Alrighty folks, I need to vent and you get the venting.
Dear random guys on Facebook,
I did NOT ask you to love me, I didn't, not once, at all, EVER. Nope I accepted your friends request on Facebook, this does not in anyway invite you to hit on me or declare some kind of ownership over me. Here's the thing, I like playing games on Facebook, they are fun for me, they allow me to get away for a bit from work and homework and just do something completely stupid and meaningless.Some of these games in order to get anywhere with them and not go crazy you need other gamers, and so I have added a lot of people to my FB account that I can game with. Some of these people have actually become friends just because we connect on certain things. I enjoy reading about peoples lives and I like being able to share whats on my heart and mind in a way that is quick easy and works with my schedule and brain.
Yes I posted pictures of myself, mainly because I have a whole lot of family all over the world and I know it is fun for them to see whats new with me and to see pictures from time to time. You posting nice messages on these pictures is sweet, and I thank you for that, but I didn't ask for it. You posting on my posts and links is sweet, it is always nice to find other people who have the same thoughts or like the same things I do, that is cool. You then writing me a private message declaring your love for me when all I have done is be a kind albeit somewhat distant, acquaintance, is somewhat a shock to me but I want to be nice and I am always open to friends so I explain that I am open to a friendship on Facebook but that is all I can offer due to the fact that I am getting over the end of a very serious relationship and also the fact that you live in a whole different country with a completely different culture, etc. You speak of how you love my faith in God, and say you share that faith and ok that is cool always nice to meet a fellow believer, a brother in Christ. Now you continue to declare your love and intentions, that you just know God means for us to be together, that you would make me the happiest wife ever, blah blah blah.
Ok bottom line, no you don't love me, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME! Declaring love for a chick you only know by their status updates and posts on Facebook not only makes you look incredibly suspicious but honestly it makes said chick (ME) doubt you have even one clue what real love is and doubt even more that you are for real. I did not ask for you to love me, and when you threw that at me I tried to be as kind but honest as I could. Maybe you expect that I would just fall at your feet and swim over there to marry you tomorrow but I am sorry, you are out of luck. I have explained to you that I just got out of a relationship that shattered me, and I have explained that by just I mean JUST, as in I am still dealing with the grief, and you still push your love on me. I have explained that I have major trust issues that are quite valid and the idea of getting into another long distance relationship honestly makes me kind of nauseous and is not something I am interested in at all. Your response, That you will move here...... ummmm NO you won't, and that kind of freaked me out even more.
You write me every day, multiple times a day, ok thats your prerogative, but we are not in a relationship, and I don't write my real life friends everyday and I love them to pieces. So the fact that now I have started avoiding Facebook and definitely started avoiding my inbox because I just don't have the time or inclination to try to make you understand, is not cool.
Lets go over this again, I DID NOT ASK YOU TO LOVE ME, I don't need your love, I don't want your love and I certainly don't want to be in a relationship with a clingy smothering man! Me being nice and kind was obviously misinterpreted by you as me wanting to jump your bones and make vows to you. Putting me into a situation where I have to be a mean witch is not cool and again not anything I asked for. Thing is dudes, and yes I am talking to multiple ones here, don't push your "love" on women who never asked for it. If you do approach a woman and they say all they can offer is friendship then for crying out loud show that woman who you claim to "love" that that love actually means respecting her no, because here is the deal, if you can't even respect a woman when they say they are only interested in friendship how in the world is that woman supposed to think you would ever respect her in any other matter. The same kind of rules that apply to rape apply here, unless you get an enthusiastic yes, back off and don't go further. If you get a lukewarm not right now or I need time then drop back and show you can be an actual friend and if you get a no then respect that freaking no and stay in friend/acquaintance zone or drop out of her life don't keep pushing and trying to "convince" her. Don't make her defend her answer, that just once again shows you have no respect for her or her thoughts and feelings.
It is not cool to do this, I am sorry but your "love" is not a priceless commodity that all women will thank you for delivering to them. I will not die if I don't get with you, I will not die from lack of sex, I do not need a man in my life to be happy, in fact I think I have shown that I can be completely happy and content on my own. I do not need a knight on a white horse to save me, and regardless of how many times you tell me that God has told you that I should be with you and we should be together unless God also sends that memo to me and gives me peace about it then sorry but I don't believe it so just stop. I am on facebook for fun and to keep in touch with family and friends all over the world, if I wanted matchmaking or dates I would sign up for eHarmony. Got it... I hope so
/rant
Monday, March 19, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Bullying Damages Peoples Lives!
In my previous post I talked through some of my feelings regarding finding that the man I had been dedicated to for the past 5 years had been cheating on me. I shared how I was bullied as a young girl in school by people playing with my heart and feelings by pretending to be interested in me, and then finding it hilarious when I believed what they were saying. In that post I was beating myself up for once again playing the fool like I had back in then, all those feelings of being the stupid fool had come flooding back and I kept telling myself how dumb I was to believe someone could love me. Those are the same lies that I was taunted with back then, and here a good 25 some years later those messages are still very deeply ingrained in my mind. They were my "truth" as I was growing up and that "truth" effected my whole life and it is what I struggle with now as I work to replace those lies with actual truth.
I have been pondering all this lately after I finally realized where the anger at myself was coming from, and I will admit I have been simmering with a little bit of anger. No longer am I angry at myself I am angry at those kids who found it so hilarious to play with someone elses heart and lives. I am angry that they felt it was ok to treat me and others who didn't "measure up" as third class citizens who deserved to be treated like crap. I am angry at all those people who will sit back and say bullying is harmful and that kids will be kids. I am really angry at the ones who say that "you have to be cruel to be kind" and that talk about tough love and try so desperately to hide the fact that they are just mean concern trolls. A comment on one of the blogs I read in the past few weeks (I can't remember where so if it was you give me a heads up) has really stuck in my head. They were commenting about tough love and said if that is the way you love then go love someone else. That was huge for me, I thought oh that is so right on, they go on and on about tough love and having to be mean in order to "save" someone, but does anyone ask the victim if they asked to be "loved?" I dare to wager that the majority would gladly pass on that kind of love, and would be better off for doing so. I honestly don't care how good your intentions are, if the person you are pointing them at doesn't invite you to share them, then shut your mouth, cause you aren't an undercover superhero.
Another thing that has me angry is how the adults I tried talking to when I was being bullied would react or respond. Most of the time I was told "You just gotta ignore them, they are just trying to get a reaction out of you and if you don't react they will stop" then the other thing that would happen was I would be encouraged to go on a diet, lose weight, change myself. Here is the deal folks, when a person, especially a young kid is being victimized by a bully or bullies, it is so not cool to put the responsibility for stopping it onto the victims shoulders cause lemme tell ya, they have enough to shoulder. That is the #1 reason that I stopped speaking out about all the stuff I went through, because it always became my problem, I would have to change myself or my reactions, I was the one in the wrong, not the bully. It wasn't until my late twenties just a few years ago when I was in a group counseling session at a clinic I had gone to in California for eating disorders that I actually shared some of the stuff I went through. To me it was just my childhood, it was my normal, all I knew but my counselor looked at me seriously and said "Teresa that was ABUSE, you talk about it as though it was your fault and that is was ok but that was ABUSE and it is not ok that that happened to you and I am so very sorry you had to go through that." That was the very first time in my life that I ever heard someone 1)give it the name of abuse because that is what it was and 2) tell me that I didn't deserve it and 3) that they were so sorry that it had happened to me. The first time I had EVER heard any of that. It honestly shocked me and I started to disagree because I was still holding the feeling of responsibility for it, then I just went silent for the rest of the session. I didn't know how to process not just that what was my normal, was actually abuse, but I also struggled to process that it wasn't my fault and that someone said they were sorry... to me...for what I have gone through. That counselor still holds a very dear place in my heart, he opened my eyes in such a profound way and I can still hear his voice and see his face as he spoke those words.
