As some of you know I am a full time student at the Art Institute working to get my Bachelors degree in web design and interactive media. This is me for the first time, pursuing and fulfilling my dreams. You didn't read this wrong I did say for the first time, there have been other times in my life where I started trying to pursue a dream, but then life would get in the way, but that is for a different post.
So right now I am starting a new term in my courses. A few days ago I was sent this terms schedule and as I checked out my classes I saw that one of the classes I am in is.... Nutrition.....oh ...yippee. Saying that that doesn't fill my heart with excitement would be an understatement and I think many of you know why. Right away I thought, the title nutrition probably hides a whole lot of diet and weight loss, calories in, calories out shtuff. Like seriously I am getting a bachelors degree for the work that I can do on the computer in my beloved graphic programs.... why the heck are you forcing me to take a junk class that has nothing to do with that? I hate my time being wasted, and it feels like I have been in school forever now the thought of wasting a term on that and prolonging my time in class tends to tick me off.
Well this weekend I got an introductory email from the professor, it said "We will learn a great deal information that will help you develop a positive nutritional plan for your future throughout the class. You will be able to use this information to benefit you as you continue your journey throughout your career and life." Uh huh....riiiiiight.
Speaking to my mom about it after she asked about my new schedule I shared how un-excited I was about it and how much of a waste of time it is made me just as annoyed. She acted as though she agreed with me, but then came the little statements that showed what she was really thinking. "Well it is always good to learn about good and bad foods, we all can use that", "Maybe you will learn some stuff that will help you get healthier", "you might find it inspires you to a different lifestyle",and "it is good to learn proper portion sizes." I tried telling her that I am healthy, I don't put morality onto foods, proper portion size is a relative thing, and my lifestyle right now keeps me healthy mentally, spiritually, and physically why should I change? To which the response was "well then it will be an easy A for you."
Yeah I am thinking not so much. Our first discussion questions is "Identify the most significant factors of the traditional Mediterranean and Asian diets in decreasing health risks (such as breast and lung cancers, lowered incidence of Type 2 diabetes). What effect on the traditional diet have urbanization and the influence of Americanism had on the average person in these cultures?" Ok yeah I could spout off what I know they are going to want to hear in this class, but I don't believe it to be true and right so saying it would be lying. If I speak the truth though, not only will I have to do 50 times the work to prove it to everyone else, and more importantly the professor, but I will still probably flunk because it won't be what the book says.
I truly am dreading this and don't know what to do. I really don't want my GPA dropping cause of stupid diet propaganda in academic clothing.
To make matters worse I just reviewed the first few days of the class assignments and found this lovely gem "For the next three weeks, you will be conducting a laboratory experiment to examine your diet. The food log assignment requires you to keep a detailed record of your eating patterns over a three-day period, analyze the information, and reflect on what you ate. This laboratory experiment will culminate in the writing of a 3-5 page paper [a formal lab report] incorporating all of the information you collected and noted areas for improvement."
GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAH Many dirty words!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is going to throw me right back into disordered thinking and hatred for myself. I HATED doing food logs every single time a new diet or nutritionist I would try or be sent to, would make me do it I am certainly NOT going to like it or get anything from it now. What the hell does this have to do with making me a better graphic designer, cause seriously all that crap kept me from this dream my whole life. I am so frustrated, I don't know how to handle this.
Showing posts with label Truth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Truth. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Bullying Damages Peoples Lives!
In my previous post I talked through some of my feelings regarding finding that the man I had been dedicated to for the past 5 years had been cheating on me. I shared how I was bullied as a young girl in school by people playing with my heart and feelings by pretending to be interested in me, and then finding it hilarious when I believed what they were saying. In that post I was beating myself up for once again playing the fool like I had back in then, all those feelings of being the stupid fool had come flooding back and I kept telling myself how dumb I was to believe someone could love me. Those are the same lies that I was taunted with back then, and here a good 25 some years later those messages are still very deeply ingrained in my mind. They were my "truth" as I was growing up and that "truth" effected my whole life and it is what I struggle with now as I work to replace those lies with actual truth.
I have been pondering all this lately after I finally realized where the anger at myself was coming from, and I will admit I have been simmering with a little bit of anger. No longer am I angry at myself I am angry at those kids who found it so hilarious to play with someone elses heart and lives. I am angry that they felt it was ok to treat me and others who didn't "measure up" as third class citizens who deserved to be treated like crap. I am angry at all those people who will sit back and say bullying is harmful and that kids will be kids. I am really angry at the ones who say that "you have to be cruel to be kind" and that talk about tough love and try so desperately to hide the fact that they are just mean concern trolls. A comment on one of the blogs I read in the past few weeks (I can't remember where so if it was you give me a heads up) has really stuck in my head. They were commenting about tough love and said if that is the way you love then go love someone else. That was huge for me, I thought oh that is so right on, they go on and on about tough love and having to be mean in order to "save" someone, but does anyone ask the victim if they asked to be "loved?" I dare to wager that the majority would gladly pass on that kind of love, and would be better off for doing so. I honestly don't care how good your intentions are, if the person you are pointing them at doesn't invite you to share them, then shut your mouth, cause you aren't an undercover superhero.
Another thing that has me angry is how the adults I tried talking to when I was being bullied would react or respond. Most of the time I was told "You just gotta ignore them, they are just trying to get a reaction out of you and if you don't react they will stop" then the other thing that would happen was I would be encouraged to go on a diet, lose weight, change myself. Here is the deal folks, when a person, especially a young kid is being victimized by a bully or bullies, it is so not cool to put the responsibility for stopping it onto the victims shoulders cause lemme tell ya, they have enough to shoulder. That is the #1 reason that I stopped speaking out about all the stuff I went through, because it always became my problem, I would have to change myself or my reactions, I was the one in the wrong, not the bully. It wasn't until my late twenties just a few years ago when I was in a group counseling session at a clinic I had gone to in California for eating disorders that I actually shared some of the stuff I went through. To me it was just my childhood, it was my normal, all I knew but my counselor looked at me seriously and said "Teresa that was ABUSE, you talk about it as though it was your fault and that is was ok but that was ABUSE and it is not ok that that happened to you and I am so very sorry you had to go through that." That was the very first time in my life that I ever heard someone 1)give it the name of abuse because that is what it was and 2) tell me that I didn't deserve it and 3) that they were so sorry that it had happened to me. The first time I had EVER heard any of that. It honestly shocked me and I started to disagree because I was still holding the feeling of responsibility for it, then I just went silent for the rest of the session. I didn't know how to process not just that what was my normal, was actually abuse, but I also struggled to process that it wasn't my fault and that someone said they were sorry... to me...for what I have gone through. That counselor still holds a very dear place in my heart, he opened my eyes in such a profound way and I can still hear his voice and see his face as he spoke those words.
