I am still a liar

~*~ Possible Trigger Warning ~*~

I wrote previously that I was starting a "nutrition" class and that I really wasn't looking forward to it. I was going over the syllabus and reading all that it would entail like keeping a food log, analyzing everything about it, writing papers about stuff I truly believe to be lies like the whole calories in/calories out, and acting like I have clients I am supposed to be advising about their diet. I still can't quite figure out what in the world that has to do with being a graphic designer, let me tell you if I start giving any of my clients diet advice I would actually WANT them to drop kick me in the neck. I hated the thought of it all but I thought ok I will put my brain in neutral and just blab what I know they want to hear and just make it through this, it will be ok.

It has not been ok, it is not ok! I have been doing my absolute best to fight through this course and I have been really working to get SOMETHING from it. As of yet nothing positive has come from it. First off we had to give all our stats like weight, height, yadda, yadda to our teacher. Then we had to do the stinking food log and as much as it sent me on a very bad path I tracked every stinkin thing I put into my mouth and I put it all together in a report also telling a bit about my eating disordered past and how hard this was. My professor reviewed it and lectured me starting with the whole I should be eating breakfast it is the most important meal of the day crap, even though I explained that I do not feel hungry for a few hours or more after I wake up and the thought of food makes me feel ill. It is only when waiting til I am hungry to eat that I avoid feeling really badly and ok yes that means for the first half of the day I don't eat  though I do drink water and such. So ok I got that lecture, and then he had to throw in that the point of the exercise was to track EVERYTHING I ate and that I couldn't have been doing that because there is no way that I could eat like that normally and maintain the weight I am right now.  Ummmmmm!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  UMMMMMM?!?!?!?! I actually literally screamed in anger, this is the exact same crap that I have dealt with numerous times before, of course me the little fatty must definitely be lying. Cause fatties lie about what they eat right?

Ok since I started on my journey in fat acceptance,  I haven't HAD to lie about my food because I have been eating intuitively and given myself no judgments on it. I really didn't even know what to say in response, I was too annoyed to try to  explain and honestly I didn't owe an explanation I had told the absolute truth so whatever. So all I ended up writing back was I am sorry that you feel that way but you really will need to ask God about that because I kept an accurate food log and this is the exact way that I have been eating for the past few years and my weight has remained the exact same and I didn't know what to tell him.

Anyway so in between dodging all the veiled bigotry and outright stupidity in this with people constantly bringing up "the poor obese children something must be done!" I am back into disordered life again and it is slowly wearing on me. I now have to lie when I do my assignments just so that I don't totally fudge up my GPA. I get to deal with really stupid comments spoken like fact, and when I show medical study after medical study to prove otherwise they are still unwilling to listen. Like for instant I had to write up a diet plan for a "client" going through chemo-therapy and the response I got was to tell me that I should have used the weight and height to calculate the BMI so that I could know how many calories to keep the diet between and for people over whatever BMI they deem dangerous I should "handle" that issue.  I was just like excuse me?!? You really think someone who is going through chemotherapy where they are actually killing off your body cells in an attempt to eradicate the cancer, something that causes massive issues in the body not to mention making you sick the LAST thing you need to have your client focusing on is their weight much less having them try to lose weight. I responded with that point, that the focus is to get enough food into the client to keep their energy up enough and help their body heal not to worry about a certain vanity weight, and then I posted links to articles and posts talking about how bogus the BMI really is.  Ugh, the ignorance, it burns!!

Anyway so dealing with all that has gotten me back to a place where I start to obsess over what I should or shouldn't be eating, getting back into that whole awful shame spiral. For the first time in at least 3 years I have eaten past my satisfied comfortably full point at least 4 time... FOUR TIMES!! I hate it. Things that I have been able to cope with quite well with intuitive eating have started becoming a problem again like insomnia, thoughts of self hate, feelings of being undeserving of anything good and worst of all struggles with depression popping up again because of all this. I try to share that frustration with family or friends but they all still believe that calories in = calories out and give me the impression that they think this is good for me. So I keep quiet and I am struggling through because all of this on top of the stress of life stuff has been building up but I don't feel like I can say that part of why I am freaking out is because this stupid class is driving me crazy all over again. Cause then I just sound like the rebellious fatty.  I have a few more weeks before this is over, it will not end soon enough. This will not kill me I will not let it, and I know God will get me through but the frustration level is building.  I just needed to get it out.