I was in 7th grade, one year after moving from the home I had known in Canada to Minnesota so that my dad could go to Seminary. Now Andy had been in my 6th grade classroom, and in 7th grade when we started moving from room to room for our classes we shared a few of them, and sat site by side in social studies. He had always been nice to me, and we would talk, laugh, and joke as we worked on things together. I thought of him as somewhat of a friend, I mean we never hung out outside of classes but we had fun during them, I trusted him like I would a friend. Then one day after sitting down at the table we shared and pulling out my books and stuff Andy surprised me "Hey Teresa will you go out with me?" I was kind of shocked and puzzled I knew he had been dating Katie, one of the popular pretty girls but before I could say anything the teacher walked in.
So I did what 7th graders do in school.. I wrote him a note and slipped it to him asking him if he was serious and what about Katie. He wrote back saying he was totally serious and that he and Katie had broken up. We were taking notes and so nothing more was said until the teacher left the classroom for some reason. That's when Andy turned to me and said "So what do you say?" I smiled at him and nodded saying "ok, " then the whole classroom burst out laughing along with Andy as he exclaimed " I can't believe you fell for it.. like I would go out with you." I was mortified, humiliated, but most of all hurt as I sat there in class as everyone laughed at me and what a stupid girl I was. It took everything in me but I didn't let them see me cry, I put my actress face on and acted like I had known it all along and I was just calling his bluff but of course word spread quickly and for the next few years until I moved away that became the joke... to ask me out and then laugh at how absurd a thought it was. I was so ashamed, so humiliated and I didn't tell anyone in my family about it because ... well shoot I felt so dumb that I could have actually thought some guy found me likeable.
So I held it all in my heart and I swore that I would NEVER let that happen to me again. I would NEVER let someone else make a fool of me like that and I didn't. I put myself on the defense because I had learned that I needed to protect myself. As the years went by if a guy expressed interest in me at all I laughed it off and told him I was already clued into that joke and then I pushed him away. I tried letting down my guard with a few guys who seemed very genuine and caring after high school with awful results that left me broken. I finally came to the point that I didn't want to let anyone close at all ever because every time I did the people that I let close would prove once again that I was not worthy to be loved and I would be thrown away like trash for someone better. My experience in my life has been that I am unlovable, now I understand that that might not be the case, but that is my experience and my reality. So I had built up a great wall around my heart and then I met Drew. He expressed interest in me but I pushed him away and kept him at arms length, but he didn't give up on me. I would let him as close as a friend but then he tried telling me he loved me and I flipped out. I told him I didn't believe in that word that there is no such thing as love there is only toleration and that was all he was allowed to say to me cause I was done with being lied to. He kept telling me he loved me, and I kept telling him no you don't you tolerate me, and yet he stayed in my life he didn't give up. For the first time in my whole life I started to believe in love, and I realized that I loved him. I kept expecting it to all crash again like it had before but it didn't and I came to trust him completely. I really and truly loved him with all my heart and I did all I could to make sure that he KNEW it in his heart cause I didn't want to just say it. It was wonderful, and amazing and worth every struggle and compromise to experience that kind of love and feel loved just as I was.
And then it all came crashing down in one less than one stupid hour as I accidentally find out he was seeing someone else. He came online that night and I confronted him, honestly hoping that there was a valid explanation for what I found... but he didn't deny it. That was our last talk.. it lasted maybe 5 minutes.. and in 5 minutes, 5 years of a relationship that meant the world to me and that was my future lay in shards at my feet. For the final time it has been proven to me in the most concrete way that I am unlovable, and I am working on being ok with that and on facing a future alone but I am struggling. I can see how it was a good thing, it is good that that door closed because he apparently didn't love me, that was all lies. So it is good that he is gone, and he found someone better and he is happy and as stupid as this is my love for him is glad he is happy. So I can see the plus side... but I am in so much pain. I can't talk to anyone about the pain and despair that is constantly sitting like a lead weight in my heart, they don't want to hear it, it makes them uncomfortable and brings them down and then they avoid me. If I speak about how it has made me feel, about how completely stupid I am to have let myself be made the fool of again, they get mad and tell me not to talk like that. I try focusing on the positive, there are positives I see that but the realization that I will never be anything special to anyone. Add into that having two of my closest friends throw me away like trash because I didn't say or do the right thing that they wanted from me has left me really struggling to stand strong. I just want to curl up and hide away, I don't want to go out in the world and open myself up to more hurt. I realize that I am only good for what people can get from me and when I mess up or can't give more then I am not worth their time. I realize that I am not the kind of girl that can be loved romantically and if someone tells me they love me it only means for now until they can find something better. I get that in this world we learn to completely focus on ourselves and other people are necessary collateral and I realize that that is what I am but it hurts. I try to treat people with kindness and love. I try to accept everyone in my life and give as much as I can so they know they are loved but it hurts. I hurt. My heart is past hurt, it is just numb. I hate what keeping all this inside of me is doing to me and to my heart. I am shutting down and becoming fake again but I don't want to make my friends and family uncomfortable they shouldn't have to deal with me so I will keep it inside and learn to cope like this. I will be ok, I do know that there is one person who loves me completely and will never let me go and lets me dump it all and that is God. I know He can handle the pain and the stuff I need to express and He will get me through but I am struggling and I just needed to get this out.