SleepyDumpling wrote a post on Fat Heffalump the other day Bullies – You Don’t Get a Cookie for Feeling Bad that had me nodding my head in agreement the whole way through. I am so sick of bullies getting a pass for their abusive behavior, and the thought of people feeling bad for them because "oh they must have had such a hard life" yeah well life is tough for everyone and that doesn't give us license to abuse others because of it. We need to not only stop bullying, and teach our children that bullying is bad and wrong, we need to give real consequences to the bullies not the victims. We need to stick up for the victims of bullies abusive ways, and we need to teach our children to be NICE and how to treat people with RESPECT even if you might not like them for some reason. The best way to do this is to model it in our own lives, treat the people we run across in life with respect. Yeah ok it might be nice to tell kids that "it gets better" but in the case of being a fat person that isn't always true and sometimes when you grow up the adults can be even worse than the kids were. It doesn't always get better and that cliche annoys me because it rings so much of the responses that I got from the adults that should have been protecting me in order to brush me aside. It might not get better, it might get worse, but I have found in the fat acceptance community that even if it doesn't get better you can find people who will stand beside you and tell you that what has happened to you is not ok and that they are so very sorry. They also help you replace the lies the bullies and abusers throw at you with the truth and that helps you to get stronger and stand firm when it doesn't get better.
So what do you think of "tough love" and people that think that abuse and shame is a good way to help people? What do you think of the "It gets better"saying? What can adults do when a kid comes to them and tells them they are being bullied, how would you react?
I have been pondering all this lately after I finally realized where the anger at myself was coming from, and I will admit I have been simmering with a little bit of anger. No longer am I angry at myself I am angry at those kids who found it so hilarious to play with someone elses heart and lives. I am angry that they felt it was ok to treat me and others who didn't "measure up" as third class citizens who deserved to be treated like crap. I am angry at all those people who will sit back and say bullying is harmful and that kids will be kids. I am really angry at the ones who say that "you have to be cruel to be kind" and that talk about tough love and try so desperately to hide the fact that they are just mean concern trolls. A comment on one of the blogs I read in the past few weeks (I can't remember where so if it was you give me a heads up) has really stuck in my head. They were commenting about tough love and said if that is the way you love then go love someone else. That was huge for me, I thought oh that is so right on, they go on and on about tough love and having to be mean in order to "save" someone, but does anyone ask the victim if they asked to be "loved?" I dare to wager that the majority would gladly pass on that kind of love, and would be better off for doing so. I honestly don't care how good your intentions are, if the person you are pointing them at doesn't invite you to share them, then shut your mouth, cause you aren't an undercover superhero.
Another thing that has me angry is how the adults I tried talking to when I was being bullied would react or respond. Most of the time I was told "You just gotta ignore them, they are just trying to get a reaction out of you and if you don't react they will stop" then the other thing that would happen was I would be encouraged to go on a diet, lose weight, change myself. Here is the deal folks, when a person, especially a young kid is being victimized by a bully or bullies, it is so not cool to put the responsibility for stopping it onto the victims shoulders cause lemme tell ya, they have enough to shoulder. That is the #1 reason that I stopped speaking out about all the stuff I went through, because it always became my problem, I would have to change myself or my reactions, I was the one in the wrong, not the bully. It wasn't until my late twenties just a few years ago when I was in a group counseling session at a clinic I had gone to in California for eating disorders that I actually shared some of the stuff I went through. To me it was just my childhood, it was my normal, all I knew but my counselor looked at me seriously and said "Teresa that was ABUSE, you talk about it as though it was your fault and that is was ok but that was ABUSE and it is not ok that that happened to you and I am so very sorry you had to go through that." That was the very first time in my life that I ever heard someone 1)give it the name of abuse because that is what it was and 2) tell me that I didn't deserve it and 3) that they were so sorry that it had happened to me. The first time I had EVER heard any of that. It honestly shocked me and I started to disagree because I was still holding the feeling of responsibility for it, then I just went silent for the rest of the session. I didn't know how to process not just that what was my normal, was actually abuse, but I also struggled to process that it wasn't my fault and that someone said they were sorry... to me...for what I have gone through. That counselor still holds a very dear place in my heart, he opened my eyes in such a profound way and I can still hear his voice and see his face as he spoke those words.
SleepyDumpling wrote a post on Fat Heffalump the other day Bullies – You Don’t Get a Cookie for Feeling Bad that had me nodding my head in agreement the whole way through. I am so sick of bullies getting a pass for their abusive behavior, and the thought of people feeling bad for them because "oh they must have had such a hard life" yeah well life is tough for everyone and that doesn't give us license to abuse others because of it. We need to not only stop bullying, and teach our children that bullying is bad and wrong, we need to give real consequences to the bullies not the victims. We need to stick up for the victims of bullies abusive ways, and we need to teach our children to be NICE and how to treat people with RESPECT even if you might not like them for some reason. The best way to do this is to model it in our own lives, treat the people we run across in life with respect. Yeah ok it might be nice to tell kids that "it gets better" but in the case of being a fat person that isn't always true and sometimes when you grow up the adults can be even worse than the kids were. It doesn't always get better and that cliche annoys me because it rings so much of the responses that I got from the adults that should have been protecting me in order to brush me aside. It might not get better, it might get worse, but I have found in the fat acceptance community that even if it doesn't get better you can find people who will stand beside you and tell you that what has happened to you is not ok and that they are so very sorry. They also help you replace the lies the bullies and abusers throw at you with the truth and that helps you to get stronger and stand firm when it doesn't get better.
So what do you think of "tough love" and people that think that abuse and shame is a good way to help people? What do you think of the "It gets better"saying? What can adults do when a kid comes to them and tells them they are being bullied, how would you react?
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Quietness
So I have been rather quiet lately. That comes from a few different things, first off I just started a new term in school and so I am getting back into the swing of the new class schedule and recovering from last term lol.
Then I have been doing some active procrastination and avoidance because I am dealing with this awful feeling of being so mean for having to cut that friend who I really do care about out of my life. Don't get me wrong, I know that it had to be done. I just keep feeling so awful that it had to get to that length of blocking her number so she can't call or text me, and setting up my email so it bounces any emails she might send me, as well as blocking her on Facebook. It just seems so mean to me, however I do know that if I didn't she wouldn't respect my decision in this. She would keep trying to explain herself and get me to agree with her and if I didn't she would go back to treating me like some evil enemy and it would probably get even worse. I keep wanting to reverse everything but I know that if I take down those defenses things will get even worse. I feel at peace with how I left it, because I focused on the positive and really thanking her for what she had added to my life while she was in it, I didn't want to attack her and make her feel hated so I just left it at that. There is just this horrible feeling that I am so mean and heartless, but the damage was done and I really don't know how we could get back to a friendship level.
