Sleep, it doesn't make me lazy, it helps me live.

~*~ Trigger warning for talk of depression ~*~

I deal with a chemical imbalance called depression, it is just a part of my life and like any other part of me I have adapted to it and am learning to cope when it makes life impossible. Four or five years ago depression had me so tightly in my grasp that I truly couldn't function; I don't know how to describe it except to say that I was in a truly dark place. I honestly could not see even a glimmer of hope and the only thing I was able to focus on was how perfect and logical killing myself would be. I would run through it in my mind, planning it and was totally convinced that that would be the nicest thing I could do for my family. I remember one January I saw our family picture hanging on our fridge and I took it and scanned it into my computer and ever so carefully removed me from the picture, and it just seemed so right to me. That was the depression talking; my depression fills me with a ton of lies repeating them over and over until you just start believing them.

When I finally got help and was put on an anti-depressant and slowly but surely things started to get better I was able to see through the darkness and could cope better with life. I am a great believer in using medication as a tool to deal with depression, and I am grateful for that pill. Thing is, as a full time student I have no health insurance, and the pills that worked for me were insanely expensive. A months’ worth cost nearly as much as a rent payment and that was way out of my reach. It got way to hard each month to try to come up with the money for the sanity pills and one month it just wasn't possible and so I had to go off of them.

I also deal with incredible insomnia; I have since I was young, but it got worse after a traumatic event I experienced caused awful nightmares every time I would fall asleep. I will lie down in bed and my brain will start running and it can take me hours to get to sleep. If I do actually manage to fall asleep I will be awake in 2-4 hours and there is no chance of me sleeping again. This of course compounds the depression I deal with as I will be way too tired to handle a thing. A few years ago I got very sick due to an abscessed tooth that had become so because I just didn't have the money to go get it fixed. Things got so bad that it was making me physically ill, to the point I couldn't even get out of bed. I had an emergency visit to the dentist who prescribed me a huge dose of antibiotics right away and told me if I had waited my longer there could have been very serious consequences as the infection was beginning to move through my body. Because of the infection my tooth couldn't come out immediately and so I had to deal with the pain a bit longer.

That was the first time I took Tylenol pm to get to sleep, and it worked wonderfully I dropped off to sleep quite quickly, no lying in bed for hours driving myself crazy…  just wonderful sleep. So even after the tooth was fixed I continued to use Tylenol pm but I would wake up after an hour or two and not be able to get back to bed. Anyway I managed to figure out a dose that would put me to sleep and keep me asleep for a decent amount of time. I cannot tell you how much of a difference that has made.
I have realized that sleep is vital to me and I need more of it than the 8 hours it is recommended we get. In fact I find that I need 10 hours of sleep a night to keep me stable and since I have been working on getting the right amount of sleep for my body my depression has diminished immensely and I can live my life instead of just existing. I still find it hard to get to sleep before 3 am, I think that is just how my internal clock is set and so I don't try to fight it. 3 am is also when my homework assignments are due and since I work much better in the evening/night I will work til that time and then take an hour or two to wind down before bed.

That is what gets me in trouble however, because I go to sleep so late at night (or early in the morning) it means I am sleeping through the morning and usually wake up after noon. I am often told by people that that isn't healthy or right and they equate it with laziness and so working to give my body as much sleep as it needs is often filled with shame.  I manage to get almost straight A’s in school and handle a graphic design job as I work towards my bachelor’s degree but yet the fact that I sleep most of the morning and am up late at night makes me the wrong one. I am the failure at life.  Yet it is that sleep, and listening to my body’s internal clock that has allowed me to manage my depression, I am able to cope with life AND take on a whole lot more than I ever was able to before and I am successful at it but because of that I am termed lazy yet that is what has let me live my life and it is why I am getting stronger.  I wish people could understand that.

And so it begins,

Well, my mom has decided it was time for "her to do something about her weight, she just has to get healthy you know", and so she signed up for Weight Stalkers. Now my mom got her "Lifetime Membership Key" way back when I was about 7 and she had started taking me there. It looked just like that lovely key over there. Apparently you get the key when you reach your goal weight (and I think maintain it for a while if I remember right) she has since lost the key. She has also regained the weight although I think she is beautiful. She has always been a dieter, and I know a part of me resents that she forced me into it at such a young age, and a lot of what I went through in regards to food, was because of her dieting indoctrination.

She says she is doing it because her bloodwork came back a little high and so she really needs to get healthy, and can I just say my heart broke when I heard her on the phone with her doctor. Now of course I couldn't hear what the doctor was saying, but the way my mom was apologizing and assuring the doctor that yes she is doing something about her weight made me realize the doctor was pretty much scolding her, and making her feel like the blood work was all her fault. So she signed up with "the NEW Weight Stalkers" cause it is online and  I guess has all these new tools to compound your obsession with weight and food even things you can take with you so you can spend every single minute of your day obsessing... yay?

Of course with her fancy new tools and point counters and all that jazz come the diet food that is slowly replacing the normal edible stuff we keep around. That part is annoying because it doesn't taste good, certainly isn't satisfying, and it causes me a lot of heart burn and digestive problems. You know what though, whatever, if tha'ts what she wants to do that's her choice. It makes me sad knowing she still buys into this fantasy of being thin and kills me to know that it won't work now just like it didn't work all the other times she has done this, and then she considers herself a failure. IT makes me sad but it is her choice, and she is my mother I can't stop her.

What does drive me crazy is the little comments she makes now, talking about how she is going to get healthy and then she turns into that wonderful species I have classified as the "Concernicus Troll." The "Concernicus Troll" often masquerades as a loved one, or someone who really cares. They start hedging around the "bush of fat" talking about their own weight and their health and suddenly you become the focus. They get that scared and concerned tone in their voice and express how much they love and care and oh they are just sooooo worried about your health. Thing is in my case I was just at the doctors for a very basic physical, they checked my blood pressure and levels and stuff and it was all fine, in the normal range although of course I got the required spiel from the doctor about how my death was imminent and I really need to lose weight as a preventative measure. I was expecting that so while I was getting the lecture I was mentally organizing my closet.

Anyway my numbers were fine, my mom knows that because I made a point to tell her, and yet still now that she has hopped back on the Weight Stalkers train and I keep getting attacked by the "Concernicus Troll." I do my best to ignore it and brush it off, but the hard thing about that type of troll is that their weapon is laced in guilt and if you don't re-assure or acknowledge how wonderful it is that they care they get all upset and hurt and then you are left feeling even worse.

I feel tempted to tell her that if I am not concerned then she shouldn't be either, but I know that will come across all wrong. So I just kind of ignore it and change the topic, go to my room, or just stay silent. So how can you deal with that special kind of "Concernicus Troll" without ruining the relationship, or starting a fight? Has anyone had an experience like that and managed to handle it in a way that didn't cause problems?