Bullying Damages Peoples Lives!

In my previous post I talked through some of my feelings regarding finding that the man I had been dedicated to for the past 5 years had been cheating on me. I shared how I was bullied as a young girl in school by people playing with my heart and feelings by pretending to be interested in me,  and then finding it hilarious when I believed what they were saying. In that post I was beating myself up for once again playing the fool like I had back in then, all those feelings of being the stupid fool had come flooding back and I kept telling myself how dumb I was to believe someone could love me. Those are the same lies that I was taunted with back then, and here a good 25 some years later those messages are still very deeply ingrained in my mind. They were my "truth" as I was growing up and that "truth" effected my whole life and it is what I struggle with now as I work to replace those lies with actual truth.

I have been pondering all this lately after I finally realized where the anger at myself was coming from, and I will admit I have been simmering with a little bit of anger. No longer am I angry at myself I am angry at those kids who found it so hilarious to play with someone elses heart and lives. I am angry that they felt it was ok to treat me and others who didn't "measure up" as third class citizens who deserved to be treated like crap. I am angry at all those people who will sit back and say bullying is harmful and that kids will be kids. I am really angry at the ones who say that "you have to be cruel to be kind" and that talk about tough love and try so desperately to hide the fact that they are just mean concern trolls. A comment on one of the blogs I read in the past few weeks (I can't remember where so if it was you give me a heads up) has really stuck in my head. They were commenting about tough love and said if that is the way you love then go love someone else. That was huge for me, I thought oh that is so right on, they go on and on about tough love and having to be mean in order to "save" someone, but does anyone ask the victim if they asked to be "loved?"  I dare to wager that the majority would gladly pass on that kind of love, and would be better off for doing so. I honestly don't care how good your intentions are, if the person you are pointing them at doesn't invite you to share them, then shut your mouth, cause you aren't an undercover superhero.

Another thing that has me angry is how the adults I tried talking to when I was being bullied would react or respond. Most of the time I was told "You just gotta ignore them, they are just trying to get a reaction out of you and if you don't react they will stop" then the other thing that would happen was I would be encouraged to go on a diet, lose weight, change myself. Here is the deal folks, when a person, especially a young kid is being victimized by a bully or bullies, it is so not cool to put the responsibility for stopping it onto the victims shoulders cause lemme tell ya, they have enough to shoulder. That is the #1 reason that I stopped speaking out about all the stuff I went through, because it always became my problem, I would have to change myself or my reactions, I was the one in the wrong, not the bully. It wasn't until my late twenties  just a few years ago when I was in a group counseling session at a clinic I had gone to in California for eating disorders that I actually shared some of the stuff I went through. To me it was just my childhood, it was my normal, all I knew but my counselor looked at me seriously and said "Teresa that was ABUSE, you talk about it as though it was your fault and that is was ok but that was ABUSE and it is not ok that that happened to you and I am so very sorry you had to go through that."  That was the very first time in my life that I ever heard someone 1)give it the name of abuse because that is what it was and 2) tell me that I didn't deserve it and 3) that they were so sorry that it had happened to me. The first time I had EVER heard any of that. It honestly shocked me and I started to disagree because I was still holding the feeling of responsibility for it, then I just went silent for the rest of the session. I didn't know how to process not just that what was my normal, was actually abuse, but I also struggled to process that it wasn't my fault and that someone said they were sorry... to me...for what I have gone through. That counselor still holds a very dear place in my heart, he opened my eyes in such a profound way and I can still hear his voice and see his face as he spoke those words.