So that has been what I have been struggling with and I am sure I will work through it but it has just been making me get a bit more introverted this week. I do have a few posts in the works, but right now I just really wanted to share this video with everyone. It hits me so deeply because what she describes is a lot of what I went through on my journey to fat acceptance and how I feel. The first time I saw it I wanted so badly to post it on my Facebook wall because it just said so much, I love it so much and love that it includes images from Adipositivity. That site was one that really made me begin to see beauty when I looked into the mirror. I however have a lot of younger teens on my page, as well as people who are very conservative and I didn't want to offend or upset them so I haven't, but I need to post it here. I think it is just so well done and well said! So please enjoy!!!
Then I have been doing some active procrastination and avoidance because I am dealing with this awful feeling of being so mean for having to cut that friend who I really do care about out of my life. Don't get me wrong, I know that it had to be done. I just keep feeling so awful that it had to get to that length of blocking her number so she can't call or text me, and setting up my email so it bounces any emails she might send me, as well as blocking her on Facebook. It just seems so mean to me, however I do know that if I didn't she wouldn't respect my decision in this. She would keep trying to explain herself and get me to agree with her and if I didn't she would go back to treating me like some evil enemy and it would probably get even worse. I keep wanting to reverse everything but I know that if I take down those defenses things will get even worse. I feel at peace with how I left it, because I focused on the positive and really thanking her for what she had added to my life while she was in it, I didn't want to attack her and make her feel hated so I just left it at that. There is just this horrible feeling that I am so mean and heartless, but the damage was done and I really don't know how we could get back to a friendship level.
So that has been what I have been struggling with and I am sure I will work through it but it has just been making me get a bit more introverted this week. I do have a few posts in the works, but right now I just really wanted to share this video with everyone. It hits me so deeply because what she describes is a lot of what I went through on my journey to fat acceptance and how I feel. The first time I saw it I wanted so badly to post it on my Facebook wall because it just said so much, I love it so much and love that it includes images from Adipositivity. That site was one that really made me begin to see beauty when I looked into the mirror. I however have a lot of younger teens on my page, as well as people who are very conservative and I didn't want to offend or upset them so I haven't, but I need to post it here. I think it is just so well done and well said! So please enjoy!!!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
No faking!
Last night was one that will not be listed in my good memories. I had one of my closest and most trusted friends rip into me quite completely out of the blue and I have to admit that even now I am still wounded and stewing about it.
Now my friend is such a great person, she has a huge heart and is a total blessing, we became friends YEARS ago when I was in grade 6 then I moved away and we lost touch for a while until we connected again through Facebook a few years ago. I am grateful for that because she soon became someone that I could talk to about some of the most important things in my life and she would share with me the same. The years before we reconnected were some of the darkest and most awful ones in my life. I am now much more introverted, which is partially because of my depression, and partly because I learned the hard way not everyone can be trusted, and letting people close often results in being hurt. I am working on that because I know that we need people in our lives, it isn't healthy to push everyone away but it is a long process. Anyway she has become someone that I felt I could let be close and I really care about her which is why the fight hurt so much more.
So why did we fight? Well let me give you a little background on my friend, she is around my age in her early thirties, works as a personal care provider at a old folks home. She has the most adorable and charming house, and some really great friends. She struggles with ADD and some emotional issues from some abuse she was victim to by an extended family member, but her heart is incredible and huge. I really do love her as a sister/friend, and I see how she struggles with self esteem issues very much like I used too, in fact I see a lot of my old pre-FA self in her. Though she is far from fat in fact she often gets thought of as being anorexic and we totally relate because we each get awful treatment cause of the size of our bodies. The fight we had shone even more of a light onto just how low her self esteem is and that breaks my heart. See I used to be very desperate to get people to like me, and even more desperate to be in a romantic relationship in order to feel like I am wanted. That has gone away as I work on accepting myself but I see it in her so much.
My friend will declared very vocally that she is totally ok being single and has made the statement numerous times that she is taking a year off from guys so she can focus on what is really important and work through healing from the abuse she suffered. Then a few days later she is going on and on about some guy in her life, how perfect he is, to the point of it being obsessive. I have been there for her as she gets stuck on these guys, goes out of her way to make them a part of her life. She becomes what she thinks they want, she begins to get into whatever they are into and that will become her whole world. She started doing that not long after we had gotten back into contact about one of her friends. That is all she ever talked about she would text me for hours about him, what he said, everything and I thought it was awesome cause ok yay cool a crush. But after a few months of that, where the only thing I ever heard about was him it started to worry me because it wasn't healthy. She often invited him to do things and they really did form a good friendship and she got us connected on facebook. He is a cool guy and we would comment on each others posts a few times and everytime we would she would show up and post a comment right away or text me and interrogate me as though there was something more when there wasn't and so because I cherished her friendship I ended up removing him so she wouldn't keep getting upset.
She would continually deny that she liked him (although later admitted that she really did) and then told me that he had asked her if she liked him as more than a friend... and she said no, then after she finally admitted that she did like him I think he was too afraid to get rejected again and so has never pursued anything more. Anyway they ended up being good friends and still are to. Now since that boy, there have been several more, including an ex that came back into her life and things were so toxic with them that she ended up contemplating filing a restraining order on him. I was there for her through that hurt and pain and I saw what he did to her and was glad when she finally realized she needed to cut him out of her life.
After that came another infatuation with a guy lets call him Dan, and I was actually really excited for her. From what she was telling me he was just awesome, and seemed really great. Then she started planning their future together, she called him "My Dan" all the time and planned what their first date would be. Then as time went on I realized that they were basically just casual friends, but she had made it to be so much more in her mind, every friendly gesture she read way more into and I could see she was going to be hurt because he didn't feel the way she thought he did so I kind of held back my enthusiasm and encouraged her to give him a little space. She didn't though and she ended up flipping out at him because she read way more into the offer of a ride to a seminar they were going to and he was caught off guard and got upset when she over-reacted.