Not all men are like Drew, although I've run into my share of men like him in my life too. I had given up on finding a man who would love me for who I am, as I am. I was satisfied with being single and not having any friends after my best died (it's too hard to make friends and make them work). Then I met Mike through a personals ad I had forgotten I had online. We exchanged phone numbers, talked online and on the phone, found out we had a lot in common, and finally decided to meet in person. We ended up spending quite a bit of time together over the next couple of months and decided to get married (my first marriage, his 4th). I was 53 at the time, I'm 58 now and we've been married for 5 years now. I'm glad I gave him a chance to get to know me and that I took the time to get to know him. I still don't have any friends outside of family, and really, the only family I have anymore is my son and his family, my husband and his family (my parents are both gone now, and I don't have anything to do with my brother or his kids, we don't agree on anything). But I'm happy with the life I have now, and I've learned over the years that what other people think about me isn't nearly as important as what I think about me. Took me a long time to figure that out, but I'm well worth the effort.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, take care of yourself, value yourself, love yourself - you're worth it, and maybe one day you'll find someone who will value you in the same way :)
You are not unlovable. Every single human being on this planet is lovable. The thing is, we tie so much up in being loved by someone else, that we forget that the most important person we need to love us is ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI remember so keenly the pain of being betrayed by someone you care about and love. It feels like it will never be possible to be loved by anyone. It hurts so much that you feel like you're going to shatter at any minute. It feels like you want to curl up and just stop being. It feels like the world has lost all it's shine and colour, that everything is empty and broken.
That's not true though. With time, things change and the world becomes warm and colourful again, and you grow back into the broken parts.
Focus on you. YOU are the most important person in YOUR world. Take care of yourself, fill your live with the things you want to do and have NOW, don't wait for anyone else to come along to do it with.
But most of all, remember that everything you need in a person you have right there in yourself, have had it all along.
Take care and I'm here if you want to talk.
Thank you Vesta and SleepyDumpling, this whole thing threw me for a massive loop and I realized that I was beating myself up so badly because it put me right back into that 7th grade girls mind. I am glad it happened now before things had gone further and things would be even harder to deal with.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your words, they truly helped me crawl through all these weeds that sprouted back up. I am going to be just fine on my own, as you said Kath (I hope it is ok for me to call you that) I do have everything I need right here in me. I don't need anyone to make me anymore awesome, or give me any more worth than what I give myself.
Like you Vesta I am finding comfort and contentment in the thought of being single always, especially when friends and people expect me to meet all their needs (and get hostile when I can't) but then they disappear when I have needs. Honestly it completely exhausts me these days to try to socialize, and I am learning to love and honor the introvert that I am. I don't need to be the social butterfly and I don't need to have a bajillion friends, and trying to force myself to be a person who does isn't a good way to take care of myself. My first urge after this was to find someone else STAT.... then I realized I just don't need it and for now I want to get to know myself better so that I can better deal with setting boundaries and making my voice and needs known to my friends and family, something that I have a very hard time doing. My focus right now is to be truly authentic and apologetically me, rather than the fake people pleaser I learned how to be as I grew up. It is a whole new journey, and one that I am glad I was forced into!