SleepyDumpling wrote a post on Fat Heffalump the other day Bullies – You Don’t Get a Cookie for Feeling Bad that had me nodding my head in agreement the whole way through. I am so sick of bullies getting a pass for their abusive behavior, and the thought of people feeling bad for them because "oh they must have had such a hard life" yeah well life is tough for everyone and that doesn't give us license to abuse others because of it. We need to not only stop bullying, and teach our children that bullying is bad and wrong, we need to give real consequences to the bullies not the victims. We need to stick up for the victims of bullies abusive ways, and we need to teach our children to be NICE  and how to treat people with RESPECT even if you might not like them for some reason. The best way to do this is to model it in our own lives, treat the people we run across in life with respect. Yeah ok it might be nice to tell kids that "it gets better" but in the case of being a fat person that isn't always true and sometimes when you grow up the adults can be even worse than the kids were. It doesn't always get better and that cliche annoys me because it rings so much of the responses that I got from the adults that should have been protecting me in order to brush me aside. It might not get better, it might get worse, but I have found in the fat acceptance community that even if it doesn't get better you can find people who will stand beside you and tell you that what has happened to you is not ok and that they are so very sorry. They also help you replace the lies the bullies and abusers throw at you with the truth and that helps you to get stronger and stand firm when it doesn't get better.

So what do you think of "tough love" and people that think that abuse and shame is a good way to help people?  What do you think of the "It gets better"saying?  What can adults do when a kid comes to them and tells them they are being bullied, how would you react?

Quietness

So I have been rather quiet lately. That comes from a few different things, first off I just started a new term in school and so I am getting back into the swing of the new class schedule and recovering from last term lol.

Then I have been doing some active procrastination and avoidance because I am dealing with this awful feeling of being so mean for having to cut that friend who I really do care about out of my life. Don't get me wrong, I know that it had to be done. I just keep feeling so awful that it had to get to that length of blocking her number so she can't call or text me, and setting up my email so it bounces any emails she might send me, as well as blocking her on Facebook. It just seems so mean to me, however I do know that if I didn't she wouldn't respect my decision in this. She would keep trying to explain herself and get me to agree with her and if I didn't she would go back to treating me like some evil enemy and it would probably get even worse. I keep wanting to reverse everything but I know that if I take down those defenses things will get even worse. I feel at peace with how I left it, because I focused on the positive and really thanking her for what she had added to my life while she was in it, I didn't want to attack her and make her feel hated  so I just left it at that. There is just this horrible feeling that I am so mean and heartless, but the damage was done and I really don't know how we could get back to a friendship level.

So that has been what I have been struggling with and I am sure I will work through it but it has just been making me get a bit more introverted this week. I do have a few posts in the works,  but right now I just really wanted to share this video with everyone. It hits me so deeply because what she describes is a lot of what I went through on my journey to fat acceptance and how I feel.  The first time I saw it I wanted so badly to post it on my Facebook wall because it just said so much, I love it so much and love that it includes images from Adipositivity. That site was one that really made me begin to see beauty when I looked into the mirror. I however have a lot of younger teens on my page, as well as people who are very conservative and I didn't want to offend or upset them so I haven't, but I need to post it here. I think it is just so well done and well said! So please enjoy!!!

A homework assignment.

I had an assignment due last night to make a webpage showing off some basic JavaScript and AJAX. This is nothing new, with my classes I have an assignment due every night, and I do a pretty good job of meeting those deadlines. Now while you can just do the basic bare-bones site just to show you know the technique there are significant points rewarded for design and creativity. Now being a Graphic Designer and working on getting my bachelors in Multimedia and Interactive Technology I embrace the challenge of coming up with new creative ideas for each assignment. I have to admit there are days where I simply struggle with a new idea and yesterday was one of those days. I was so tempted to just hand in my assignment completely plain and simple, and I almost did but then I took a pinterest break and was delighted to see some great FA inspired pins amongst all the other ones and it inspired me to do a little site on steps a person can take to loving what they see in the mirror.

I was really happy with the results, and was excited to hand it in and spread the FA message to my classmates and professor who have to look at it in order to critique it and do their jobs :-)  sneaky ? Yes! Fun? Definitely!  I find I often do projects or assignments with an FA message because it is something that has meant so much to me and I want to share it with others, maybe someone will see something that really opens their eyes.

Go to the Loving Yourself Website!

Anyway I thought I would share this with you all, feel free to pass it along as I plan to keep the site up and maybe even add to it in the future. Hope it inspires you like it did me!