Anyway, now a week or two after that happened she found out that her ex boyfriend was getting out of a drug and alcohol treatment program that he had been in for six months. Somehow, I am not sure who first wrote, but this past week they had exchanged an email and all of a sudden the obsession with "Dan" was completely gone and she kept texting me about her ex. Talking about how he has changed and oh she is just certain that this is the one she is supposed to be with, that she really feels God leading them to be together. After seeing how much he hurt her I had a hard time getting overly excited. Well he graduated yesterday from the rehab program and she was so excited, posting everywhere about how this was the best day and so on. Then she texted me with how amazing the day was and that her ex is definitely actively pursuing her and she is going to let him and can't wait for the future. As her friend I couldn't get excited and happy because I see this ending up in her being hurt agian even more and I really truly worry because she has such a sweet heart and I don't want to see her get broken and bitter like I used to be. all I could respond with was "Oh sweetie please be careful" and she flipped out.
I got a text in response ripping into me saying that I always put the guys she is involved with down just because I have a boyfriend and I want to "have on up on her." WOW I can not tell you how completely blindsided I was and how much of a punch in the stomach it felt like to read that. I have said before on here I am NOT a competitive person at all I just don't think like that and I will be the first to concede defeat to try to end a competition and so that was just so insane to hear. The last thing I think about my friend is that I have one up on her in anything. So I wrote back, still quite shocked and said "ok I will shut up, you won't hear another word from me about it :)" and she replied with I wasn't mad just saying.
So I texted back, "okay yeah that really hurt me a lot, I thought I was in a friendship not a competition. I have NEVER thought or wanted to have one up on you I am not like that but if you want the truth you have so much more "up on me" than I can list so you win ok you totally win. Me having a boyfriend isn't some kind of trophy. I was just trying to be a good friend but you have set your boundary and I will respect it so I wish you a ton of happiness him him and that is the last I will say about it."
She replied telling me she wants a friend who just cheers her on no matter what or how they are feeling, that's what a friend should do and all I could answer with was "K" then she texted again and basically said that is what she does to me and if the situation was reversed she knows that is what I would want and then she said she was going to bed so I replied again with "K."
Thing is that is SO NOT what I would want, I spent way to much of my life being fake to try to please other people and it almost killed me. I want REAL friends, friends who will tell me the truth even if they know it isn't what I want to hear and it might hurt me. I have had way too many people hurt me because of lies and being fake, I can't handle that, I don't want to always be wondering what is truth or a lie. I also refuse to be a fake person and work daily to be real and genuine. Like I said I spent the majority of my life being fake, wearing masks depending on who I was with, and always having to hide the real me to try please people. It nearly killed me, I was anxious all the time, I hated myself and I certainly wasn't being a good friend or showing real love to the people I was friends with. Thing is if I didn't care it wouldn't be hard just to be fake and encourage her into something that will hurt her, but I love her and I can not do that in good conscience. She is one of the very few that I let close to me, who I consider cherished friends, and the fact that that is what she wants hurts the most to me.
I also find that the trust that I had given her has been broken, I wonder what has been truth and what was her just being fake and telling me what she thought I wanted to hear. I really want to repair this friendship and recover from this fight but it is so hard for me to trust in the first place and when someone breaks that trust I don't know how to repair it when the other person isn't willing to be truthful 100%, also if she wants a fake friend, I can't be that. In order to be that for her I would have to stop caring, kill the friendship love I have for her and not be me. If that is what she wants, then she doesn't want me... and if she can't be honest with me, I don't want that friendship. I have way too many people who HAVE to be in my life who are fake to keep more as friends.
My mom says the level of defensiveness she showed kind of proves that deep inside she knows I am right about these guys, but is so desperate for that status symbol of a relationship she is willing to deal with someone who will use her and hurt her. That breaks my heart, and it makes me sad that she views a relationship as some kind of accessory to make herself feel better when it involves another person with real feelings and people shouldn't be used to make you feel better or more complete. It also kills me that she is willing to throw away our friendship in the pursuit of getting a guy. The few people I have talked to about this that I trust to be real like my boyfriend and my dear friend Matticus have remarked that she doesn't seem like much of a friend. Part of me is thinking that too, and feels reluctant to even try salvage the friendship, but the other part sees how amazing she is and I really care about her and wants to do whatever I can to keep the friendship.
I just don't know and right now I am so hurt and angry I can't really make a decision. Do I walk away and chalk it up to a learning experience, or do I be the cheerleader friend she wants just to keep things okay?
Now my friend is such a great person, she has a huge heart and is a total blessing, we became friends YEARS ago when I was in grade 6 then I moved away and we lost touch for a while until we connected again through Facebook a few years ago. I am grateful for that because she soon became someone that I could talk to about some of the most important things in my life and she would share with me the same. The years before we reconnected were some of the darkest and most awful ones in my life. I am now much more introverted, which is partially because of my depression, and partly because I learned the hard way not everyone can be trusted, and letting people close often results in being hurt. I am working on that because I know that we need people in our lives, it isn't healthy to push everyone away but it is a long process. Anyway she has become someone that I felt I could let be close and I really care about her which is why the fight hurt so much more.
So why did we fight? Well let me give you a little background on my friend, she is around my age in her early thirties, works as a personal care provider at a old folks home. She has the most adorable and charming house, and some really great friends. She struggles with ADD and some emotional issues from some abuse she was victim to by an extended family member, but her heart is incredible and huge. I really do love her as a sister/friend, and I see how she struggles with self esteem issues very much like I used too, in fact I see a lot of my old pre-FA self in her. Though she is far from fat in fact she often gets thought of as being anorexic and we totally relate because we each get awful treatment cause of the size of our bodies. The fight we had shone even more of a light onto just how low her self esteem is and that breaks my heart. See I used to be very desperate to get people to like me, and even more desperate to be in a romantic relationship in order to feel like I am wanted. That has gone away as I work on accepting myself but I see it in her so much.
My friend will declared very vocally that she is totally ok being single and has made the statement numerous times that she is taking a year off from guys so she can focus on what is really important and work through healing from the abuse she suffered. Then a few days later she is going on and on about some guy in her life, how perfect he is, to the point of it being obsessive. I have been there for her as she gets stuck on these guys, goes out of her way to make them a part of her life. She becomes what she thinks they want, she begins to get into whatever they are into and that will become her whole world. She started doing that not long after we had gotten back into contact about one of her friends. That is all she ever talked about she would text me for hours about him, what he said, everything and I thought it was awesome cause ok yay cool a crush. But after a few months of that, where the only thing I ever heard about was him it started to worry me because it wasn't healthy. She often invited him to do things and they really did form a good friendship and she got us connected on facebook. He is a cool guy and we would comment on each others posts a few times and everytime we would she would show up and post a comment right away or text me and interrogate me as though there was something more when there wasn't and so because I cherished her friendship I ended up removing him so she wouldn't keep getting upset.