SleepyDumpling wrote a post on Fat Heffalump the other day Bullies – You Don’t Get a Cookie for Feeling Bad that had me nodding my head in agreement the whole way through. I am so sick of bullies getting a pass for their abusive behavior, and the thought of people feeling bad for them because "oh they must have had such a hard life" yeah well life is tough for everyone and that doesn't give us license to abuse others because of it. We need to not only stop bullying, and teach our children that bullying is bad and wrong, we need to give real consequences to the bullies not the victims. We need to stick up for the victims of bullies abusive ways, and we need to teach our children to be NICE and how to treat people with RESPECT even if you might not like them for some reason. The best way to do this is to model it in our own lives, treat the people we run across in life with respect. Yeah ok it might be nice to tell kids that "it gets better" but in the case of being a fat person that isn't always true and sometimes when you grow up the adults can be even worse than the kids were. It doesn't always get better and that cliche annoys me because it rings so much of the responses that I got from the adults that should have been protecting me in order to brush me aside. It might not get better, it might get worse, but I have found in the fat acceptance community that even if it doesn't get better you can find people who will stand beside you and tell you that what has happened to you is not ok and that they are so very sorry. They also help you replace the lies the bullies and abusers throw at you with the truth and that helps you to get stronger and stand firm when it doesn't get better.
So what do you think of "tough love" and people that think that abuse and shame is a good way to help people? What do you think of the "It gets better"saying? What can adults do when a kid comes to them and tells them they are being bullied, how would you react?
I have been pondering all this lately after I finally realized where the anger at myself was coming from, and I will admit I have been simmering with a little bit of anger. No longer am I angry at myself I am angry at those kids who found it so hilarious to play with someone elses heart and lives. I am angry that they felt it was ok to treat me and others who didn't "measure up" as third class citizens who deserved to be treated like crap. I am angry at all those people who will sit back and say bullying is harmful and that kids will be kids. I am really angry at the ones who say that "you have to be cruel to be kind" and that talk about tough love and try so desperately to hide the fact that they are just mean concern trolls. A comment on one of the blogs I read in the past few weeks (I can't remember where so if it was you give me a heads up) has really stuck in my head. They were commenting about tough love and said if that is the way you love then go love someone else. That was huge for me, I thought oh that is so right on, they go on and on about tough love and having to be mean in order to "save" someone, but does anyone ask the victim if they asked to be "loved?" I dare to wager that the majority would gladly pass on that kind of love, and would be better off for doing so. I honestly don't care how good your intentions are, if the person you are pointing them at doesn't invite you to share them, then shut your mouth, cause you aren't an undercover superhero.
Another thing that has me angry is how the adults I tried talking to when I was being bullied would react or respond. Most of the time I was told "You just gotta ignore them, they are just trying to get a reaction out of you and if you don't react they will stop" then the other thing that would happen was I would be encouraged to go on a diet, lose weight, change myself. Here is the deal folks, when a person, especially a young kid is being victimized by a bully or bullies, it is so not cool to put the responsibility for stopping it onto the victims shoulders cause lemme tell ya, they have enough to shoulder. That is the #1 reason that I stopped speaking out about all the stuff I went through, because it always became my problem, I would have to change myself or my reactions, I was the one in the wrong, not the bully. It wasn't until my late twenties just a few years ago when I was in a group counseling session at a clinic I had gone to in California for eating disorders that I actually shared some of the stuff I went through. To me it was just my childhood, it was my normal, all I knew but my counselor looked at me seriously and said "Teresa that was ABUSE, you talk about it as though it was your fault and that is was ok but that was ABUSE and it is not ok that that happened to you and I am so very sorry you had to go through that." That was the very first time in my life that I ever heard someone 1)give it the name of abuse because that is what it was and 2) tell me that I didn't deserve it and 3) that they were so sorry that it had happened to me. The first time I had EVER heard any of that. It honestly shocked me and I started to disagree because I was still holding the feeling of responsibility for it, then I just went silent for the rest of the session. I didn't know how to process not just that what was my normal, was actually abuse, but I also struggled to process that it wasn't my fault and that someone said they were sorry... to me...for what I have gone through. That counselor still holds a very dear place in my heart, he opened my eyes in such a profound way and I can still hear his voice and see his face as he spoke those words.
SleepyDumpling wrote a post on Fat Heffalump the other day Bullies – You Don’t Get a Cookie for Feeling Bad that had me nodding my head in agreement the whole way through. I am so sick of bullies getting a pass for their abusive behavior, and the thought of people feeling bad for them because "oh they must have had such a hard life" yeah well life is tough for everyone and that doesn't give us license to abuse others because of it. We need to not only stop bullying, and teach our children that bullying is bad and wrong, we need to give real consequences to the bullies not the victims. We need to stick up for the victims of bullies abusive ways, and we need to teach our children to be NICE and how to treat people with RESPECT even if you might not like them for some reason. The best way to do this is to model it in our own lives, treat the people we run across in life with respect. Yeah ok it might be nice to tell kids that "it gets better" but in the case of being a fat person that isn't always true and sometimes when you grow up the adults can be even worse than the kids were. It doesn't always get better and that cliche annoys me because it rings so much of the responses that I got from the adults that should have been protecting me in order to brush me aside. It might not get better, it might get worse, but I have found in the fat acceptance community that even if it doesn't get better you can find people who will stand beside you and tell you that what has happened to you is not ok and that they are so very sorry. They also help you replace the lies the bullies and abusers throw at you with the truth and that helps you to get stronger and stand firm when it doesn't get better.
So what do you think of "tough love" and people that think that abuse and shame is a good way to help people? What do you think of the "It gets better"saying? What can adults do when a kid comes to them and tells them they are being bullied, how would you react?
Monday, February 20, 2012
Proof that the 7th grade kids were right...
I was in 7th grade, one year after moving from the home I had known in Canada to Minnesota so that my dad could go to Seminary. Now Andy had been in my 6th grade classroom, and in 7th grade when we started moving from room to room for our classes we shared a few of them, and sat site by side in social studies. He had always been nice to me, and we would talk, laugh, and joke as we worked on things together. I thought of him as somewhat of a friend, I mean we never hung out outside of classes but we had fun during them, I trusted him like I would a friend. Then one day after sitting down at the table we shared and pulling out my books and stuff Andy surprised me "Hey Teresa will you go out with me?" I was kind of shocked and puzzled I knew he had been dating Katie, one of the popular pretty girls but before I could say anything the teacher walked in.
