Thursday, November 3, 2011

Tonight I just feel sad

So remember that argument I had with one of my closest friends? Well I guess it ended today, she removed and blocked me from Facebook. I am not really surprised that it happened in fact I told my mom the day she flipped out at me that she probably would because I have seen her do that to other friends. It hurt though, A LOT, because I always thought, and she always told me that our friendship was too strong. I confided things in her I couldn't in other people I trusted her and it is hard for me to trust people.

I feel like I have been thrown away, and for what? I told her the truth, I was always honest with her and got her through sooooo much in her life, and for that I get thrown away like some kind of moldy food. She didn't even bother to talk to me like an adult, or work through things, nope just toss me aside. Now I know that honestly I haven't even been sure we could work things out or that I could trust her again, but there was a part of me that still hoped we could. Part of me kept thinking maybe if I just apologize or try to explain even more why the idea of her getting back with her ex who had just gotten out of a drug treatment program, who had hurt her so badly before was not something I could encourage. I realized though that I had done nothing wrong, I didn't say anything rude or offensive just encourage her as nicely as I could to be careful. I really did nothing I could apologize for and apologizing for NOT lying to her didn't seem right. I guess there was a part of me that thought she would realize everything I said was simply because I really do care about her and have been through more than she has and just want to help her as a friend should. With this happening though, it makes me want to not trust people again, I have had so many people who have told me over and over how much they love me, hurt me deeply which is why I don't trust easily. Stuff like this happens and I really do contemplate just pushing people away again and being ok without them but I know that isn't healthy.

When I realized that she had unfriended and blocked me I did send her a text and maybe it wasn't the best thing to send/say but it was how I was feeling 
"wow... just WOW .. you unfriended me AND blocked me from facebook why? Because I wouldn't lie to you and tell you what you wanted to hear, because I care so much for your heart that I urged caution. THAT is why you throw friends away?  You know I saw you do that with other people like S and C and I always thought she would never do that to me we are heart friends, we are friends on a soul level. Now I find that all that stuff you said about our friendship actually meant nothing cause I was 100% honest with you (remember that was a promise we made to each other sitting in your living room right before we prayed) and you would just remove me and throw me away like that... serious OUCH here... and all I can think to say is wow...well I respect you, and I respect your decision so I won't bother you again ever, have great life ok and I hope you find tons of friends who make you feel happy happy joy all the time. Take care of yourself."

She made her choice and you know what that really is ok. I know I will look back on this and be glad it happened because I have learned lessons and sometimes it is good that certain people leave your life. I know that everything happened for a reason and I hold fast to that promise but for tonight... I think I just need to feel sad that someone I considered my closest friend could just toss me away.


  1. I don't trust people easily either, and for the very same reasons you talk about in this post. I'm sorry she did this to you without even talking to you about it. Even knowing that she has done this to other of her friends doesn't make it any easier when it happens to you, nor does it make it easy even if you were planning on cutting back your time with her. It's still painful, and you need time to grieve over a lost friendship.
    As for whether or not you can trust other people in the future, you can always take your time with getting to know them. Keeping them at arm's length, and testing the waters to see if they can be trusted is easier emotionally than just trusting someone right off the bat. I've had a lot of friends in my 58 years of life, and been hurt by a lot of them. Ever since my best friend died 14 years ago, I haven't met anyone who I want to let get that close to me again (Pat and I knew just about everything there was to know about each other - good and bad, and didn't care, we were still the best of friends). Now I have acquaintances, and that's the way I like it. The rest of the time, I have my husband, my son and his fiancee and her kids, and my grandkids. They keep my life full and interesting, so close friends are not something I have time for anymore (and it does take time/work from both parties to maintain a friendship).

  2. Thank you so much Vesta, and you give such great advice. I am finding I am much the same, I am ok with acquaintances now because I am tired of the constant drama and dealing with the inevitable hurt that will come. I have a select few people who have made it past the acquaintance stage to where I consider them as close cherished friends. Most of the time it just seems like people who claim to want a real friendship with me just want to use me for something and I don't tolerate that.