She would continually deny that she liked him (although later admitted that she really did) and then told me that he had asked her if she liked him as more than a friend... and she said no, then after she finally admitted that she did like him I think he was too afraid to get rejected again and so has never pursued anything more. Anyway they ended up being good friends and still are to. Now since that boy, there have been several more, including an ex that came back into her life and things were so toxic with them that she ended up contemplating filing a restraining order on him. I was there for her through that hurt and pain and I saw what he did to her and was glad when she finally realized she needed to cut him out of her life.
After that came another infatuation with a guy lets call him Dan, and I was actually really excited for her. From what she was telling me he was just awesome, and seemed really great. Then she started planning their future together, she called him "My Dan" all the time and planned what their first date would be. Then as time went on I realized that they were basically just casual friends, but she had made it to be so much more in her mind, every friendly gesture she read way more into and I could see she was going to be hurt because he didn't feel the way she thought he did so I kind of held back my enthusiasm and encouraged her to give him a little space. She didn't though and she ended up flipping out at him because she read way more into the offer of a ride to a seminar they were going to and he was caught off guard and got upset when she over-reacted.
Anyway, now a week or two after that happened she found out that her ex boyfriend was getting out of a drug and alcohol treatment program that he had been in for six months. Somehow, I am not sure who first wrote, but this past week they had exchanged an email and all of a sudden the obsession with "Dan" was completely gone and she kept texting me about her ex. Talking about how he has changed and oh she is just certain that this is the one she is supposed to be with, that she really feels God leading them to be together. After seeing how much he hurt her I had a hard time getting overly excited. Well he graduated yesterday from the rehab program and she was so excited, posting everywhere about how this was the best day and so on. Then she texted me with how amazing the day was and that her ex is definitely actively pursuing her and she is going to let him and can't wait for the future. As her friend I couldn't get excited and happy because I see this ending up in her being hurt agian even more and I really truly worry because she has such a sweet heart and I don't want to see her get broken and bitter like I used to be. all I could respond with was "Oh sweetie please be careful" and she flipped out.
I got a text in response ripping into me saying that I always put the guys she is involved with down just because I have a boyfriend and I want to "have on up on her." WOW I can not tell you how completely blindsided I was and how much of a punch in the stomach it felt like to read that. I have said before on here I am NOT a competitive person at all I just don't think like that and I will be the first to concede defeat to try to end a competition and so that was just so insane to hear. The last thing I think about my friend is that I have one up on her in anything. So I wrote back, still quite shocked and said "ok I will shut up, you won't hear another word from me about it :)" and she replied with I wasn't mad just saying.
So I texted back, "okay yeah that really hurt me a lot, I thought I was in a friendship not a competition. I have NEVER thought or wanted to have one up on you I am not like that but if you want the truth you have so much more "up on me" than I can list so you win ok you totally win. Me having a boyfriend isn't some kind of trophy. I was just trying to be a good friend but you have set your boundary and I will respect it so I wish you a ton of happiness him him and that is the last I will say about it."
She replied telling me she wants a friend who just cheers her on no matter what or how they are feeling, that's what a friend should do and all I could answer with was "K" then she texted again and basically said that is what she does to me and if the situation was reversed she knows that is what I would want and then she said she was going to bed so I replied again with "K."
Thing is that is SO NOT what I would want, I spent way to much of my life being fake to try to please other people and it almost killed me. I want REAL friends, friends who will tell me the truth even if they know it isn't what I want to hear and it might hurt me. I have had way too many people hurt me because of lies and being fake, I can't handle that, I don't want to always be wondering what is truth or a lie. I also refuse to be a fake person and work daily to be real and genuine. Like I said I spent the majority of my life being fake, wearing masks depending on who I was with, and always having to hide the real me to try please people. It nearly killed me, I was anxious all the time, I hated myself and I certainly wasn't being a good friend or showing real love to the people I was friends with. Thing is if I didn't care it wouldn't be hard just to be fake and encourage her into something that will hurt her, but I love her and I can not do that in good conscience. She is one of the very few that I let close to me, who I consider cherished friends, and the fact that that is what she wants hurts the most to me.
I also find that the trust that I had given her has been broken, I wonder what has been truth and what was her just being fake and telling me what she thought I wanted to hear. I really want to repair this friendship and recover from this fight but it is so hard for me to trust in the first place and when someone breaks that trust I don't know how to repair it when the other person isn't willing to be truthful 100%, also if she wants a fake friend, I can't be that. In order to be that for her I would have to stop caring, kill the friendship love I have for her and not be me. If that is what she wants, then she doesn't want me... and if she can't be honest with me, I don't want that friendship. I have way too many people who HAVE to be in my life who are fake to keep more as friends.
My mom says the level of defensiveness she showed kind of proves that deep inside she knows I am right about these guys, but is so desperate for that status symbol of a relationship she is willing to deal with someone who will use her and hurt her. That breaks my heart, and it makes me sad that she views a relationship as some kind of accessory to make herself feel better when it involves another person with real feelings and people shouldn't be used to make you feel better or more complete. It also kills me that she is willing to throw away our friendship in the pursuit of getting a guy. The few people I have talked to about this that I trust to be real like my boyfriend and my dear friend Matticus have remarked that she doesn't seem like much of a friend. Part of me is thinking that too, and feels reluctant to even try salvage the friendship, but the other part sees how amazing she is and I really care about her and wants to do whatever I can to keep the friendship.
I just don't know and right now I am so hurt and angry I can't really make a decision. Do I walk away and chalk it up to a learning experience, or do I be the cheerleader friend she wants just to keep things okay?
Monday, October 10, 2011
No, you feel pregnant,... not fat ...there is a difference!.
A few days ago I was reading a lifehacker blog post about 10 food myths that just won't die. It was a pretty cool post and many of the myths or lies they talked about were diet related that people speak as gospel. Well that post has now been deleted but there was a comment on there that always manages to get me angry.
It was a comment from a lady who was going on about how the post was so wrong regarding a few of the myths and how posts like that one are going to make people so unhealthy. She ended the post with something along the lines of "when I was pregnant I gained twenty pounds and I know what it is like to be fat. I was so miserable, you can't be fat and happy and this post is doing no one any favors."
Y'all I can not tell you how many times I have heard otherwise skinny or normal weight people say that since they have been pregnant they know exactly what it is like to be fat. Ok, umm.....
NO YOU DON'T!!
Seriously it drives me absolutely nuts when I hear this, and I hear it often. People who have never experienced really being fat getting pregnant and then going on and on about how fat they feel. They talk about how hard it is to find clothes, tie their shoes, and so on. I hear them whining about it on Facebook and have had friends and family members go on and on about it to me, some even remarking how now they understand what I go through and oh my goodness how can you stand it?