Happy Joy?

I found this little video a week or so ago and I love it. I have never really paid much attention to Sara Bareilles before but I really should have! The song is fun to listen to and the video is so fun to watch. I especially like it because there is a wide variety of people and body shapes in it and not a bit of shaming for one type or another. It makes me smile and want to dance a bit.

We all need a little fun so here you go a little happy for the day!

You are all awesome!

I came across the site AwesomenessReminders the other day and it instantly made me smile. AwesomenessReminders is a simple idea, you sign up for a monthly cost and they provide a phone call everyday just to tell you or someone you love that they are awesome. If they don't reach a person they leave the message in voicemail. How cute is that?

Now you can have all of the calls go to you, or you can schedule the calls to go to other people on certain days. Such a simple idea but wow what a great one, I think receiving a call from someone just to tell you that you are awesome would really have an impact on people. So often we are bombarded with a ton of messages that tell us how imperfect we are, how we need to do this or that to even be acceptable, and it has become very uncommon to hear that hey you are ok just the way you are and actually you are quite awesome.

This site just made me smile because it is a little drop of a positive message in the deluge of negativity we deal with. Who doesn't need to hear that we are ok, it kind of reminds me of the daily affirmation skit on Saturday Night Live. Now say it with me folks ...

Because I'm good enough.. I'm smart enough.. 

and, doggonit, people like me!

I AM AWESOME!

Dear You... YES YOU!!!!

Dear Anyone who finds it hard to love themselves AS THEY ARE,

You are positively BEAUTIFUL!

I love the freckles on your nose, they bring out the colors in your eyes. Your hair frames your face perfectly. Your laugh is contagious and you will always make me smile.

Those scars on your knees? They show me you have fallen. The sparkle in your eyes when you smile? They show me you picked yourself up. Your smile is drop dead gorgeous, wear it more often. Seriously, think about who CARES, that you have acne. WHO really cares if you're overweight or underweight, tall or short, tan or pale, an A cup or a HH cup?

All that matters it that someone thinks that you are beautiful just the way you are and that someone is me. I wish you could love yourself the way I love you, the way your family loves you, the way your friends love you. The ones who care about all that superficial crap really don't matter in the grand scheme of life, and the ones who DO matter see all the "flaws" with eyes of love and love them because it is part of what makes you so special to them.

My greatest wish for all of you
is that you can see yourself through the eyes
of those who love you,
all of you,
just the way you are!

~ Love ,
Me

Fat IS beautiful through Art!

A few weeks ago there was a post on Fat Heffalump's blog about Fat Acceptance in art and it really got me thinking. About 3 years ago I stumbled upon this most amazing art that featured beautiful FAT people. This was the first time I had really ever seen people in sizes and shapes closer to mine portrayed in a beautiful, kind, caring, and loving light and it absolutely floored me!! This was the first time it ever hit me that some people actually do find fat people good looking, and that someone could maybe find me pretty or not that hideous as well. This began my journey of Size Acceptance, and the even more personal aspect of beginning to see myself as a beautiful, and worthwhile human being. So being that art has had such a HUGE impact on my life and I really want to share it with others so that they can begin to see beauty in all shapes, even if it doesn't fit with society's norm. So I will be posting regularly with different art and artist's who are making a difference in the scenery of beautiful!

The first artist I want to highlight and applaud is Rachel Marsh AKA Comethime she is also has a great size acceptance blog and her art has really had an impact on how I see myself and is one reason why I can now look in the mirror and see something beautiful. I encourage you to explore the artists I will be highlighting, I also think that it is important to support and encourage these artists because the work they do helps to further the Size Acceptance movement. These artists often struggle financially because it is just hard to make a stable living as an artist so the work they do is often done because they care and truly love the beauty of fat.

The first piece I saw of hers was:

Link It was beautiful in so many ways, I loved the dress and the stars, and she was fat AND beautiful. WOW.

A Few of my other faves are:
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CLICK TO CHECK OUT THE REST OF HER AMAZING GALLERY!!!!!