So I did what 7th graders do in school.. I wrote him a note and slipped it to him asking him if he was serious and what about Katie. He wrote back saying he was totally serious and that he and Katie had broken up. We were taking notes and so nothing more was said until the teacher left the classroom for some reason. That's when Andy turned to me and said "So what do you say?" I smiled at him and nodded saying "ok, " then the whole classroom burst out laughing along with Andy as he exclaimed " I can't believe you fell for it.. like I would go out with you." I was mortified, humiliated, but most of all hurt as I sat there in class as everyone laughed at me and what a stupid girl I was. It took everything in me but I didn't let them see me cry, I put my actress face on and acted like I had known it all along and I was just calling his bluff but of course word spread quickly and for the next few years until I moved away that became the joke... to ask me out and then laugh at how absurd a thought it was. I was so ashamed, so humiliated and I didn't tell anyone in my family about it because ... well shoot I felt so dumb that I could have actually thought some guy found me likeable.
So I held it all in my heart and I swore that I would NEVER let that happen to me again. I would NEVER let someone else make a fool of me like that and I didn't. I put myself on the defense because I had learned that I needed to protect myself. As the years went by if a guy expressed interest in me at all I laughed it off and told him I was already clued into that joke and then I pushed him away. I tried letting down my guard with a few guys who seemed very genuine and caring after high school with awful results that left me broken. I finally came to the point that I didn't want to let anyone close at all ever because every time I did the people that I let close would prove once again that I was not worthy to be loved and I would be thrown away like trash for someone better. My experience in my life has been that I am unlovable, now I understand that that might not be the case, but that is my experience and my reality. So I had built up a great wall around my heart and then I met Drew. He expressed interest in me but I pushed him away and kept him at arms length, but he didn't give up on me. I would let him as close as a friend but then he tried telling me he loved me and I flipped out. I told him I didn't believe in that word that there is no such thing as love there is only toleration and that was all he was allowed to say to me cause I was done with being lied to. He kept telling me he loved me, and I kept telling him no you don't you tolerate me, and yet he stayed in my life he didn't give up. For the first time in my whole life I started to believe in love, and I realized that I loved him. I kept expecting it to all crash again like it had before but it didn't and I came to trust him completely. I really and truly loved him with all my heart and I did all I could to make sure that he KNEW it in his heart cause I didn't want to just say it. It was wonderful, and amazing and worth every struggle and compromise to experience that kind of love and feel loved just as I was.
And then it all came crashing down in one less than one stupid hour as I accidentally find out he was seeing someone else. He came online that night and I confronted him, honestly hoping that there was a valid explanation for what I found... but he didn't deny it. That was our last talk.. it lasted maybe 5 minutes.. and in 5 minutes, 5 years of a relationship that meant the world to me and that was my future lay in shards at my feet. For the final time it has been proven to me in the most concrete way that I am unlovable, and I am working on being ok with that and on facing a future alone but I am struggling. I can see how it was a good thing, it is good that that door closed because he apparently didn't love me, that was all lies. So it is good that he is gone, and he found someone better and he is happy and as stupid as this is my love for him is glad he is happy. So I can see the plus side... but I am in so much pain. I can't talk to anyone about the pain and despair that is constantly sitting like a lead weight in my heart, they don't want to hear it, it makes them uncomfortable and brings them down and then they avoid me. If I speak about how it has made me feel, about how completely stupid I am to have let myself be made the fool of again, they get mad and tell me not to talk like that. I try focusing on the positive, there are positives I see that but the realization that I will never be anything special to anyone. Add into that having two of my closest friends throw me away like trash because I didn't say or do the right thing that they wanted from me has left me really struggling to stand strong. I just want to curl up and hide away, I don't want to go out in the world and open myself up to more hurt. I realize that I am only good for what people can get from me and when I mess up or can't give more then I am not worth their time. I realize that I am not the kind of girl that can be loved romantically and if someone tells me they love me it only means for now until they can find something better. I get that in this world we learn to completely focus on ourselves and other people are necessary collateral and I realize that that is what I am but it hurts. I try to treat people with kindness and love. I try to accept everyone in my life and give as much as I can so they know they are loved but it hurts. I hurt. My heart is past hurt, it is just numb. I hate what keeping all this inside of me is doing to me and to my heart. I am shutting down and becoming fake again but I don't want to make my friends and family uncomfortable they shouldn't have to deal with me so I will keep it inside and learn to cope like this. I will be ok, I do know that there is one person who loves me completely and will never let me go and lets me dump it all and that is God. I know He can handle the pain and the stuff I need to express and He will get me through but I am struggling and I just needed to get this out.
So I did what 7th graders do in school.. I wrote him a note and slipped it to him asking him if he was serious and what about Katie. He wrote back saying he was totally serious and that he and Katie had broken up. We were taking notes and so nothing more was said until the teacher left the classroom for some reason. That's when Andy turned to me and said "So what do you say?" I smiled at him and nodded saying "ok, " then the whole classroom burst out laughing along with Andy as he exclaimed " I can't believe you fell for it.. like I would go out with you." I was mortified, humiliated, but most of all hurt as I sat there in class as everyone laughed at me and what a stupid girl I was. It took everything in me but I didn't let them see me cry, I put my actress face on and acted like I had known it all along and I was just calling his bluff but of course word spread quickly and for the next few years until I moved away that became the joke... to ask me out and then laugh at how absurd a thought it was. I was so ashamed, so humiliated and I didn't tell anyone in my family about it because ... well shoot I felt so dumb that I could have actually thought some guy found me likeable.
So I held it all in my heart and I swore that I would NEVER let that happen to me again. I would NEVER let someone else make a fool of me like that and I didn't. I put myself on the defense because I had learned that I needed to protect myself. As the years went by if a guy expressed interest in me at all I laughed it off and told him I was already clued into that joke and then I pushed him away. I tried letting down my guard with a few guys who seemed very genuine and caring after high school with awful results that left me broken. I finally came to the point that I didn't want to let anyone close at all ever because every time I did the people that I let close would prove once again that I was not worthy to be loved and I would be thrown away like trash for someone better. My experience in my life has been that I am unlovable, now I understand that that might not be the case, but that is my experience and my reality. So I had built up a great wall around my heart and then I met Drew. He expressed interest in me but I pushed him away and kept him at arms length, but he didn't give up on me. I would let him as close as a friend but then he tried telling me he loved me and I flipped out. I told him I didn't believe in that word that there is no such thing as love there is only toleration and that was all he was allowed to say to me cause I was done with being lied to. He kept telling me he loved me, and I kept telling him no you don't you tolerate me, and yet he stayed in my life he didn't give up. For the first time in my whole life I started to believe in love, and I realized that I loved him. I kept expecting it to all crash again like it had before but it didn't and I came to trust him completely. I really and truly loved him with all my heart and I did all I could to make sure that he KNEW it in his heart cause I didn't want to just say it. It was wonderful, and amazing and worth every struggle and compromise to experience that kind of love and feel loved just as I was.