So ok, let me just say this, you being pregnant does not induct you to the fat sorority. You have no clue how it feels being fat because you are pregnant and that is so not the same thing. Please let me tell you why;
First off, my fat is soft , squishy and somewhat mold-able because it is full of adipose tissue (fat), your pregnant belly is growing a human, it is hard and really resistant to changing it's shape. So when you find it hard to get out of a chair because your stomach does not move like my fat one does, there is a child in there. When I go to stand up, sure I may not do it as gracefully as others but my stomach squeezes and moves so that it is a whole different experience for me. You don't know what that is like, your experience is not mine, you are pregnant not fat.
Secondly, when you are pregnant you gain weight rapidly because once again there is a child growing inside you and it needs room and your body is holding onto more weight. My fat has taken years, decades, and many failed diets to grow on my body. I have been able to slowly adapt and function with it, it is a part of me. You go on and on about how you can't even walk upstairs without getting tired, how you can't walk like you did before, and about how out of energy you are all the time. You are not used to carrying around that weight and so of course it is going to feel drastically different, but here is a news flash... it is not always the same way for fat people. Your hormones are going wild and your body is busy growing life, that will drain energy pretty quickly. Once again, for fatties like me that is not the case, we are used to our bodies and we have adapted to how it moves and works. If we are low on energy it is not the same kind of feeling or reason. You are pregnant and your body is doing something amazing but you are not fat so thinking that all fat people feel the same as you is just ignorant.
One of the biggest things though, is you are pregnant, and people love and adore pregnant women. They often held up as special and wonderful, people see a pregnant woman and they congratulate you. They get excited and happy and see you as beautiful. You do not get the vast quantities of hatred and stereotyping that a fat person does every day. People see a fat person and they are often disgusted, full of assumptions and fear. Your pregnant body is celebrated, the fashion industry feels it is important to give you cute trendy clothes. You do not hear the constant stream of veiled death threats simply because of the shape of your body do you? Have you ever heard 'you are pregnant, you are going to die,' or 'don't you know that you will get a ton of fatal diseases by being pregnant?' You don't see people posting comments on a picture of another pregnant person talking about how they just want to beat-up or kill anyone who is pregnant. I however do see those things, often, daily and more than you can and every will truly be able to fathom, to the point that the world can seem like a very hostile place.
So please, the next time you are tempted to commiserate with a fat person because you are, or were, pregnant at one time, well just don't. You being pregnant does not give you the right or place to talk about what it is like to be fat, cause girl you have no clue. You may be miserable in your changing body but that doesn't mean that all fat people are miserable too, so stop talking for us.
The same goes for all those people who put on fat suits and then say they know just what it is like to be fat. You are hot because you have a huge fat suit on, my fat body however does a good job of regulating my temperature and it feels nothing like being in a huge padded costume. Maybe I am the only fat person who gets completely annoyed by this but I dare say I am not. Are you bothered by this like I am? What would you say to a pregnant lady who is going on and on about how hard it is now that she is "fat?"
It was a comment from a lady who was going on about how the post was so wrong regarding a few of the myths and how posts like that one are going to make people so unhealthy. She ended the post with something along the lines of "when I was pregnant I gained twenty pounds and I know what it is like to be fat. I was so miserable, you can't be fat and happy and this post is doing no one any favors."
Y'all I can not tell you how many times I have heard otherwise skinny or normal weight people say that since they have been pregnant they know exactly what it is like to be fat. Ok, umm.....
NO YOU DON'T!!
Seriously it drives me absolutely nuts when I hear this, and I hear it often. People who have never experienced really being fat getting pregnant and then going on and on about how fat they feel. They talk about how hard it is to find clothes, tie their shoes, and so on. I hear them whining about it on Facebook and have had friends and family members go on and on about it to me, some even remarking how now they understand what I go through and oh my goodness how can you stand it?
So ok, let me just say this, you being pregnant does not induct you to the fat sorority. You have no clue how it feels being fat because you are pregnant and that is so not the same thing. Please let me tell you why;
First off, my fat is soft , squishy and somewhat mold-able because it is full of adipose tissue (fat), your pregnant belly is growing a human, it is hard and really resistant to changing it's shape. So when you find it hard to get out of a chair because your stomach does not move like my fat one does, there is a child in there. When I go to stand up, sure I may not do it as gracefully as others but my stomach squeezes and moves so that it is a whole different experience for me. You don't know what that is like, your experience is not mine, you are pregnant not fat.
Secondly, when you are pregnant you gain weight rapidly because once again there is a child growing inside you and it needs room and your body is holding onto more weight. My fat has taken years, decades, and many failed diets to grow on my body. I have been able to slowly adapt and function with it, it is a part of me. You go on and on about how you can't even walk upstairs without getting tired, how you can't walk like you did before, and about how out of energy you are all the time. You are not used to carrying around that weight and so of course it is going to feel drastically different, but here is a news flash... it is not always the same way for fat people. Your hormones are going wild and your body is busy growing life, that will drain energy pretty quickly. Once again, for fatties like me that is not the case, we are used to our bodies and we have adapted to how it moves and works. If we are low on energy it is not the same kind of feeling or reason. You are pregnant and your body is doing something amazing but you are not fat so thinking that all fat people feel the same as you is just ignorant.
One of the biggest things though, is you are pregnant, and people love and adore pregnant women. They often held up as special and wonderful, people see a pregnant woman and they congratulate you. They get excited and happy and see you as beautiful. You do not get the vast quantities of hatred and stereotyping that a fat person does every day. People see a fat person and they are often disgusted, full of assumptions and fear. Your pregnant body is celebrated, the fashion industry feels it is important to give you cute trendy clothes. You do not hear the constant stream of veiled death threats simply because of the shape of your body do you? Have you ever heard 'you are pregnant, you are going to die,' or 'don't you know that you will get a ton of fatal diseases by being pregnant?' You don't see people posting comments on a picture of another pregnant person talking about how they just want to beat-up or kill anyone who is pregnant. I however do see those things, often, daily and more than you can and every will truly be able to fathom, to the point that the world can seem like a very hostile place.
So please, the next time you are tempted to commiserate with a fat person because you are, or were, pregnant at one time, well just don't. You being pregnant does not give you the right or place to talk about what it is like to be fat, cause girl you have no clue. You may be miserable in your changing body but that doesn't mean that all fat people are miserable too, so stop talking for us.
The same goes for all those people who put on fat suits and then say they know just what it is like to be fat. You are hot because you have a huge fat suit on, my fat body however does a good job of regulating my temperature and it feels nothing like being in a huge padded costume. Maybe I am the only fat person who gets completely annoyed by this but I dare say I am not. Are you bothered by this like I am? What would you say to a pregnant lady who is going on and on about how hard it is now that she is "fat?"
