a hard life" yeah well life is tough for everyone and that doesn't give us license to abuse others because of it. We need to not only stop bullying, and teach our children that bullying is bad and wrong, we need to give real consequences to the bullies not the victims. We need to stick up for the victims of bullies abusive ways, and we need to teach our children to be NICE  and how to treat people with RESPECT even if you might not like them for some reason. The best way to do this is to model it in our own lives, treat the people we run across in life with respect. Yeah ok it might be nice to tell kids that "it gets better" but in the case of being a fat person that isn't always true and sometimes when you grow up the adults can be even worse than the kids were. It doesn't always get better and that cliche annoys me because it rings so much of the responses that I got from the adults that should have been protecting me in order to brush me aside. It might not get better, it might get worse, but I have found in the fat acceptance community that even if it doesn't get better you can find people who will stand beside you and tell you that what has happened to you is not ok and that they are so very sorry. They also help you replace the lies the bullies and abusers throw at you with the truth and that helps you to get stronger and stand firm when it doesn't get better.

So what do you think of "tough love" and people that think that abuse and shame is a good way to help people?  What do you think of the "It gets better"saying?  What can adults do when a kid comes to them and tells them they are being bullied, how would you react?

Quietness

So I have been rather quiet lately. That comes from a few different things, first off I just started a new term in school and so I am getting back into the swing of the new class schedule and recovering from last term lol.

Then I have been doing some active procrastination and avoidance because I am dealing with this awful feeling of being so mean for having to cut that friend who I really do care about out of my life. Don't get me wrong, I know that it had to be done. I just keep feeling so awful that it had to get to that length of blocking her number so she can't call or text me, and setting up my email so it bounces any emails she might send me, as well as blocking her on Facebook. It just seems so mean to me, however I do know that if I didn't she wouldn't respect my decision in this. She would keep trying to explain herself and get me to agree with her and if I didn't she would go back to treating me like some evil enemy and it would probably get even worse. I keep wanting to reverse everything but I know that if I take down those defenses things will get even worse. I feel at peace with how I left it, because I focused on the positive and really thanking her for what she had added to my life while she was in it, I didn't want to attack her and make her feel hated  so I just left it at that. There is just this horrible feeling that I am so mean and heartless, but the damage was done and I really don't know how we could get back to a friendship level.

So that has been what I have been struggling with and I am sure I will work through it but it has just been making me get a bit more introverted this week. I do have a few posts in the works,  but right now I just really wanted to share this video with everyone. It hits me so deeply because what she describes is a lot of what I went through on my journey to fat acceptance and how I feel.  The first time I saw it I wanted so badly to post it on my Facebook wall because it just said so much, I love it so much and love that it includes images from Adipositivity. That site was one that really made me begin to see beauty when I looked into the mirror. I however have a lot of younger teens on my page, as well as people who are very conservative and I didn't want to offend or upset them so I haven't, but I need to post it here. I think it is just so well done and well said! So please enjoy!!!

The End of the Beginning

So last night that friend texted me about 8 hours after I sent her the text telling me that she was sorry I was upset but she isn't willing to talk to me and she ignored and deleted my text to her. That when she is ready to talk she will write me an email and that I should be ready to listen. That she knows that my love for her is limited and that is ok, but she still loves me. That she has forgiven me and is praying for me and my trust issues.

That honestly broke me, I had so much anger running through me from what she said and how she painted and treated me like I was some kind of demon spawn when I treated her with nothing but respect even when voicing my hurt. My hands were shaking to much to respond right away so I took a few moments to calm down and when I did I realized I was done. So I just wrote to her and told her to just do whatever she had to do for herself and I wouldn't bother her anymore, and that was the end of that convo. It took all of 5 minutes for me to decided I truly was done, I love myself to much to hold onto an abusive relationship like that and so I removed anyway she might have of communicating with me except for facebook, since she had already blocked me on there I couldn't set that one. I realized though that I needed to let her know that I did and do care about her, that it wasn't because I hated her that I chose to do this and so I wrote her a note letting her know that she truly was a blessing in my life while she was in it. I didn't want to end on a note of hate, or anger, that isn't me it isn't who I am and so I just let her know some of the things that made her special and then I attached an art piece that I had made for her right before she flipped out on me since it was meant for her and told her I wouldn't bother her again.

well less than an hour later I see a message on my facebook acount from her saying yahoo isn't letting me send you an email, (no that was my decision) and so I will write you here. I guess not I warrented being unblocked since it benefited her. She told me that she was upset because she saw a status on my facebook weeks ago where I said I was so excited that my bestest friend, was getting married and looking forward to helping her plan long distance like. Now like I said before this friend and I hadn't been in contact for like 12 years previous to reconnecting and I had lived in Canada and of course I made friends there, including one who I have had since grade 9. "L" has been there for me and though we didn't talk during the time I was struggling big time with depression just because I wouldn't let myself reach out to her, when I got better and reached out she was there for me and is now planning her wedding and wants me involved which is a huge honor. That night she had texted me to let me know that he had just proposed, I was the first one she told and you better believe I was excited. Her and I have dreamed of this for years and I was ecstatic. Let me just tell you this here, I have more than enough love in my heart to have several friends and I think it is healthy to have more than one friendship because one person can't meet all your needs. Plus my heart is almost as big as my fat behind. 

That was apparently what made the other friend freak out, she told me that she may have other friends but that I am her "bestest" friend and I hurt her by calling "L" my best friend. She told me that I had also hurt her because on that day that she fipped out when I responded with concern regarding her ex she was expecting me to ask her how it went (however she had just texted me telling me how it had went) then went onto say her blocking me was just because she was hurt and that she hopes I was as miserable as she was these weeks not talking. She wrapped it up saying things will be different from now on cause she will have accountability and told me she loved me and called me a dear friend.

I kind of just felt physically ill reading it, that she could treat me like such scum because she was jealous and that was ok? I sat there for a few minutes and thought, what will she do next time I unwittingly make her jealous or don't react the way she thinks I should? It filled me with fer and I got anxious thinking about always having to worry about when the next freakout would be. Then I realized I may love her, and her friendship, but I do love me more. That was a very shocking revelation, as someone who has spent most of her life hating herself, I felt the urgent need to protect myself. So I went to her facebook account and I was the one blocking this time. I was blocking someone I care dearly about because I realized for the first time I care about me to much to put myself into that again. I was setting myself free from a friendship that would honestly become chains of fear to upset her again, and to always have to question if she is being truthful, and really I was releasing her as well. Now I don't know what the future holds, but as of right now I feel peace because I am taking care of me so I can reach out to those who actually want my friendship no strings attached, and who treat me with love and respect.

This is a true step for me, I have never loved myself enough to take a step that while hard is protecting me in the long run. I really think a big part of that is fat acceptance and learning to love me  and not thinking I deserved the hurt and drama just because I was fat. Fat acceptance has taught me to take care of myself, that I don't have to take abuse of any kind as my penance for not fitting into a size 2 and that my mental health is a part of overall health and taking the steps needed to keep myself healthy. I am also learning that I don't have to put up with awful treatment because no one else will want to be my friend, in fact I am finding that quite a few people think I am amazing and actually want to be around me. So it might have been the end of a friendship, but it is part of the beginning of me really evaluating and choosing my friendships wisely, and truly taking care of myself so that I do have the energy for those people who have shown they are real friends. It is ok to remove people from your life, it is sometimes the most loving thing you can do for you but also for the other person.

So that closes that chapter in my life, I know I have talked about this a lot on my blog but it gave me a good outlet to talk things through.