And then it all came crashing down in one less than one stupid hour as I accidentally find out he was seeing someone else. He came online that night and I confronted him, honestly hoping that there was a valid explanation for what I found... but he didn't deny it. That was our last talk.. it lasted maybe 5 minutes.. and in 5 minutes, 5 years of a relationship that meant the world to me and that was my future lay in shards at my feet. For the final time it has been proven to me in the most concrete way that I am unlovable, and I am working on being ok with that and on facing a future alone but I am struggling. I can see how it was a good thing, it is good that that door closed because he apparently didn't love me, that was all lies. So it is good that he is gone, and he found someone better and he is happy and as stupid as this is my love for him is glad he is happy. So I can see the plus side... but I am in so much pain. I can't talk to anyone about the pain and despair that is constantly sitting like a lead weight in my heart, they don't want to hear it, it makes them uncomfortable and brings them down and then they avoid me. If I speak about how it has made me feel, about how completely stupid I am to have let myself be made the fool of again, they get mad and tell me not to talk like that. I try focusing on the positive, there are positives I see that but the realization that I will never be anything special to anyone. Add into that having two of my closest friends throw me away like trash because I didn't say or do the right thing that they wanted from me has left me really struggling to stand strong. I just want to curl up and hide away, I don't want to go out in the world and open myself up to more hurt. I realize that I am only good for what people can get from me and when I mess up or can't give more then I am not worth their time. I realize that I am not the kind of girl that can be loved romantically and if someone tells me they love me it only means for now until they can find something better. I get that in this world we learn to completely focus on ourselves and other people are necessary collateral and I realize that that is what I am but it hurts. I try to treat people with kindness and love. I try to accept everyone in my life and give as much as I can so they know they are loved but it hurts. I hurt. My heart is past hurt, it is just numb. I hate what keeping all this inside of me is doing to me and to my heart. I am shutting down and becoming fake again but I don't want to make my friends and family uncomfortable they shouldn't have to deal with me so I will keep it inside and learn to cope like this. I will be ok, I do know that there is one person who loves me completely and will never let me go and lets me dump it all and that is God. I know He can handle the pain and the stuff I need to express and He will get me through but I am struggling and I just needed to get this out.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Tuesdays Post
There was supposed to be a new post put up early Tuesday morning. The post was to be written to my boyfriend in honor of his birthday. It was a letter to him that was going to talk about what a special gift he was to my life, how his love made me believe in love again after being horribly mistreated and betrayed by previous boyfriends. It was going to tell him how excited I was that we were talking about our future and planning it together. It was going to thank him for having the patience that he has had for the all the years we have been together as I deal with getting stronger and back on my feet after being raped and going through a breakdown that nearly ended my life. It was to thank him for always being honest with me, even when he had to tell me something that it wasn't easy to hear. That helped me to trust people again after a time where I couldn't trust anyone because of things that had happened to me.I wanted to thank him for showing me that a guy can be faithful to me. It was to publicly thank him for helping me to heal and let him know how much he is loved and what an amazing gift he is to my life. My whole life I was raised by the people close to me, to believe that no one would love me because of my looks and the size of my body. He made me believe that maybe those things weren't true. He made me feel beautiful and invincible, and that I wasn't worthless like I had been led to believe.
Sunday night I sat down to begin to write the post. I was going to show it to him after I posted it to him on his birthday. As I was writing a little doubt flashed through my mind wondering if his birthday wasn't on monday instead, I have never been very good with remember any kind of dates. I still sometimes don't remember my families birthdays so I figured it would be wise to double check. I couldn't find it written anywhere on my calendar or anything and so the thought crossed my mind that maybe it would be on his Facebook page. I knew it had been hacked a while back but I thought it was worth a shot to see if it was there so I went to Facebook and struck out it wasn't there. Just as I was about to close the page out I spotted a display picture on one of the friends on the friends list that shows up on the left of the screen. It had a couple on it and the guy looked like Drew. Curiously I clicked on it and yup it was him, with another girl. A quick google search of that girls name brought up two more pictures of them together and it was clear they were more than just friends. I told him about it as soon as I saw him again and he basically confirmed it and said it was just something that happened. I went numb and don't really remember what he said after that all I know is I said goodbye. Since then it has been a numb blur as I process everything and work through my feelings now. I feel broken and betrayed and am grieving the loss of someone I truly loved. I also can't help those thought that are now popping up telling me it was my fault and if I was just prettier, skinnier, better he wouldn't have done that. Part of me feels like I can't blame him because I deserved it for not being perfect or good enough, and that I didn't deserve to be loved or respected. I know in my head that that isn't true, but the other part of me feels like this proved everyone right and that is hard to overcome.
So Tuesday was supposed to be a public love letter to the man I loved with my whole heart in honor of him and his birthday. Instead I found myself questioning everything he ever told me especially the part about loving me and all that and wondering where the man I adored went to and who this stranger in his place was. Now I grieve and move on.
Sunday night I sat down to begin to write the post. I was going to show it to him after I posted it to him on his birthday. As I was writing a little doubt flashed through my mind wondering if his birthday wasn't on monday instead, I have never been very good with remember any kind of dates. I still sometimes don't remember my families birthdays so I figured it would be wise to double check. I couldn't find it written anywhere on my calendar or anything and so the thought crossed my mind that maybe it would be on his Facebook page. I knew it had been hacked a while back but I thought it was worth a shot to see if it was there so I went to Facebook and struck out it wasn't there. Just as I was about to close the page out I spotted a display picture on one of the friends on the friends list that shows up on the left of the screen. It had a couple on it and the guy looked like Drew. Curiously I clicked on it and yup it was him, with another girl. A quick google search of that girls name brought up two more pictures of them together and it was clear they were more than just friends. I told him about it as soon as I saw him again and he basically confirmed it and said it was just something that happened. I went numb and don't really remember what he said after that all I know is I said goodbye. Since then it has been a numb blur as I process everything and work through my feelings now. I feel broken and betrayed and am grieving the loss of someone I truly loved. I also can't help those thought that are now popping up telling me it was my fault and if I was just prettier, skinnier, better he wouldn't have done that. Part of me feels like I can't blame him because I deserved it for not being perfect or good enough, and that I didn't deserve to be loved or respected. I know in my head that that isn't true, but the other part of me feels like this proved everyone right and that is hard to overcome.
So Tuesday was supposed to be a public love letter to the man I loved with my whole heart in honor of him and his birthday. Instead I found myself questioning everything he ever told me especially the part about loving me and all that and wondering where the man I adored went to and who this stranger in his place was. Now I grieve and move on.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Quietness
So I have been rather quiet lately. That comes from a few different things, first off I just started a new term in school and so I am getting back into the swing of the new class schedule and recovering from last term lol.
Then I have been doing some active procrastination and avoidance because I am dealing with this awful feeling of being so mean for having to cut that friend who I really do care about out of my life. Don't get me wrong, I know that it had to be done. I just keep feeling so awful that it had to get to that length of blocking her number so she can't call or text me, and setting up my email so it bounces any emails she might send me, as well as blocking her on Facebook. It just seems so mean to me, however I do know that if I didn't she wouldn't respect my decision in this. She would keep trying to explain herself and get me to agree with her and if I didn't she would go back to treating me like some evil enemy and it would probably get even worse. I keep wanting to reverse everything but I know that if I take down those defenses things will get even worse. I feel at peace with how I left it, because I focused on the positive and really thanking her for what she had added to my life while she was in it, I didn't want to attack her and make her feel hated so I just left it at that. There is just this horrible feeling that I am so mean and heartless, but the damage was done and I really don't know how we could get back to a friendship level.
