Tuesday, October 25, 2011

No faking!

Last night was one that will not be listed in my good memories. I had one of my closest and most trusted friends rip into me quite completely out of the blue and I have to admit that even now I am still wounded and stewing about it.

Now my friend is such a great person, she has a huge heart and is a total blessing, we became friends YEARS ago when I was in grade 6 then I moved away and we lost touch for a while until we connected again through Facebook a few years ago. I am grateful for that because she soon became someone that I could talk to about some of the most important things in my life and she would share with me the same. The years before we reconnected were some of the darkest and most awful ones in my life. I am now much more introverted, which is partially because of my depression, and partly because I learned the hard way not everyone can be trusted, and letting people close often results in being hurt. I am working on that because I know that we need people in our lives, it isn't healthy to push everyone away but it is a long process. Anyway she has become someone that I felt I could let be close and I really care about her which is why the fight hurt so much more.

So why did we fight? Well let me give you a little background on my friend, she is around my age in her early thirties, works as a personal care provider at a old folks home. She has the most adorable and charming house, and some really great friends. She struggles with ADD and some emotional issues from some abuse she was victim to by an extended family member, but her heart is incredible and huge. I really do love her as a sister/friend, and I see how she struggles with self esteem issues very much like I used too, in fact I see a lot of my old pre-FA self in her. Though she is far from fat in fact she often gets thought of as being anorexic and we totally relate because we each get awful treatment cause of the size of our bodies. The fight we had shone even more of a light onto just how low her self esteem is and that breaks my heart. See I used to be very desperate to get people to like me, and even more desperate to be in a romantic relationship in order to feel like I am wanted. That has gone away as I work on accepting myself but I see it in her so much.

My friend will declared very vocally that she is totally ok being single and has made the statement numerous times that she is taking a year off from guys so she can focus on what is really important and work through healing from the abuse she suffered. Then a few days later she is going on and on about some guy in her life, how perfect he is, to the point of it being obsessive. I have been there for her as she gets stuck on these guys, goes out of her way to make them a part of her life. She becomes what she thinks they want, she begins to get into whatever they are into and that will become her whole world. She started doing that not long after we had gotten back into contact about one of her friends. That is all she ever talked about she would text me for hours about him, what he said, everything and I thought it was awesome cause ok yay cool a crush. But after a few months of that, where the only thing I ever heard about was him it started to worry me because it wasn't healthy. She often invited him to do things and they really did form a good friendship and she got us connected on facebook. He is a cool guy and we would comment on each others posts a few times and everytime we would she would show up and post a comment right away or text me and interrogate me as though there was something more when there wasn't and so because I cherished her friendship I ended up removing him so she wouldn't keep getting upset.

She would continually deny that she liked him (although later admitted that she really did) and then told me that he had asked her if she liked him as more than a friend... and she said no, then after she finally admitted that she did like him I think he was too afraid to get rejected again and so has never pursued anything more. Anyway they ended up being good friends and still are to. Now since that boy, there have been several more, including an ex that came back into her life and things were so toxic with them that she ended up contemplating filing a restraining order on him. I was there for her through that hurt and pain and I saw what he did to her and was glad when she finally realized she needed to cut him out of her life. 

After that came another infatuation with a guy lets call him Dan, and I was actually really excited for her. From what she was telling me he was just awesome, and seemed really great. Then she started planning their future together, she called him "My Dan" all the time and planned what their first date would be. Then as time went on I realized that they were basically just casual friends, but she had made it to be so much more in her mind, every friendly gesture she read way more into and I could see she was going to be hurt because he didn't feel the way she thought he did so I kind of held back my enthusiasm and encouraged her to give him a little space. She didn't though and she ended up flipping out at him because she read way more into the offer of a ride to a seminar they were going to and he was caught off guard and got upset when she over-reacted.

Anyway, now a week or two after that happened she found out that her ex boyfriend was getting out of a drug and alcohol treatment program that he had been in for six months. Somehow, I am not sure who first wrote, but this past week they had exchanged an email and all of a sudden the obsession with "Dan" was completely gone and she kept texting me about her ex. Talking about how he has changed and oh she is just certain that this is the one she is supposed to be with, that she really feels God leading them to be together. After seeing how much he hurt her I had a hard time getting overly excited. Well he graduated yesterday from the rehab program and she was so excited, posting everywhere about how this was the best day and so on. Then she texted me with how amazing the day was and that her ex is definitely actively pursuing her and she is going to let him and can't wait for the future. As her friend I couldn't get excited and happy because I see this ending up in her being hurt agian  even more and I really truly worry because she has such a sweet heart and I don't want to see her get broken and bitter like I used to be. all I could respond with was "Oh sweetie please be careful" and she flipped out.