Sunday, October 2, 2011
I could be angry, instead I just feel a lot of pity. ~ When Trolls 'Attack'
A little while ago I joined a group called Super Sizes, started by Sleepy Dumpling, on Facebook, it is for those of us who are tired of having such a limited selection of clothes to choose from. a place where we can share the places we have found that do a good job and have a pretty good selection. It is nice to have people who understand the frustrations I face because they deal with them too, it is a great group.
Now today I found a message in the "other" section of my Facebook message box that had been sent to me on Aug 31st but being that I rarely get messages from people who aren't on my friends list I always forget to check it. Today as I was sewing a long black skirt with my mom, who had just gotten a phone call from my sister, I took that time to peruse Facebook a little. I was sending a message to a friend of mine and then checked out my other section and found the following message.
Now today I found a message in the "other" section of my Facebook message box that had been sent to me on Aug 31st but being that I rarely get messages from people who aren't on my friends list I always forget to check it. Today as I was sewing a long black skirt with my mom, who had just gotten a phone call from my sister, I took that time to peruse Facebook a little. I was sending a message to a friend of mine and then checked out my other section and found the following message.
At first I was a little taken aback because I hadn't looked closely at the name or the picture and so I thought it was from a friend of mine. Once I saw that it was from a completely random stranger I will admit I was angry and hurt, cause shoot that kind of stuff is just uncalled for if you are a decent human being. I also got a little frustrated because I mentioned it to my parents and they were just silent, and that annoyed me cause you know what I stand up for the people I love when they are dealing with dimwits.
I didn't respond right away however, because I had much better things to do (finishing my awesome skirt) and I wasn't going to let ignorance de-rail my fun. So I finished the skirt (it rocks) and went downstairs and finished my homework that I needed to hand in. While I was working on the coding for my programming class I found myself mulling over the message.
At first I was still really mad and my brain ran through all the insults and stereo-typical assumptions I could throw at this person just from their picture and actions, and let me tell you I could have thought of a lot. I realized though that that would truly make me no better, I try to work to get people to realize that stereotyping someone because of their looks or first impression is not cool and shouldn't be done, so me doing that even if I was hurt wouldn't be cool. You can't argue or fight a person into agreeing with you, but I find you CAN set a good example, and what that person does with it is their responsibility.
So I stopped thinking about how I could hurt this person back like they had hurt me and started thinking about what would make a person do something so pathetic as to message random people to insult them. Now all I can possibly feel is pity, cause when you take out the hurt feelings, you have to be a pretty sad person with a sad life to find some fulfillment in that kind of stuff. It just says so much more about the person sending those messages than it ever does of the person they are putting down. So I went with this feeling of pity to try to respond to the message and found myself wanting to know what is so bad, so fulfilling, and so shallow about this persons life that they would do this. What I found was a display picture taken from a porn type site about "jailbait", showing a girl in a tiny bikini on a beach (I love this firefox add-on), who has liked numerous other "plus-sized" groups on Facebook and I can imagine is doing the same to others.
That is just so pathetic, here you have someone attacking and hurting other people who have never ever done anything to them except be themselves. Thinking that they have done it to someone else who might not be where I am in my journey to self acceptance, who could actually be truly hurt and affected by the message they read. Well that gets me upset cause they are damaging that person's heart and soul for their own enterainment and that just shows what a small insignificant person this "Christie Clements" must be. Now I know people like this christie find such safety in the anonymity of the internet and I am not willing to help her hide her inner ugliness by just staying quiet about it rather I plan on contacting the employer that she mentions on her Facebook wall to let them know one of their employees is harassing random people, and using a picture from a "jailbait" site as their display picture. I will also post the public information that s/he has provided on Facebook here so that it can be located should an prospective employee along with this blog post so they can the real activities of the person they might be thinking of hiring. Maybe that will make her think twice before she hurts other people. Then I will forget about her and her sad existence and enjoy my wonderful friends and look towards much more worthwhile things
Thursday, September 29, 2011
You just can't escape the fat hate.
So I joined Pinterest a few days ago and I have really been enjoying it. For those of you who haven't heard of it yet Pinterest is a social networking site that works by pinning images onto "boards" which is basically just a group of similar pins that share the same topic or idea. Once you have "pinned" something to a board it attaches a picture or video along with a little comment or description of the thing you pinned and if you click on it it will bring you back to that page. Some of the main categories are home, recipes, crafts, fashion, and so forth. It is a quick visual way to group things that you see while surfing the internet and being that I am a very visual person it works well for me. I also like being able to follow my friends and family who are also on Pinterest and see things that they post. I have found that my second oldest sister and I actually have a bit in common in regards to what we like and that is a neat thing to know.
Anyway I have really been enjoying it but last night I got quite frustrated with a common theme that was popping up as I was browsing other people pins. That theme was fat hate, thinspiration, body snarking, or diet propaganda and all that jazz. Now I am not surprised at all to see it there, what did surprise and hurt me the most is who I saw it from. Seeing those pins from people I love and care about, and whom I am close to, hurt a lot and made me wonder if that is how they also see me. Seeing or hearing how awful fat is, how badly they want to get rid of it, and how much they despise or fear it, from close friends or relatives in my life made me start wondering about our relationship. If they feel that way about fat how can they separate that from me when I AM a fat woman. It really made me think and examine some of my relationships.
Now while that was a sad thing to see and ponder I have to say it was also nice to see fat/size positive pins from people, pins about HAES and speaking up against the fat hate. We need more of that to keep popping up and I truly believe that the more people see and become familiar with the fat positive message the easier it will become to help show what we are all about. I think that every little post, pin, or other kind with a fat/size acceptance kind of message helps to plants seeds in people that will get them to find out more or be more open to hearing about it in the future. So while it is true you really can't escape all those negative messages unless you sequestered yourself into a padded room, I think we can all fight back against those messages by sprinkling positive ones where-ever we can.
Do any of you have pinterest accounts? What do you think about it? What kinds of things, or methods could we do to spread a positive message about size and fat? I would love to begin to pin as much FA/HAES and body positivity messages as I can so if you know of something that would make a great thing to pin along those lines please leave a link here.They may seem like little drops in the sea of fate hate we face, but I think they can make a difference.