So that has been what I have been struggling with and I am sure I will work through it but it has just been making me get a bit more introverted this week. I do have a few posts in the works, but right now I just really wanted to share this video with everyone. It hits me so deeply because what she describes is a lot of what I went through on my journey to fat acceptance and how I feel. The first time I saw it I wanted so badly to post it on my Facebook wall because it just said so much, I love it so much and love that it includes images from Adipositivity. That site was one that really made me begin to see beauty when I looked into the mirror. I however have a lot of younger teens on my page, as well as people who are very conservative and I didn't want to offend or upset them so I haven't, but I need to post it here. I think it is just so well done and well said! So please enjoy!!!
Then I have been doing some active procrastination and avoidance because I am dealing with this awful feeling of being so mean for having to cut that friend who I really do care about out of my life. Don't get me wrong, I know that it had to be done. I just keep feeling so awful that it had to get to that length of blocking her number so she can't call or text me, and setting up my email so it bounces any emails she might send me, as well as blocking her on Facebook. It just seems so mean to me, however I do know that if I didn't she wouldn't respect my decision in this. She would keep trying to explain herself and get me to agree with her and if I didn't she would go back to treating me like some evil enemy and it would probably get even worse. I keep wanting to reverse everything but I know that if I take down those defenses things will get even worse. I feel at peace with how I left it, because I focused on the positive and really thanking her for what she had added to my life while she was in it, I didn't want to attack her and make her feel hated so I just left it at that. There is just this horrible feeling that I am so mean and heartless, but the damage was done and I really don't know how we could get back to a friendship level.
So that has been what I have been struggling with and I am sure I will work through it but it has just been making me get a bit more introverted this week. I do have a few posts in the works, but right now I just really wanted to share this video with everyone. It hits me so deeply because what she describes is a lot of what I went through on my journey to fat acceptance and how I feel. The first time I saw it I wanted so badly to post it on my Facebook wall because it just said so much, I love it so much and love that it includes images from Adipositivity. That site was one that really made me begin to see beauty when I looked into the mirror. I however have a lot of younger teens on my page, as well as people who are very conservative and I didn't want to offend or upset them so I haven't, but I need to post it here. I think it is just so well done and well said! So please enjoy!!!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
The End of the Beginning
So last night that friend texted me about 8 hours after I sent her the text telling me that she was sorry I was upset but she isn't willing to talk to me and she ignored and deleted my text to her. That when she is ready to talk she will write me an email and that I should be ready to listen. That she knows that my love for her is limited and that is ok, but she still loves me. That she has forgiven me and is praying for me and my trust issues.
That honestly broke me, I had so much anger running through me from what she said and how she painted and treated me like I was some kind of demon spawn when I treated her with nothing but respect even when voicing my hurt. My hands were shaking to much to respond right away so I took a few moments to calm down and when I did I realized I was done. So I just wrote to her and told her to just do whatever she had to do for herself and I wouldn't bother her anymore, and that was the end of that convo. It took all of 5 minutes for me to decided I truly was done, I love myself to much to hold onto an abusive relationship like that and so I removed anyway she might have of communicating with me except for facebook, since she had already blocked me on there I couldn't set that one. I realized though that I needed to let her know that I did and do care about her, that it wasn't because I hated her that I chose to do this and so I wrote her a note letting her know that she truly was a blessing in my life while she was in it. I didn't want to end on a note of hate, or anger, that isn't me it isn't who I am and so I just let her know some of the things that made her special and then I attached an art piece that I had made for her right before she flipped out on me since it was meant for her and told her I wouldn't bother her again.
well less than an hour later I see a message on my facebook acount from her saying yahoo isn't letting me send you an email, (no that was my decision) and so I will write you here. I guess not I warrented being unblocked since it benefited her. She told me that she was upset because she saw a status on my facebook weeks ago where I said I was so excited that my bestest friend, was getting married and looking forward to helping her plan long distance like. Now like I said before this friend and I hadn't been in contact for like 12 years previous to reconnecting and I had lived in Canada and of course I made friends there, including one who I have had since grade 9. "L" has been there for me and though we didn't talk during the time I was struggling big time with depression just because I wouldn't let myself reach out to her, when I got better and reached out she was there for me and is now planning her wedding and wants me involved which is a huge honor. That night she had texted me to let me know that he had just proposed, I was the first one she told and you better believe I was excited. Her and I have dreamed of this for years and I was ecstatic. Let me just tell you this here, I have more than enough love in my heart to have several friends and I think it is healthy to have more than one friendship because one person can't meet all your needs. Plus my heart is almost as big as my fat behind.
That was apparently what made the other friend freak out, she told me that she may have other friends but that I am her "bestest" friend and I hurt her by calling "L" my best friend. She told me that I had also hurt her because on that day that she fipped out when I responded with concern regarding her ex she was expecting me to ask her how it went (however she had just texted me telling me how it had went) then went onto say her blocking me was just because she was hurt and that she hopes I was as miserable as she was these weeks not talking. She wrapped it up saying things will be different from now on cause she will have accountability and told me she loved me and called me a dear friend.
I kind of just felt physically ill reading it, that she could treat me like such scum because she was jealous and that was ok? I sat there for a few minutes and thought, what will she do next time I unwittingly make her jealous or don't react the way she thinks I should? It filled me with fer and I got anxious thinking about always having to worry about when the next freakout would be. Then I realized I may love her, and her friendship, but I do love me more. That was a very shocking revelation, as someone who has spent most of her life hating herself, I felt the urgent need to protect myself. So I went to her facebook account and I was the one blocking this time. I was blocking someone I care dearly about because I realized for the first time I care about me to much to put myself into that again. I was setting myself free from a friendship that would honestly become chains of fear to upset her again, and to always have to question if she is being truthful, and really I was releasing her as well. Now I don't know what the future holds, but as of right now I feel peace because I am taking care of me so I can reach out to those who actually want my friendship no strings attached, and who treat me with love and respect.
This is a true step for me, I have never loved myself enough to take a step that while hard is protecting me in the long run. I really think a big part of that is fat acceptance and learning to love me and not thinking I deserved the hurt and drama just because I was fat. Fat acceptance has taught me to take care of myself, that I don't have to take abuse of any kind as my penance for not fitting into a size 2 and that my mental health is a part of overall health and taking the steps needed to keep myself healthy. I am also learning that I don't have to put up with awful treatment because no one else will want to be my friend, in fact I am finding that quite a few people think I am amazing and actually want to be around me. So it might have been the end of a friendship, but it is part of the beginning of me really evaluating and choosing my friendships wisely, and truly taking care of myself so that I do have the energy for those people who have shown they are real friends. It is ok to remove people from your life, it is sometimes the most loving thing you can do for you but also for the other person.
So that closes that chapter in my life, I know I have talked about this a lot on my blog but it gave me a good outlet to talk things through.