I got a text in response ripping into me saying that I always put the guys she is involved with down just because I have a boyfriend and I want to "have on up on her."  WOW I can not tell you how completely blindsided I was and how much of a punch in the stomach it felt like to read that. I have said before on here I am NOT a competitive person at all I just don't think like that and I will be the first to concede defeat to try to end a competition and so that was just so insane to hear. The last thing I think about my friend is that I have one up on her in anything.  So I wrote back, still quite shocked and said "ok I will shut up, you won't hear another word from me about it :)"  and she replied with I wasn't mad just saying.

So I texted back, "okay yeah that really hurt me a lot, I thought I was in a friendship not a competition. I have NEVER thought or wanted to have one up on you I am not like that but if you want the truth you have so much more "up on me" than I can list so you win ok you totally win. Me having a boyfriend isn't some kind of trophy. I was just trying to be a good friend but you have set your boundary and I will respect it so I wish you a ton of happiness him him and that is the last I will say about it."

She replied telling me she wants a friend who just cheers her on no matter what or how they are feeling, that's what a friend should do and all I could answer with was "K" then she texted again and basically said that is what she does to me and if the situation was reversed she knows that is what I would want and then she said she was going to bed so I replied again with "K."

Thing is that is SO NOT what I would want, I spent way to much of my life being fake to try to please other people and it almost killed me. I want REAL friends, friends who will tell me the truth even if they know it isn't what I want to hear and it might hurt me. I have had way too many people hurt me because of lies and being fake, I can't handle that, I don't want to always be wondering what is truth or a lie. I also refuse to be a fake person and work daily to be real and genuine. Like I said I spent the majority of my life being fake, wearing masks depending on who I was with, and always having to hide the real me to try please people. It nearly killed me, I was anxious all the time, I hated myself and I certainly wasn't being a good friend or showing real love to the people I was friends with. Thing is if I didn't care it wouldn't be hard just to be fake and encourage her into something that will hurt her, but I love her and I can not do that in good conscience. She is one of the very few that I let close to me, who I consider cherished friends, and the fact that that is what she wants hurts the most to me.

I also find that the trust that I had given her has been broken, I wonder what has been truth and what was her just being fake and telling me what she thought I wanted to hear.  I really want to repair this friendship and recover from this fight but it is so hard for me to trust in the first place and when someone breaks that trust I don't know how to repair it when the other person isn't willing to be truthful 100%, also if she wants a fake friend, I can't be that. In order to be that for her I would have to stop caring, kill the friendship love I have for her and not be me. If that is what she wants, then she doesn't want me... and if she can't be honest with me, I don't want that friendship. I have way too many people who HAVE to be in my life who are fake to keep more as friends.

My mom says the level of defensiveness she showed kind of proves that deep inside she knows I am right about these guys, but is so desperate for that status symbol of a relationship she is willing to deal with someone who will use her and hurt her. That breaks my heart, and it makes me sad that she views a relationship as some kind of accessory to make herself feel better when it involves another person with real feelings and people shouldn't be used to make you feel better or more complete. It also kills me that she is willing to throw away our friendship in the pursuit of getting a guy. The few people I have talked to about this that I trust to be real like my boyfriend and my dear friend Matticus have remarked that she doesn't seem like much of a friend. Part of me is thinking that too, and feels reluctant to even try salvage the friendship, but the other part sees how amazing she is and I really care about her and wants to do whatever I can to keep the friendship.

I just don't know and right now I am so hurt and angry I can't really make a decision. Do I walk away and chalk it up to a learning experience, or do I be the cheerleader friend she wants just to keep things okay?


  1. You have to decide if you can continue to see her involve herself with men that are going to use and abuse her, not be what she wants them to be, or not be as into her as she is into them. Can you continue to see her being hurt, cheer her on in situations that are going to get her hurt, and maybe end up getting blamed because you cheered her on? Can you deal with the stress and hurt that is going to cause you? If the answer to any/all of those questions is no, then you need to cut back on the time you spend with her, or cut her out of your life entirely. If she's not being honest with you and doesn't want you to be honest with her, how much of a friend is she, really?

  2. That's exactly what I keep coming back to Vesta and I think what hurts the most, is knowing that she hasn't been truthful with me. I mean she is one of the few friends I have confided very personal stuff in because I needed advice or help. To know that she just told me what she thought I wanted to hear makes me now suspect everything she has said. Thing is no I can't cheer her on with things I know can or will hurt her, I can't because then I would feel partly responsible.

    You bring up a great point what if I do become the fake friend she wants, and then she blames me for not warning her or telling her the truth of what I see. Even if she didn't I would blame myself.

    I can't stand that she is keeping some sort of tally in her head as to if she is on top of the friendship or not.

    Right now my answer to all those questions is a definite no, I am realizing I can't and won't be the kind of friend she wants and really don't want to sacrifice who I am now to keep a friend I don't feel I can trust. It is just a sad realization, and sad when you see someone you care about doing things that will continue to hurt her and know you can't do a thing to stop it.