Anyway I have really been enjoying it but last night I got quite frustrated with a common theme that was popping up as I was browsing other people pins. That theme was fat hate, thinspiration, body snarking, or diet propaganda and all that jazz. Now I am not surprised at all to see it there, what did surprise and hurt me the most is who I saw it from. Seeing those pins from people I love and care about, and whom I am close to, hurt a lot and made me wonder if that is how they also see me. Seeing or hearing how awful fat is, how badly they want to get rid of it, and how much they despise or fear it, from close friends or relatives in my life made me start wondering about our relationship. If they feel that way about fat how can they separate that from me when I AM a fat woman. It really made me think and examine some of my relationships.
Now while that was a sad thing to see and ponder I have to say it was also nice to see fat/size positive pins from people, pins about HAES and speaking up against the fat hate. We need more of that to keep popping up and I truly believe that the more people see and become familiar with the fat positive message the easier it will become to help show what we are all about. I think that every little post, pin, or other kind with a fat/size acceptance kind of message helps to plants seeds in people that will get them to find out more or be more open to hearing about it in the future. So while it is true you really can't escape all those negative messages unless you sequestered yourself into a padded room, I think we can all fight back against those messages by sprinkling positive ones where-ever we can.
Do any of you have pinterest accounts? What do you think about it? What kinds of things, or methods could we do to spread a positive message about size and fat? I would love to begin to pin as much FA/HAES and body positivity messages as I can so if you know of something that would make a great thing to pin along those lines please leave a link here.They may seem like little drops in the sea of fate hate we face, but I think they can make a difference.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Please allow me to introduce myself
Wow, I started this blog a long time ago, back when I was 28-29 and honestly a completely different person than I am today. I really haven't done a good job with posting here and I was finally able to pinpoint a few reasons why that is.
First off I started Scattered Marbles at a time in my life where I was basically living two separate lives, my real-life one and my online one. I was struggling with so much inner stuff that I found impossible to show to those people in my real life, but I felt a safety and security from the online format that allowed me to let that out more. I was hiding secrets, and feelings, in real life that were slowly killing me and putting my into a very dark place. I hated having to hide that part of myself to the people whose acceptance mattered most but the fear of them seeing who I really was and deciding I wasn't worth their time was too much. So I started this blog as a way to get that all out and yet was so worried that someone would find it and figure out it was me that I would procrastinate writing about the things on my heart. I hated having to be fake to people and so that held me back.
Secondly I was so worried of doing it wrong. I would start to write about something that I just needed to talk about and then found myself reluctant to publish things or expressing my genuine feelings for fear of offending someone in the fatosphere that I looked up to, and/or getting hated for thoughts that might go against the norm that I would just give up and neglect posting. Now I know, that being able to get out what I am dealing with, thinking about, learning, and going through will be a big help for me, and hopefully help someone else as well. I am done with hiding parts of who I am and have decided that it is time to be genuinely me, and learn to accept and love both the good and bad and everything in between. So please allow me to re-introduce myself...
Hi! I am Teresa, a 33 year old fat woman. I am a full-time student pursuing my bachelors degree in web design and interactive media and a part time freelancing graphic designer. I have spent the majority of my life hating myself and my body and pursuing the "fantasy of being thin" (go read it!) and living my life as an apology for just existing. I live with depression, agoraphobia, and severe self-esteem issues, and I am learning to accept and cope with them.
I have been a missionary kid (MK), teachers kid (TK), and now I am a pastors kid (PK). I have a relationship with Jesus that means to world to me and I am constantly wanting to grow and learn more about Him. I try everyday to live my Christianity as a relationship with my savior and not a religion. I love being creative, and am enamored with color. That love of color has spurned quite a large nail polish, and makeup collection which is fun for me. I love laughing and being silly and am learning to find joy in both the ups and downs of life.
I am not perfect, far from it, but God is working on me everyday and I am starting to like myself. I hope that I can find more strength and healing by sharing who I am with people and no longer hiding things I think will drive people away. I think it is so important to let our voices be heard, and mine will be talking about fat acceptance and HAES, what it is like living with depression, what God is showing me everyday, and any other thing that pops into my head.
I welcome you all to read, comment, and join me in this blogging journey but just remember respect is vital here and as long as we respect each other I think we will get a long ok! I have deleted all the previous posts save for a few that I still loved and wanted to hang onto but as for now this is a new slate to fill.
First off I started Scattered Marbles at a time in my life where I was basically living two separate lives, my real-life one and my online one. I was struggling with so much inner stuff that I found impossible to show to those people in my real life, but I felt a safety and security from the online format that allowed me to let that out more. I was hiding secrets, and feelings, in real life that were slowly killing me and putting my into a very dark place. I hated having to hide that part of myself to the people whose acceptance mattered most but the fear of them seeing who I really was and deciding I wasn't worth their time was too much. So I started this blog as a way to get that all out and yet was so worried that someone would find it and figure out it was me that I would procrastinate writing about the things on my heart. I hated having to be fake to people and so that held me back.
Secondly I was so worried of doing it wrong. I would start to write about something that I just needed to talk about and then found myself reluctant to publish things or expressing my genuine feelings for fear of offending someone in the fatosphere that I looked up to, and/or getting hated for thoughts that might go against the norm that I would just give up and neglect posting. Now I know, that being able to get out what I am dealing with, thinking about, learning, and going through will be a big help for me, and hopefully help someone else as well. I am done with hiding parts of who I am and have decided that it is time to be genuinely me, and learn to accept and love both the good and bad and everything in between. So please allow me to re-introduce myself...
Hi! I am Teresa, a 33 year old fat woman. I am a full-time student pursuing my bachelors degree in web design and interactive media and a part time freelancing graphic designer. I have spent the majority of my life hating myself and my body and pursuing the "fantasy of being thin" (go read it!) and living my life as an apology for just existing. I live with depression, agoraphobia, and severe self-esteem issues, and I am learning to accept and cope with them.I have been a missionary kid (MK), teachers kid (TK), and now I am a pastors kid (PK). I have a relationship with Jesus that means to world to me and I am constantly wanting to grow and learn more about Him. I try everyday to live my Christianity as a relationship with my savior and not a religion. I love being creative, and am enamored with color. That love of color has spurned quite a large nail polish, and makeup collection which is fun for me. I love laughing and being silly and am learning to find joy in both the ups and downs of life.
I am not perfect, far from it, but God is working on me everyday and I am starting to like myself. I hope that I can find more strength and healing by sharing who I am with people and no longer hiding things I think will drive people away. I think it is so important to let our voices be heard, and mine will be talking about fat acceptance and HAES, what it is like living with depression, what God is showing me everyday, and any other thing that pops into my head.
I welcome you all to read, comment, and join me in this blogging journey but just remember respect is vital here and as long as we respect each other I think we will get a long ok! I have deleted all the previous posts save for a few that I still loved and wanted to hang onto but as for now this is a new slate to fill.
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