That honestly broke me, I had so much anger running through me from what she said and how she painted and treated me like I was some kind of demon spawn when I treated her with nothing but respect even when voicing my hurt. My hands were shaking to much to respond right away so I took a few moments to calm down and when I did I realized I was done. So I just wrote to her and told her to just do whatever she had to do for herself and I wouldn't bother her anymore, and that was the end of that convo. It took all of 5 minutes for me to decided I truly was done, I love myself to much to hold onto an abusive relationship like that and so I removed anyway she might have of communicating with me except for facebook, since she had already blocked me on there I couldn't set that one. I realized though that I needed to let her know that I did and do care about her, that it wasn't because I hated her that I chose to do this and so I wrote her a note letting her know that she truly was a blessing in my life while she was in it. I didn't want to end on a note of hate, or anger, that isn't me it isn't who I am and so I just let her know some of the things that made her special and then I attached an art piece that I had made for her right before she flipped out on me since it was meant for her and told her I wouldn't bother her again.
well less than an hour later I see a message on my facebook acount from her saying yahoo isn't letting me send you an email, (no that was my decision) and so I will write you here. I guess not I warrented being unblocked since it benefited her. She told me that she was upset because she saw a status on my facebook weeks ago where I said I was so excited that my bestest friend, was getting married and looking forward to helping her plan long distance like. Now like I said before this friend and I hadn't been in contact for like 12 years previous to reconnecting and I had lived in Canada and of course I made friends there, including one who I have had since grade 9. "L" has been there for me and though we didn't talk during the time I was struggling big time with depression just because I wouldn't let myself reach out to her, when I got better and reached out she was there for me and is now planning her wedding and wants me involved which is a huge honor. That night she had texted me to let me know that he had just proposed, I was the first one she told and you better believe I was excited. Her and I have dreamed of this for years and I was ecstatic. Let me just tell you this here, I have more than enough love in my heart to have several friends and I think it is healthy to have more than one friendship because one person can't meet all your needs. Plus my heart is almost as big as my fat behind.
That was apparently what made the other friend freak out, she told me that she may have other friends but that I am her "bestest" friend and I hurt her by calling "L" my best friend. She told me that I had also hurt her because on that day that she fipped out when I responded with concern regarding her ex she was expecting me to ask her how it went (however she had just texted me telling me how it had went) then went onto say her blocking me was just because she was hurt and that she hopes I was as miserable as she was these weeks not talking. She wrapped it up saying things will be different from now on cause she will have accountability and told me she loved me and called me a dear friend.
I kind of just felt physically ill reading it, that she could treat me like such scum because she was jealous and that was ok? I sat there for a few minutes and thought, what will she do next time I unwittingly make her jealous or don't react the way she thinks I should? It filled me with fer and I got anxious thinking about always having to worry about when the next freakout would be. Then I realized I may love her, and her friendship, but I do love me more. That was a very shocking revelation, as someone who has spent most of her life hating herself, I felt the urgent need to protect myself. So I went to her facebook account and I was the one blocking this time. I was blocking someone I care dearly about because I realized for the first time I care about me to much to put myself into that again. I was setting myself free from a friendship that would honestly become chains of fear to upset her again, and to always have to question if she is being truthful, and really I was releasing her as well. Now I don't know what the future holds, but as of right now I feel peace because I am taking care of me so I can reach out to those who actually want my friendship no strings attached, and who treat me with love and respect.
This is a true step for me, I have never loved myself enough to take a step that while hard is protecting me in the long run. I really think a big part of that is fat acceptance and learning to love me and not thinking I deserved the hurt and drama just because I was fat. Fat acceptance has taught me to take care of myself, that I don't have to take abuse of any kind as my penance for not fitting into a size 2 and that my mental health is a part of overall health and taking the steps needed to keep myself healthy. I am also learning that I don't have to put up with awful treatment because no one else will want to be my friend, in fact I am finding that quite a few people think I am amazing and actually want to be around me. So it might have been the end of a friendship, but it is part of the beginning of me really evaluating and choosing my friendships wisely, and truly taking care of myself so that I do have the energy for those people who have shown they are real friends. It is ok to remove people from your life, it is sometimes the most loving thing you can do for you but also for the other person.
So that closes that chapter in my life, I know I have talked about this a lot on my blog but it gave me a good outlet to talk things through.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Tonight I just feel sad
So remember that argument I had with one of my closest friends? Well I guess it ended today, she removed and blocked me from Facebook. I am not really surprised that it happened in fact I told my mom the day she flipped out at me that she probably would because I have seen her do that to other friends. It hurt though, A LOT, because I always thought, and she always told me that our friendship was too strong. I confided things in her I couldn't in other people I trusted her and it is hard for me to trust people.
I feel like I have been thrown away, and for what? I told her the truth, I was always honest with her and got her through sooooo much in her life, and for that I get thrown away like some kind of moldy food. She didn't even bother to talk to me like an adult, or work through things, nope just toss me aside. Now I know that honestly I haven't even been sure we could work things out or that I could trust her again, but there was a part of me that still hoped we could. Part of me kept thinking maybe if I just apologize or try to explain even more why the idea of her getting back with her ex who had just gotten out of a drug treatment program, who had hurt her so badly before was not something I could encourage. I realized though that I had done nothing wrong, I didn't say anything rude or offensive just encourage her as nicely as I could to be careful. I really did nothing I could apologize for and apologizing for NOT lying to her didn't seem right. I guess there was a part of me that thought she would realize everything I said was simply because I really do care about her and have been through more than she has and just want to help her as a friend should. With this happening though, it makes me want to not trust people again, I have had so many people who have told me over and over how much they love me, hurt me deeply which is why I don't trust easily. Stuff like this happens and I really do contemplate just pushing people away again and being ok without them but I know that isn't healthy.
When I realized that she had unfriended and blocked me I did send her a text and maybe it wasn't the best thing to send/say but it was how I was feeling
"wow... just WOW .. you unfriended me AND blocked me from facebook why? Because I wouldn't lie to you and tell you what you wanted to hear, because I care so much for your heart that I urged caution. THAT is why you throw friends away? You know I saw you do that with other people like S and C and I always thought she would never do that to me we are heart friends, we are friends on a soul level. Now I find that all that stuff you said about our friendship actually meant nothing cause I was 100% honest with you (remember that was a promise we made to each other sitting in your living room right before we prayed) and you would just remove me and throw me away like that... serious OUCH here... and all I can think to say is wow...well I respect you, and I respect your decision so I won't bother you again ever, have great life ok and I hope you find tons of friends who make you feel happy happy joy all the time. Take care of yourself."
She made her choice and you know what that really is ok. I know I will look back on this and be glad it happened because I have learned lessons and sometimes it is good that certain people leave your life. I know that everything happened for a reason and I hold fast to that promise but for tonight... I think I just need to feel sad that someone I considered my closest friend could just toss me away.
I feel like I have been thrown away, and for what? I told her the truth, I was always honest with her and got her through sooooo much in her life, and for that I get thrown away like some kind of moldy food. She didn't even bother to talk to me like an adult, or work through things, nope just toss me aside. Now I know that honestly I haven't even been sure we could work things out or that I could trust her again, but there was a part of me that still hoped we could. Part of me kept thinking maybe if I just apologize or try to explain even more why the idea of her getting back with her ex who had just gotten out of a drug treatment program, who had hurt her so badly before was not something I could encourage. I realized though that I had done nothing wrong, I didn't say anything rude or offensive just encourage her as nicely as I could to be careful. I really did nothing I could apologize for and apologizing for NOT lying to her didn't seem right. I guess there was a part of me that thought she would realize everything I said was simply because I really do care about her and have been through more than she has and just want to help her as a friend should. With this happening though, it makes me want to not trust people again, I have had so many people who have told me over and over how much they love me, hurt me deeply which is why I don't trust easily. Stuff like this happens and I really do contemplate just pushing people away again and being ok without them but I know that isn't healthy.
When I realized that she had unfriended and blocked me I did send her a text and maybe it wasn't the best thing to send/say but it was how I was feeling
"wow... just WOW .. you unfriended me AND blocked me from facebook why? Because I wouldn't lie to you and tell you what you wanted to hear, because I care so much for your heart that I urged caution. THAT is why you throw friends away? You know I saw you do that with other people like S and C and I always thought she would never do that to me we are heart friends, we are friends on a soul level. Now I find that all that stuff you said about our friendship actually meant nothing cause I was 100% honest with you (remember that was a promise we made to each other sitting in your living room right before we prayed) and you would just remove me and throw me away like that... serious OUCH here... and all I can think to say is wow...well I respect you, and I respect your decision so I won't bother you again ever, have great life ok and I hope you find tons of friends who make you feel happy happy joy all the time. Take care of yourself."
She made her choice and you know what that really is ok. I know I will look back on this and be glad it happened because I have learned lessons and sometimes it is good that certain people leave your life. I know that everything happened for a reason and I hold fast to that promise but for tonight... I think I just need to feel sad that someone I considered my closest friend could just toss me away.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Sleep, it doesn't make me lazy, it helps me live.
~*~ Trigger warning for talk of depression ~*~
I deal with a chemical imbalance called depression, it is just a part of my life and like any other part of me I have adapted to it and am learning to cope when it makes life impossible. Four or five years ago depression had me so tightly in my grasp that I truly couldn't function; I don't know how to describe it except to say that I was in a truly dark place. I honestly could not see even a glimmer of hope and the only thing I was able to focus on was how perfect and logical killing myself would be. I would run through it in my mind, planning it and was totally convinced that that would be the nicest thing I could do for my family. I remember one January I saw our family picture hanging on our fridge and I took it and scanned it into my computer and ever so carefully removed me from the picture, and it just seemed so right to me. That was the depression talking; my depression fills me with a ton of lies repeating them over and over until you just start believing them.
When I finally got help and was put on an anti-depressant and slowly but surely things started to get better I was able to see through the darkness and could cope better with life. I am a great believer in using medication as a tool to deal with depression, and I am grateful for that pill. Thing is, as a full time student I have no health insurance, and the pills that worked for me were insanely expensive. A months’ worth cost nearly as much as a rent payment and that was way out of my reach. It got way to hard each month to try to come up with the money for the sanity pills and one month it just wasn't possible and so I had to go off of them.
I also deal with incredible insomnia; I have since I was young, but it got worse after a traumatic event I experienced caused awful nightmares every time I would fall asleep. I will lie down in bed and my brain will start running and it can take me hours to get to sleep. If I do actually manage to fall asleep I will be awake in 2-4 hours and there is no chance of me sleeping again. This of course compounds the depression I deal with as I will be way too tired to handle a thing. A few years ago I got very sick due to an abscessed tooth that had become so because I just didn't have the money to go get it fixed. Things got so bad that it was making me physically ill, to the point I couldn't even get out of bed. I had an emergency visit to the dentist who prescribed me a huge dose of antibiotics right away and told me if I had waited my longer there could have been very serious consequences as the infection was beginning to move through my body. Because of the infection my tooth couldn't come out immediately and so I had to deal with the pain a bit longer.
That was the first time I took Tylenol pm to get to sleep, and it worked wonderfully I dropped off to sleep quite quickly, no lying in bed for hours driving myself crazy… just wonderful sleep. So even after the tooth was fixed I continued to use Tylenol pm but I would wake up after an hour or two and not be able to get back to bed. Anyway I managed to figure out a dose that would put me to sleep and keep me asleep for a decent amount of time. I cannot tell you how much of a difference that has made.
I have realized that sleep is vital to me and I need more of it than the 8 hours it is recommended we get. In fact I find that I need 10 hours of sleep a night to keep me stable and since I have been working on getting the right amount of sleep for my body my depression has diminished immensely and I can live my life instead of just existing. I still find it hard to get to sleep before 3 am, I think that is just how my internal clock is set and so I don't try to fight it. 3 am is also when my homework assignments are due and since I work much better in the evening/night I will work til that time and then take an hour or two to wind down before bed.
That is what gets me in trouble however, because I go to sleep so late at night (or early in the morning) it means I am sleeping through the morning and usually wake up after noon. I am often told by people that that isn't healthy or right and they equate it with laziness and so working to give my body as much sleep as it needs is often filled with shame. I manage to get almost straight A’s in school and handle a graphic design job as I work towards my bachelor’s degree but yet the fact that I sleep most of the morning and am up late at night makes me the wrong one. I am the failure at life. Yet it is that sleep, and listening to my body’s internal clock that has allowed me to manage my depression, I am able to cope with life AND take on a whole lot more than I ever was able to before and I am successful at it but because of that I am termed lazy yet that is what has let me live my life and it is why I am getting stronger. I wish people could understand that.
I deal with a chemical imbalance called depression, it is just a part of my life and like any other part of me I have adapted to it and am learning to cope when it makes life impossible. Four or five years ago depression had me so tightly in my grasp that I truly couldn't function; I don't know how to describe it except to say that I was in a truly dark place. I honestly could not see even a glimmer of hope and the only thing I was able to focus on was how perfect and logical killing myself would be. I would run through it in my mind, planning it and was totally convinced that that would be the nicest thing I could do for my family. I remember one January I saw our family picture hanging on our fridge and I took it and scanned it into my computer and ever so carefully removed me from the picture, and it just seemed so right to me. That was the depression talking; my depression fills me with a ton of lies repeating them over and over until you just start believing them.
When I finally got help and was put on an anti-depressant and slowly but surely things started to get better I was able to see through the darkness and could cope better with life. I am a great believer in using medication as a tool to deal with depression, and I am grateful for that pill. Thing is, as a full time student I have no health insurance, and the pills that worked for me were insanely expensive. A months’ worth cost nearly as much as a rent payment and that was way out of my reach. It got way to hard each month to try to come up with the money for the sanity pills and one month it just wasn't possible and so I had to go off of them.
I also deal with incredible insomnia; I have since I was young, but it got worse after a traumatic event I experienced caused awful nightmares every time I would fall asleep. I will lie down in bed and my brain will start running and it can take me hours to get to sleep. If I do actually manage to fall asleep I will be awake in 2-4 hours and there is no chance of me sleeping again. This of course compounds the depression I deal with as I will be way too tired to handle a thing. A few years ago I got very sick due to an abscessed tooth that had become so because I just didn't have the money to go get it fixed. Things got so bad that it was making me physically ill, to the point I couldn't even get out of bed. I had an emergency visit to the dentist who prescribed me a huge dose of antibiotics right away and told me if I had waited my longer there could have been very serious consequences as the infection was beginning to move through my body. Because of the infection my tooth couldn't come out immediately and so I had to deal with the pain a bit longer.
That was the first time I took Tylenol pm to get to sleep, and it worked wonderfully I dropped off to sleep quite quickly, no lying in bed for hours driving myself crazy… just wonderful sleep. So even after the tooth was fixed I continued to use Tylenol pm but I would wake up after an hour or two and not be able to get back to bed. Anyway I managed to figure out a dose that would put me to sleep and keep me asleep for a decent amount of time. I cannot tell you how much of a difference that has made.
I have realized that sleep is vital to me and I need more of it than the 8 hours it is recommended we get. In fact I find that I need 10 hours of sleep a night to keep me stable and since I have been working on getting the right amount of sleep for my body my depression has diminished immensely and I can live my life instead of just existing. I still find it hard to get to sleep before 3 am, I think that is just how my internal clock is set and so I don't try to fight it. 3 am is also when my homework assignments are due and since I work much better in the evening/night I will work til that time and then take an hour or two to wind down before bed.
That is what gets me in trouble however, because I go to sleep so late at night (or early in the morning) it means I am sleeping through the morning and usually wake up after noon. I am often told by people that that isn't healthy or right and they equate it with laziness and so working to give my body as much sleep as it needs is often filled with shame. I manage to get almost straight A’s in school and handle a graphic design job as I work towards my bachelor’s degree but yet the fact that I sleep most of the morning and am up late at night makes me the wrong one. I am the failure at life. Yet it is that sleep, and listening to my body’s internal clock that has allowed me to manage my depression, I am able to cope with life AND take on a whole lot more than I ever was able to before and I am successful at it but because of that I am termed lazy yet that is what has let me live my life and it is why I am getting stronger. I wish people could understand that.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Beginning of winter, and a silver lining
Today I woke up to a good 10+ inches of dense heavy snow all over the place. It truly was a winter wonderland and it looked so pretty. The snow was so heavy however that tons of branches and trees were brokenall over our area and we lost two big branches out of our beautiful maple tree. That was sad it is such a beautiful tree, but it will live and probably be just as beautiful next year, if not more so. Nature is good like that, and we are part of nature aren't we?
Anyway it has been a day of enjoying the snow from inside of nice warm house hee hee. I did go out for a bit, I had to run to the store to get more tylenol pm and driving home it felt like I had been transported to a magical place. The clouds were dense and scattered all about, and they were so low they were surrounding the houses and my car as I drove along. It wasn't fog it was definite clouds and oh man did it make the drive home wonderful.
So now I am home and I have my window open a bit because I am getting ready to go to bed, my tylenol pm's are beginning to kick in, and I find I sleep better in the cold. The chair that I am chilling in and doing some surfing and writing this here post is right in front of that window and so I have a little fleece jacket over my sweater and every so often shivers run through my body from the breeze that is coming in. My hands are a little numb and yet I like it because I am anticipating crawling under my super snuggly blankets in bed and it will feel so cozy!
Last night my friend who flipped out at me on Sunday night sent me a text to let me know she is writing a long email to me to explain herself, and I told her she had made herself quite clear because she had. So she asked "so you are ok with everything?" at first I just wanted to write back "yup" just cause my nature is to just try to smooth things over and not stand up for myself or say how I feel. I didn't though, I explained to her again that she hurt me, and also explained that by her telling me, that she basically just tells me what she thinks I want to hear it has me second guessing everything she says. but that she did make herself quite clear. I also explained that being a fake person was very harmful to me in the past and I didn't know if I could become that again in order to keep a friendship. She hasn't responded. I feel quite proud of me for speaking and showing my true feelings and thoughts instead of just acting like things were fine like I used to do.
I have to say one very positive thing that happened through all this is that it has made me realized how cool and awesome some of my friends are. I had shared this story with one of my dearest friends, he is so cool about listening and giving real thoughtful advice in a situation, even if a few times he has had to give me a verbal smack upside the head when I was doing something stupid. Anyway numerous times during the conversation he would say things like ...you had better not be fake with me, I want you to tell me the truth no matter what, and if you see anything that worries you about my relationship (with his new adorable girlfriend) I want you to tell me. I of course promised that I would, and I know that he will do the same for me. Now that is a great feeling, to know I don't have to worry about expressing myself and knowing I can trust him to be honest as well. This whole thing made me realize what a treasure real friends are, and I feel so grateful to have those strong honest friendships in my life. It also strengthened my resolve to quit wearing masks in order to be what others want me to be, and be my real genuine self. I think it is pretty fantastic how even negative events in your life can be good because they teach you lessons you would never have experienced otherwise.
Now I am off to crawl under the covers and have sweet dreams!
Anyway it has been a day of enjoying the snow from inside of nice warm house hee hee. I did go out for a bit, I had to run to the store to get more tylenol pm and driving home it felt like I had been transported to a magical place. The clouds were dense and scattered all about, and they were so low they were surrounding the houses and my car as I drove along. It wasn't fog it was definite clouds and oh man did it make the drive home wonderful.
So now I am home and I have my window open a bit because I am getting ready to go to bed, my tylenol pm's are beginning to kick in, and I find I sleep better in the cold. The chair that I am chilling in and doing some surfing and writing this here post is right in front of that window and so I have a little fleece jacket over my sweater and every so often shivers run through my body from the breeze that is coming in. My hands are a little numb and yet I like it because I am anticipating crawling under my super snuggly blankets in bed and it will feel so cozy!
Last night my friend who flipped out at me on Sunday night sent me a text to let me know she is writing a long email to me to explain herself, and I told her she had made herself quite clear because she had. So she asked "so you are ok with everything?" at first I just wanted to write back "yup" just cause my nature is to just try to smooth things over and not stand up for myself or say how I feel. I didn't though, I explained to her again that she hurt me, and also explained that by her telling me, that she basically just tells me what she thinks I want to hear it has me second guessing everything she says. but that she did make herself quite clear. I also explained that being a fake person was very harmful to me in the past and I didn't know if I could become that again in order to keep a friendship. She hasn't responded. I feel quite proud of me for speaking and showing my true feelings and thoughts instead of just acting like things were fine like I used to do.
I have to say one very positive thing that happened through all this is that it has made me realized how cool and awesome some of my friends are. I had shared this story with one of my dearest friends, he is so cool about listening and giving real thoughtful advice in a situation, even if a few times he has had to give me a verbal smack upside the head when I was doing something stupid. Anyway numerous times during the conversation he would say things like ...you had better not be fake with me, I want you to tell me the truth no matter what, and if you see anything that worries you about my relationship (with his new adorable girlfriend) I want you to tell me. I of course promised that I would, and I know that he will do the same for me. Now that is a great feeling, to know I don't have to worry about expressing myself and knowing I can trust him to be honest as well. This whole thing made me realize what a treasure real friends are, and I feel so grateful to have those strong honest friendships in my life. It also strengthened my resolve to quit wearing masks in order to be what others want me to be, and be my real genuine self. I think it is pretty fantastic how even negative events in your life can be good because they teach you lessons you would never have experienced otherwise.
Now I am off to crawl under the covers and have sweet dreams!
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